August 19
I thought I was doing pretty good. I’m getting used to not having Norm around, not liking it, but getting used to it.
But the last few weeks, I’ve felt weird. That’s the only word to describe it. I’ve struggled with a lack of focus. I forgot to attend two classes this week. I missed having fun with my sister because I left too late, and she was time constrained. I’ve wasted hours on mindless games and media scrolling.
As I’ve struggled to figure out why I felt weird, I thought it might have to do with a busy month ahead or starting up a Bible study again, or possibly depression.
Yesterday, I went to the doctor for a checkup. As I prepared, I thought about all those questions they ask now that I’m older…and answering honestly would lead to a question of depression. All of a sudden, I received insight…
Two years ago at this time, I had a doctor’s appointment. I told her that my numbers would be off because I felt stressed, Norm was experiencing a lack of sleep and his body itched all over. She asked what tests had been ordered, none, his doctor wouldn’t see him while he was running a fever. I asked if she was taking new patients. She agreed to see him, and her intervention gave me a few extra months with Norm.
My subconscious and my emotions were responding to an anniversary of everything hitting the fan and changing the direction of my life forever. The uncertainty, the lack of focus, all subconscious responses before my brain caught up and understood. It reminds me of how the week before my period, I was short-tempered and emotional. I’d snap at Norm or one of the kids, and then all of a sudden, I’d realize what it was and calm down.
I’m hoping this is the same, now that I know the cause of the weird feeling, I can relax a bit. I’m under no illusions, the next 7 months will be difficult, perhaps more difficult than last year. The shock of Norm’s loss and the accompanying adrenaline is gone. Now, I’m aware. I can walk this path one day at a time, because God is with me and He will not leave me.
Where’s the joy?
I am thankful that I don’t walk this path alone. I have friends who have walked this road before me. I have others who have not had the experience, but still encourage and walk with me.
I pray for wisdom, I need it for direction, for decisions, for interactions with others.
I rejoice that God is always faithful and knows what is coming.
Where’s the joy? Right now I’m content, and I’m good with that.
Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you.” As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight. The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips. The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16