Posts Tagged With: cancer

Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on December 11, 2025 by tricialathrop

December 11

I dreamt about Norm last night. Some people have dreams of their departed loved ones where they have a wonderful heart to heart or assurances…good things. But in my dreams he’s either sick, angry or very disappointed in me…last night he was disappointed in some decisions I made.

The dream may have come as a result of a conversation I had. Yesterday a friend, who is also a widow, and I discussed the deaths of our husbands. There are times I ponder if I could have done something different to change the outcome…not uncommon with the death of a loved one.

Both of our husbands had a similar statement as they suffered through the treatment and the pain of cancer. Each commented, “Through this experience, I know now that I am loved. I know God loves me. I know my wife loves me. I know my children love me.” Not the exact words, but you get the gist.

My thoughts upon hearing him say that, “Did he not know how much I loved him?”

Was the dream a result of my own insecurities? Was it representative of his personality change due to the cancer? Was it a result of guilt that I could have done something differently?

I don’t know the why of the dream. Our minds process life in a variety of ways, and I believe it can be through dreams. This dream was more disturbing than helpful. I’ve cried a lot today.

When days like this happen, it causes me to go back to trust. Do I believe that God is in ultimate control? Do I believe that God has a time for each of us and when we our work is done here, He takes us home to be with Him? Do I believe it was Norm’s time to go and I could not change the outcome no matter what I did? Do I believe God has something good planned for the rest of my life?

“For I know the plans that I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

When people use this verse to speak about the blessings of God, I usually remind them that God said this just before the people of Israel went into exile in Babylon for 70 years. God doesn’t give us freedom from pain and trouble, He provides hope in the middle of the pain and trouble. Pain and sorrow come to all of us, God remains faithful through it all.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for God’s comfort in the midst of my sorrow.

I pray for wisdom as I speak with others about the hope that is found in Christ.

I rejoice in the coming of Jesus Christ, who opens the door for all of us to have a loving relationship with the God of the universe.

Where’s the joy? It’s found in the hope that God provides every day.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on December 3, 2025 by tricialathrop

December 2

Last year at this time, I began this post to deal with Norm’s cancer, hoping to focus on the positive and the joy of the season during a time of trial. It has been and continues to be therapeutic for me. I can share things here that I don’t share in person.

Today, I pondered why I am more open on this site than in person. I discovered it is because I can cry freely while I write. Then I wondered why I don’t cry with people…oh tears come and they fall, but I don’t allow myself to sob and weep.

I realized that I don’t cry because as a child, I cried a lot. Siblings and acquaintances called me “Cry Baby”. I learned to control the tears. They might well up in my eyes, but I would not let them fall. Norm’s death opened those gates, I still don’t allow the sobbing, but the tears will sometimes fall unbidden in the presence of others.

What am I going to do with this insight into my responses? Don’t know.

Tomorrow is my birthday, my first without Norm. He was always really good about doing something special with me. Whether a show or visiting a special site, he was good at coming up with something I’d enjoy. But, he’s not here.

I will be busy tomorrow, a brunch with my Bible study ladies, taking a friend to her doctor, and to end the day, a steak dinner with my sister and nieces and nephews which will be fun. When I’m not out doing, I’ll be putting out my Christmas decorations.

My birthday is usually the day I begin to think about goals for the next year and finding a Bible verse to focus on. One year the verse was to give thanks in everything…I felt like I fell short. Then the next year, it was “Rejoice always”… it was a tough year. My son Robert had a heart ablation, and later was diagnosed with Addison’s disease, Norm and I had some issues which needed work, and my best friend and I had a falling out…rejoicing didn’t happen much that year, but focusing on the call to rejoice allowed me to focus on giving thanks.

2025 began with a struggle to get Norm through chemo therapy and then healing, and after his death it became a matter of just living day to day without him in my life. I’ve seen the faithfulness of God throughout Norm’s cancer fight and my widowhood. Not anything we would have chosen, but God never promised a freedom from suffering, He promises to walk through it with us, bringing the encouragement we need to live each day. And with His presence, in the midst of all of this, God has given me moments of joy that cannot be explained.

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains
From where shall my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.

Psalm 121:1–8

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the reminder each Christmas of the coming of Jesus Christ, who came because God loved us and wants us to live in harmony with Him and with one another.

I pray for wisdom and courage to speak and act in order to bless the people around me.

I rejoice in the God of my salvation who always gives me hope.

Where’s the joy? It is found only in God who is my helper, my protector, and the keeper of my soul.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on November 7, 2025 by tricialathrop

November 7

Things seem to go really well, then all of a sudden, a word, song or picture will cause me to tear up and sometimes full fledged sobbing. I used to look at the crying emoji which shows waterfalls falling out of the eyes and think, who cries like that? I do.

The last two weeks have been more difficult because this is when we dealt with the diagnosis and his first treatment. Scary times, but continued hope for a total restoration to health.

Now, I’m facing the holiday season without him. I really did not expect last year to be our last Thanksgiving together, our last Christmas together…but then how does one prepare for that?

I’ve made plans. My daughter will come in for Thanksgiving and we’ll go to my niece’s new home. My brother and his wife will be there, as well as my sister and her beau, along with nieces and nephews. I’ll be surrounded by family for the day.

My daughter will help me decorate for Christmas, and we’ll do some Black Friday shopping. We do a lot of people watching and go out to eat. Christmas will be spent with my children and grandchildren.

Plans are great, but can’t prevent the memories washing in like a flood. This is the price of love, I cherish the memories even though tears accompany the memories. Norm and I had a lot of fun together. I married him because he made me laugh every day.

I am thankful for the almost 45 years that I had with Norm. He was a good man with a good heart.

I pray for those of us who will be facing the holidays without a loved one. Though the days can be tough, God is able to comfort us in our grief.

I rejoice that the season ahead gives us time to consider the hope that came with the birth of Jesus Christ, the promised Messiah who loved us enough to die on the cross so that we could walk in relationship with God.

Where’s the joy? It is in the memories, both good and bad. God blessed me with my marriage to Norm.

It is good to give thanks to the Lord and to sing praises to Your name, O Most High.

To declare Your loving kindness int he morning and Your faithfulness by night, with the ten-stringed lute and with the harp, with resounding music upon the lyre.

For You, O Lord, have made me glad by what You have done, I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands.

How great are Your works, O Lord! Your thoughts are very deep.

Psalm 92:1-5

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on October 4, 2025 by tricialathrop

October 4

This has been a tough week. As I pondered the cause, I realized that this was the time when it all came to a head. Norm had lesions and they said a liver biopsy was necessary.

I quit all my involvement in Bible study, choir, writing group…everything came to a halt as I did what I could to care for and encourage Norm. Everyday he seemed weaker, I felt like I was watching him die in slow motion. But it would be another month before we had an actual diagnosis.

I began to reach out to friends and family, letting them know what was happening and the prayers began to be lifted for Norm…all over the world. He was overwhelmed by the support he received, humbled by the care, even of people he did not know.

Should you find yourself or a loved one facing an unknown diagnosis that could be serious, I have a few suggestions.

  1. When you go to the doctor or specialist, have three sets of ears listening, even if one is on speaker phone. My sister suggested that and it was a great help. We would discuss what we heard and with three of us, we remembered more. My kids took great notes and made sure to share them with the ones who did not attend. if one of the three can be a medical person, even better.
  2. Ask questions. Clarify what you heard, repeat it back. If you don’t know what to ask, then say, “I don’t even know what to ask.” A good doctor will answer the common questions.
  3. If something is not happening as you had understood it, speak up. When we went in for the liver biopsy, the nurse told us they were doing a non-focal liver biopsy. We asked for clarification, they were taking a general sample from the liver, not the lesions. Fortunately, my sister knew the ropes and made the calls that got the biopsy stopped until the orders could be clarified. Too many people don’t speak up thinking they must have heard wrong, after all the doctor should know, right? Mistakes are made, if it doesn’t sound or look right, speak up.
  4. When the cancer diagnosis came, we were given a patient advocate. If that is provided for you, they are a great source of information, they know the ropes for scheduling tests and appointments. Use them.

I’m returning to those things in which I was involved. It’s tough, but I am trying to move forward and people are very supportive.

I am thankful for the family and friends who supported me and Norm during this time of trial and stress. We would not have made it without them.

I pray for wisdom and courage for the days ahead, I sometimes feel as if I’m still on the roller coaster, but God remains faithful.

I rejoice that God is my rock and my salvation. He will be with me in the good and in the bad.

Where’s the joy? It’s in the hope provided by Jesus Christ.

O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary, to see Your power and Your glory. Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise You.

So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name. My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth offers praises with joyful lips.

When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches, for You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy.

Psalm 63:1-7

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on July 6, 2025 by tricialathrop

July 6

This has been an unexpectedly tough week. It started with a cancer scare of my own. I had to go back for a rescan…I’m fine…but for a few days I lived with the uncertainty of my future. My main concern, how to tell my kids if it required chemo…another concern, how to face it without Norm…but all that is moot, no big deal and no treatment needed.

Four months ago I said goodbye to Norm…it seems so much longer and yet each day I awake, having to remind myself that he is not here. The little things, the everyday remind me of what I have lost. Some days are harder than others.

I was trying to figure out why this week has been particularly tough. I think it’s that July of 2024 was the last month that Norm was somewhat his normal self. He got aggravated easier, but still had the energy to hike and take pictures and to spend time with the grands. We didn’t know anything was wrong.

We did the usual fun things for July. The fireworks with the Knoxville Symphony on the 4th, then his birthday vacation to Colorado. Always, we made plans for the future, where we would go.

We took care of Sierra and Sawyer for a week, they love their Poppop. He didn’t have as much energy as usual with them, but I didn’t think it was anything serious.

Perhaps that’s my issue…I didn’t see how seriously ill he was until it was too late. Logically I know that there was no way for me to know, but emotions aren’t logical.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the good memories I have and that Norm had a really good week with Sierra and Sawyer before the illness overcame his energy.

I pray for those walking in illness and the caregivers, for strength and wisdom and times of joy in the midst of the pain.

I rejoice that God is faithful even more than we can comprehend.

Where’s the joy? It comes as I rest in the hope that God provides and turn to Him for comfort in the midst of the sorrow.

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.

Psalm 139:1–18

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on July 3, 2025 by tricialathrop

July 3

Norm’s birthday is coming up. So I’ve been thinking a lot about his last birthday. He seemed healthy, and we had a great time.

We traveled to Lake City in Colorado, a place to stay if you want to do the Alpine Loop. He rented an off-highway vehicle (OHV) and we drove on the narrow, dirt roads with multiple tight hairpin turns. He offered to let me drive, but I said no…I didn’t want to be the one to miscalculate the edge of the road and end up tumbling down the mountain. Granted, we did have roll bars, but who wants to have to use them?

July is a good time to visit. The mountain flowers can be seen in their full glory…of course it’s a brief glory, and we hit it at prime color last year.

We drove to Silverton one day, we liked to have lunch and shop there. As we left lunch, hail began to fall. We figured it would be short lived, no bad weather was expected. We watched the hail build up, looked like snow…enough to build a snowman. We still had to go back over the mountains, on those narrow roads…now covered with snow and hail. Norm took it slow and we got some beautiful pictures.

We visited an old gold mine, some ghost towns, and took a gondola ride up the side of a mountain along the Million Dollar Highway…steep, but not narrow and paved all the way. I drove that one.

We didn’t know that would be the last time. He was looking forward to talking the kids into joining us one summer.

Within a month, his health took a downturn. We didn’t suspect cancer at all…lyme disease, possibly…but not cancer. By the end of August he hardly had the strength to leave the house and it took 3 months to discover the cancer.

This is ending up being as tough as our anniversary. The memory of his strength and stamina, his joy of driving in the mountains, his joy in photography of nature…very real as I remember our trip last year.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that I chose to go with him last year…one never knows when it will be the last.

I pray for those who are facing an unknown or cancer diagnosis, that they will be given the strength to endure, and some times of joy in the midst of it.

I rejoice that God gives us joyful memories, and sometimes allows the rough times to fade so that the best remains.

Where’s the joy? I have been able to enjoy some very special memories. Though they are tinged with grief, they are great memories.

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.
The Lord performs righteous deeds
And judgments for all who are oppressed.
He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the sons of Israel.
The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.
As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,
And its place acknowledges it no longer.
But the lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
To those who keep His covenant
And remember His precepts to do them.
The Lord has established His throne in the heavens,
And His sovereignty rules over all.
Bless the Lord, you His angels,
Mighty in strength, who perform His word,
Obeying the voice of His word!
Bless the Lord, all you His hosts,
You who serve Him, doing His will.
Bless the Lord, all you works of His,
In all places of His dominion;
Bless the Lord, O my soul!

Psalm 103

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on June 20, 2025 by tricialathrop

June 20

Tough week! Started with spreading Norm’s ashes at an overlook on the Blue Ridge Parkway. Followed by daily turning to speak to Norm and realizing he’s not here.

Then yesterday I went to get my mammogram and bone density tests. Those took place in the place where Norm had his final pet scan that showed that the cancer was mostly gone and the treatment was working. Then the receptionist asked if I was married…not anymore, widow. She came from behind the desk to give me a hug…I couldn’t hold the tears back.

Tomorrow would have been our 45th anniversary. Pre cancer we had plans to return to Hawaii. My girls and grands are coming to spend some time with me tomorrow, so I don’t have to face it alone.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the memories that I have with Norm, and that I miss him. How sad to not miss the one you love.

I pray for courage for the next few days, and for wisdom to walk this path I did not choose.

I rejoice that God provides all I need, sometimes before I realize what I need.

Where’s the joy? It’s in the memories, lots of good memories.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on May 14, 2025 by tricialathrop

May 14

Yesterday was full of regrets. I could have gone on more of Norm’s photography trips. I could have made the effort to tell him how much he meant to me. I could have been kinder and paid more attention when he first talked of his symptoms…in my defense, he was a bit of a hypochondriac.

I’ve heard that this is part of grieving, looking at what I could have/should have done. There’s no way to go back and change the past, but perhaps it will help me as I deal with family and friends moving forward…to let them know I care, to give the thanks and the approval as it happens.

People have told me their loved ones have come to them in dreams…usually a good thing. Norm appeared in my dream last night, alive. Usually if it’s a dream about him, it’s me dealing with his death. Last night, he was alive. Instead of an encouraging word of love and care, he gave me a list of how I had failed him. I know that was just a reflection of my thoughts yesterday being reviewed in my dream, but still, it was kind of a bummer.

As I thought about my dream, I started laughing. Norm was good at making me laugh. That was so not Norm…at least not who he was before the cancer changed his personality to a bitter, angry old man. The treatments gave me back my husband for a few months with jokes and laughter, celebrating the small successes as he battled cancer. We made plans for trips to France, Egypt, a cruise or two, going back to the Alpine Highway in Colorado…hopeful days in the midst of the turmoil of cancer.

Are there regrets? We all have them. Moving forward? Forgiveness and do better with those still on this earth.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the extra months I had with Norm where he was his funny, sarcastic self.

I pray for words of encouragement and affirming to give to those around me, and asking forgiveness when appropriate.

I rejoice that God’s forgiveness is always available to us when we ask. He knows our weaknesses more than we know our own.

Where’s the joy? I married Norm because he made me laugh…Memories of Norm will still make me laugh.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32.

I know all to well, you never know when it will be your last opportunity to be kind…

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on May 10, 2025 by tricialathrop

May 10

I went to the dentist this week. The hygienist asked “How is your husband?” I had mentioned his battle with cancer on my last visit. I just cried and she quietly waited for me to finish.

Sometimes I face this new normal with grace and strength, and sometimes I just cry. It’s not easy to wake up each day knowing that Norm will not be here. Right now I’m trying to deal with those things that I put off due to his illness and death. Step by step.

Our roof is leaking so I called to get some estimates…and then I contacted our HOA because roofs are their responsibility unless it’s a weather issue. Their guy came out and said they could repair, but it would cause more problems. So it is being replaced this week, and I don’t have to pay for it.

I know that I’ve paid the dues for years, and this is what the HOA does by their contract. But I see this as a God-wink. He’s letting me know that He’s watching out for me. We’ll get through all the challenges yet to come, together.

Another friend died due to cancer. Linda had been a big support for Norm. She had gone through the treatments and the visits to ICU with her first bout. She encouraged Norm regularly, from a voice of experience. He accepted the encouragement from her because she knew what it was really like. After Norm’s death, evidence appeared that her cancer had returned. She and Norm are both walking in the Garden of the Lord.

As I walk this earth without Norm, I have support from family, friends and my church family. I’m not sure what God has for me in the future…none of us know. I know that He is faithful, and that He will intervene on my behalf, either directly or through those around me. I can continue to trust in Him.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the people around me who continually lift me up with encouragement and prayer.

I pray for wisdom and strength to walk the path before me in a way that brings honor to the Lord.

I rejoice that God continues to be faithful.

Where’s the joy? My family and friends who continue to remember Norm.

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven-

A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.

A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance.

A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.

A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on April 4, 2025 by tricialathrop

April 3

We are coming up on a month since Norm passed. The celebration of life is completed. Aimee left two precious joys with me for a few days. They are keeping me busy.

Last night, Sawyer awoke, crying for his mommy. At first I tried to soothe him, but then I just joined him in the tears. How will I do this?

I have a number of widow friends, encouraging me…by just telling me they are praying. They’ve walked this path, some of them a couple of times. The only path is through the grief, embracing the love that grief reveals, and loving those who are still walking this earthly road.

At one point during Norm’s cancer and treatment, he said, “Everything has been taken away from me…except love. I still have God’s love, the love of my wife and children, the love of family and friends. The love they have for me does not depend on what I can do for them. Right now, I can do nothing except be a burden and they still love me.”

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.
By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him.

In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us.
By this we know that we abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit.

We have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son to be the Savior of the world.
Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God.

We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.
By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.
We love, because He first loved us.

If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.
And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also.

1 John 4:7–21

Where is the joy?

I am thankful for my family and friends who continue to encourage me in this walk.

I pray for the strength and wisdom to show love to others, not only by my words but by my actions.

I rejoice that God loved us and sent Jesus Christ to enable us to enter into God’s presence without fear.

Where is the joy? It is in the love of family and friends who are there in the good times and the bad.

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