Posts Tagged With: cancer

Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk. Memories

May 1

Tears came easily this week. And I’m okay with that.

I’m going on a solo vacation, taking a transatlantic cruise. Seven days with no ports will give me time to pray and ponder my future without any obligations, that’s not totally true, I’ll be working on a class that I’ll be teaching over the summer on the tabernacle. But I plan to take some time to consider what God has for me now.

In June, I’m planning to go to Colorado and go visit the Great American Basin, drive the Million Dollar Highway, and visit Norm’s aunt and cousin.

Norm loved to go to the San Juan Mountains, rent an OHV (off highway vehicle) and travel on the unpaved and windy roads through the mountains. He’d always offer to let me drive, just because one day we got caught in a rain storm that made the unpaved roads very muddy…and I loved it. But that was a different kind of road, there was little chance of me going over the side of the road and falling hundreds of feet.

Besides, he loved the drive, the challenge of the turns, of meeting cars coming the opposite way, of navigating the passes with all the switch backs. He drove the dirt roads, I drove the paved roads.

I remember one pass to Silverton. We started the drive and got to the first switchback, cars were coming the opposite direction…downhill…and we watched several come down. They slid sideways a lot. Finally Norm figured out what was happening. The snow melted and a small layer of water slid under the rocks on the road, causing them to shift. The weight of the cars caused a bigger shift, they slid close to the edge. Norm decided to bypass that ride, he would have had to gun the engine to move uphill and that would have caused a bigger shift in the rocks…the road was narrow and the chance of sliding off the road was high.

We saw beautiful panoramas, the mountains, the valleys, the wild flowers…that was hit or miss depending on the year, the snow, gold and silver mines, ghost towns…every year we had a great adventure.

We talked every year about riding the Silverton train, he’d been on it, I’d been on it, we had never ridden it together. It never worked out. We visited Silverton, ate lunch there and shopped.

Our last visit, we had lunch and then it started to rain, which turned to hail, so much hail that it piled up like snow drifts, children made ice balls, there was so much of pea sized hail. It came time to head back, concerned about the possibility of more snow or ice on the pass we needed to take, we hopped into the OHV and found piles of hail and soaked seats. We headed back, and the sun came out.

Sometimes we’d visit Telluride, take the gondola down into town. We started going there the year I listened to Clive Cussler’s novels about Isaac Bell, a detective from the 1890s. One particular book took place in Telluride. We enjoyed seeing the old places that were mentioned in the book, like the hotel, still there. One year we stayed in Telluride and walked all over town.

2024 was our last great adventure. As we drove over the hills and down into the valleys, enjoying the views and the experience, Norm said that he thought this would be his last year going to Colorado, that we would plan something different for the next year. I guess I really didn’t believe it would be his last…

We went home, he walked the 11 mile trail that he monitored in the Smokeys, and came back extra tired. Sierra and Sawyer came to stay with us for a week. He had little energy and went to bed at 8 when they did. Another month, and he could hardly do anything and did not want to go even for rides through the mountains let alone walk a trail. He went from vibrant energy to invalid in a matter of weeks…

I love the memories, the hotel which had an old bed, one with the ropes instead of springs and a kitchen from the 1940s, the ice cream shop by the park which often had a craft fair going on, the cabin by the river, Katy’s place for breakfast, the ride over Imogene pass…our first OHV ride…

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the times that Norm and I had together and for the thrill that going to the San Juan Mountains gave him.

I pray for the presence of mind to be thankful for the times I have with family and friends, and not to take any of it for granted.

I rejoice that God gave me such a wonderful man with whom to spend 45 years.

Where’s the joy? It’s mixed with sorrow in the memories.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk. Memories.

April 26

This morning I got blind-sided. I’m planning a trip, going solo, and as I spoke about it to a friend, I started crying. I’ve taken trips since Norm passed, I’ve driven and flown on my own. But all of a sudden, the sorrow hit me that he won’t be here to say good-bye. I’ve dealt several times with the fact that he’s no longer here to greet me when I return, but this is the first dealing with his absence when I leave.

I am thankful for all the times that Norm and I had together. The price of love when one goes before the other, grief that appears at any time for any reason.

I pray for wisdom as I face each day.

I rejoice that God remains faithful. He has given me a great group of ladies who encourage me day by day.

Where’s the joy? The memories of the gift of a wonderful man and a loving relationship.

Norm used to say, “Let’s go to the south of France and see cathedrals and castles.”

I’d counter with, “Let’s go see the fjords of Norway.”

In 2024, before Norm got sick, we went to the fjords of Norway with plans for the south of France in 2025. We went with Viking Cruise Lines, met some wonderful couples with whom we won a couple of trivia games, and enjoyed the unique landscape of Norway and Sweden.

We took a train excursion, a boat ride down a fjord to see Pulpit Rock, saw the apartment where ABBA began, enjoyed the art and architecture of multiple towns, and took a bus through a tunnel that had a round about in it.

We stopped by one island that is independent, but kind of overseen by Denmark. As we walked around the town we came across the Russian Embassy building. Across the street, someone had built a memorial for the people of Ukraine in protest of Putin’s invasion, and later that day, a protest had been planned. Norm was disappointed we couldn’t stay and be part of the protest.

We made it into one town on a festival day. I watched from the ship as people walked by dressed in all kinds of costumes pulling wagons and baby carriages that we found out were full of beer. We had fun walking the town and seeing the variety of costuming…but the biggest amazement when the festival concluded, the clean up began, we were shocked at the speed at which the clean up happened. I will say that all the towns were very clean.

In Oslo, we went to Akershus…for those of you who don’t know, Akers is my maiden name. A nordic castle on the hill, it had a statue of FDR, who apparently provided protection for the royal family during the war.

Norm did get sick on the cruise, we thought it was just a bug, but in hindsight, it probably was because of the cancer. I visited Copenhagen without him. I saw the statue of the Little Mermaid, and went to the local amusement park that had the oldest wooden roller coaster in the world, which I rode by myself.

Norm and I had a lot of great times and saw some awesome places. I miss him.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

December 11

I dreamt about Norm last night. Some people have dreams of their departed loved ones where they have a wonderful heart to heart or assurances…good things. But in my dreams he’s either sick, angry or very disappointed in me…last night he was disappointed in some decisions I made.

The dream may have come as a result of a conversation I had. Yesterday a friend, who is also a widow, and I discussed the deaths of our husbands. There are times I ponder if I could have done something different to change the outcome…not uncommon with the death of a loved one.

Both of our husbands had a similar statement as they suffered through the treatment and the pain of cancer. Each commented, “Through this experience, I know now that I am loved. I know God loves me. I know my wife loves me. I know my children love me.” Not the exact words, but you get the gist.

My thoughts upon hearing him say that, “Did he not know how much I loved him?”

Was the dream a result of my own insecurities? Was it representative of his personality change due to the cancer? Was it a result of guilt that I could have done something differently?

I don’t know the why of the dream. Our minds process life in a variety of ways, and I believe it can be through dreams. This dream was more disturbing than helpful. I’ve cried a lot today.

When days like this happen, it causes me to go back to trust. Do I believe that God is in ultimate control? Do I believe that God has a time for each of us and when we our work is done here, He takes us home to be with Him? Do I believe it was Norm’s time to go and I could not change the outcome no matter what I did? Do I believe God has something good planned for the rest of my life?

“For I know the plans that I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

When people use this verse to speak about the blessings of God, I usually remind them that God said this just before the people of Israel went into exile in Babylon for 70 years. God doesn’t give us freedom from pain and trouble, He provides hope in the middle of the pain and trouble. Pain and sorrow come to all of us, God remains faithful through it all.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for God’s comfort in the midst of my sorrow.

I pray for wisdom as I speak with others about the hope that is found in Christ.

I rejoice in the coming of Jesus Christ, who opens the door for all of us to have a loving relationship with the God of the universe.

Where’s the joy? It’s found in the hope that God provides every day.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

December 2

Last year at this time, I began this post to deal with Norm’s cancer, hoping to focus on the positive and the joy of the season during a time of trial. It has been and continues to be therapeutic for me. I can share things here that I don’t share in person.

Today, I pondered why I am more open on this site than in person. I discovered it is because I can cry freely while I write. Then I wondered why I don’t cry with people…oh tears come and they fall, but I don’t allow myself to sob and weep.

I realized that I don’t cry because as a child, I cried a lot. Siblings and acquaintances called me “Cry Baby”. I learned to control the tears. They might well up in my eyes, but I would not let them fall. Norm’s death opened those gates, I still don’t allow the sobbing, but the tears will sometimes fall unbidden in the presence of others.

What am I going to do with this insight into my responses? Don’t know.

Tomorrow is my birthday, my first without Norm. He was always really good about doing something special with me. Whether a show or visiting a special site, he was good at coming up with something I’d enjoy. But, he’s not here.

I will be busy tomorrow, a brunch with my Bible study ladies, taking a friend to her doctor, and to end the day, a steak dinner with my sister and nieces and nephews which will be fun. When I’m not out doing, I’ll be putting out my Christmas decorations.

My birthday is usually the day I begin to think about goals for the next year and finding a Bible verse to focus on. One year the verse was to give thanks in everything…I felt like I fell short. Then the next year, it was “Rejoice always”… it was a tough year. My son Robert had a heart ablation, and later was diagnosed with Addison’s disease, Norm and I had some issues which needed work, and my best friend and I had a falling out…rejoicing didn’t happen much that year, but focusing on the call to rejoice allowed me to focus on giving thanks.

2025 began with a struggle to get Norm through chemo therapy and then healing, and after his death it became a matter of just living day to day without him in my life. I’ve seen the faithfulness of God throughout Norm’s cancer fight and my widowhood. Not anything we would have chosen, but God never promised a freedom from suffering, He promises to walk through it with us, bringing the encouragement we need to live each day. And with His presence, in the midst of all of this, God has given me moments of joy that cannot be explained.

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains
From where shall my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.

Psalm 121:1–8

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the reminder each Christmas of the coming of Jesus Christ, who came because God loved us and wants us to live in harmony with Him and with one another.

I pray for wisdom and courage to speak and act in order to bless the people around me.

I rejoice in the God of my salvation who always gives me hope.

Where’s the joy? It is found only in God who is my helper, my protector, and the keeper of my soul.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

November 7

Things seem to go really well, then all of a sudden, a word, song or picture will cause me to tear up and sometimes full fledged sobbing. I used to look at the crying emoji which shows waterfalls falling out of the eyes and think, who cries like that? I do.

The last two weeks have been more difficult because this is when we dealt with the diagnosis and his first treatment. Scary times, but continued hope for a total restoration to health.

Now, I’m facing the holiday season without him. I really did not expect last year to be our last Thanksgiving together, our last Christmas together…but then how does one prepare for that?

I’ve made plans. My daughter will come in for Thanksgiving and we’ll go to my niece’s new home. My brother and his wife will be there, as well as my sister and her beau, along with nieces and nephews. I’ll be surrounded by family for the day.

My daughter will help me decorate for Christmas, and we’ll do some Black Friday shopping. We do a lot of people watching and go out to eat. Christmas will be spent with my children and grandchildren.

Plans are great, but can’t prevent the memories washing in like a flood. This is the price of love, I cherish the memories even though tears accompany the memories. Norm and I had a lot of fun together. I married him because he made me laugh every day.

I am thankful for the almost 45 years that I had with Norm. He was a good man with a good heart.

I pray for those of us who will be facing the holidays without a loved one. Though the days can be tough, God is able to comfort us in our grief.

I rejoice that the season ahead gives us time to consider the hope that came with the birth of Jesus Christ, the promised Messiah who loved us enough to die on the cross so that we could walk in relationship with God.

Where’s the joy? It is in the memories, both good and bad. God blessed me with my marriage to Norm.

It is good to give thanks to the Lord and to sing praises to Your name, O Most High.

To declare Your loving kindness int he morning and Your faithfulness by night, with the ten-stringed lute and with the harp, with resounding music upon the lyre.

For You, O Lord, have made me glad by what You have done, I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands.

How great are Your works, O Lord! Your thoughts are very deep.

Psalm 92:1-5

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

October 4

This has been a tough week. As I pondered the cause, I realized that this was the time when it all came to a head. Norm had lesions and they said a liver biopsy was necessary.

I quit all my involvement in Bible study, choir, writing group…everything came to a halt as I did what I could to care for and encourage Norm. Everyday he seemed weaker, I felt like I was watching him die in slow motion. But it would be another month before we had an actual diagnosis.

I began to reach out to friends and family, letting them know what was happening and the prayers began to be lifted for Norm…all over the world. He was overwhelmed by the support he received, humbled by the care, even of people he did not know.

Should you find yourself or a loved one facing an unknown diagnosis that could be serious, I have a few suggestions.

  1. When you go to the doctor or specialist, have three sets of ears listening, even if one is on speaker phone. My sister suggested that and it was a great help. We would discuss what we heard and with three of us, we remembered more. My kids took great notes and made sure to share them with the ones who did not attend. if one of the three can be a medical person, even better.
  2. Ask questions. Clarify what you heard, repeat it back. If you don’t know what to ask, then say, “I don’t even know what to ask.” A good doctor will answer the common questions.
  3. If something is not happening as you had understood it, speak up. When we went in for the liver biopsy, the nurse told us they were doing a non-focal liver biopsy. We asked for clarification, they were taking a general sample from the liver, not the lesions. Fortunately, my sister knew the ropes and made the calls that got the biopsy stopped until the orders could be clarified. Too many people don’t speak up thinking they must have heard wrong, after all the doctor should know, right? Mistakes are made, if it doesn’t sound or look right, speak up.
  4. When the cancer diagnosis came, we were given a patient advocate. If that is provided for you, they are a great source of information, they know the ropes for scheduling tests and appointments. Use them.

I’m returning to those things in which I was involved. It’s tough, but I am trying to move forward and people are very supportive.

I am thankful for the family and friends who supported me and Norm during this time of trial and stress. We would not have made it without them.

I pray for wisdom and courage for the days ahead, I sometimes feel as if I’m still on the roller coaster, but God remains faithful.

I rejoice that God is my rock and my salvation. He will be with me in the good and in the bad.

Where’s the joy? It’s in the hope provided by Jesus Christ.

O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

Thus I have seen You in the sanctuary, to see Your power and Your glory. Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise You.

So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name. My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth offers praises with joyful lips.

When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches, for You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy.

Psalm 63:1-7

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

July 6

This has been an unexpectedly tough week. It started with a cancer scare of my own. I had to go back for a rescan…I’m fine…but for a few days I lived with the uncertainty of my future. My main concern, how to tell my kids if it required chemo…another concern, how to face it without Norm…but all that is moot, no big deal and no treatment needed.

Four months ago I said goodbye to Norm…it seems so much longer and yet each day I awake, having to remind myself that he is not here. The little things, the everyday remind me of what I have lost. Some days are harder than others.

I was trying to figure out why this week has been particularly tough. I think it’s that July of 2024 was the last month that Norm was somewhat his normal self. He got aggravated easier, but still had the energy to hike and take pictures and to spend time with the grands. We didn’t know anything was wrong.

We did the usual fun things for July. The fireworks with the Knoxville Symphony on the 4th, then his birthday vacation to Colorado. Always, we made plans for the future, where we would go.

We took care of Sierra and Sawyer for a week, they love their Poppop. He didn’t have as much energy as usual with them, but I didn’t think it was anything serious.

Perhaps that’s my issue…I didn’t see how seriously ill he was until it was too late. Logically I know that there was no way for me to know, but emotions aren’t logical.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the good memories I have and that Norm had a really good week with Sierra and Sawyer before the illness overcame his energy.

I pray for those walking in illness and the caregivers, for strength and wisdom and times of joy in the midst of the pain.

I rejoice that God is faithful even more than we can comprehend.

Where’s the joy? It comes as I rest in the hope that God provides and turn to Him for comfort in the midst of the sorrow.

O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.

Psalm 139:1–18

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

July 3

Norm’s birthday is coming up. So I’ve been thinking a lot about his last birthday. He seemed healthy, and we had a great time.

We traveled to Lake City in Colorado, a place to stay if you want to do the Alpine Loop. He rented an off-highway vehicle (OHV) and we drove on the narrow, dirt roads with multiple tight hairpin turns. He offered to let me drive, but I said no…I didn’t want to be the one to miscalculate the edge of the road and end up tumbling down the mountain. Granted, we did have roll bars, but who wants to have to use them?

July is a good time to visit. The mountain flowers can be seen in their full glory…of course it’s a brief glory, and we hit it at prime color last year.

We drove to Silverton one day, we liked to have lunch and shop there. As we left lunch, hail began to fall. We figured it would be short lived, no bad weather was expected. We watched the hail build up, looked like snow…enough to build a snowman. We still had to go back over the mountains, on those narrow roads…now covered with snow and hail. Norm took it slow and we got some beautiful pictures.

We visited an old gold mine, some ghost towns, and took a gondola ride up the side of a mountain along the Million Dollar Highway…steep, but not narrow and paved all the way. I drove that one.

We didn’t know that would be the last time. He was looking forward to talking the kids into joining us one summer.

Within a month, his health took a downturn. We didn’t suspect cancer at all…lyme disease, possibly…but not cancer. By the end of August he hardly had the strength to leave the house and it took 3 months to discover the cancer.

This is ending up being as tough as our anniversary. The memory of his strength and stamina, his joy of driving in the mountains, his joy in photography of nature…very real as I remember our trip last year.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that I chose to go with him last year…one never knows when it will be the last.

I pray for those who are facing an unknown or cancer diagnosis, that they will be given the strength to endure, and some times of joy in the midst of it.

I rejoice that God gives us joyful memories, and sometimes allows the rough times to fade so that the best remains.

Where’s the joy? I have been able to enjoy some very special memories. Though they are tinged with grief, they are great memories.

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle.
The Lord performs righteous deeds
And judgments for all who are oppressed.
He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the sons of Israel.
The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him.
For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.
As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,
And its place acknowledges it no longer.
But the lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
To those who keep His covenant
And remember His precepts to do them.
The Lord has established His throne in the heavens,
And His sovereignty rules over all.
Bless the Lord, you His angels,
Mighty in strength, who perform His word,
Obeying the voice of His word!
Bless the Lord, all you His hosts,
You who serve Him, doing His will.
Bless the Lord, all you works of His,
In all places of His dominion;
Bless the Lord, O my soul!

Psalm 103

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

June 20

Tough week! Started with spreading Norm’s ashes at an overlook on the Blue Ridge Parkway. Followed by daily turning to speak to Norm and realizing he’s not here.

Then yesterday I went to get my mammogram and bone density tests. Those took place in the place where Norm had his final pet scan that showed that the cancer was mostly gone and the treatment was working. Then the receptionist asked if I was married…not anymore, widow. She came from behind the desk to give me a hug…I couldn’t hold the tears back.

Tomorrow would have been our 45th anniversary. Pre cancer we had plans to return to Hawaii. My girls and grands are coming to spend some time with me tomorrow, so I don’t have to face it alone.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the memories that I have with Norm, and that I miss him. How sad to not miss the one you love.

I pray for courage for the next few days, and for wisdom to walk this path I did not choose.

I rejoice that God provides all I need, sometimes before I realize what I need.

Where’s the joy? It’s in the memories, lots of good memories.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

May 14

Yesterday was full of regrets. I could have gone on more of Norm’s photography trips. I could have made the effort to tell him how much he meant to me. I could have been kinder and paid more attention when he first talked of his symptoms…in my defense, he was a bit of a hypochondriac.

I’ve heard that this is part of grieving, looking at what I could have/should have done. There’s no way to go back and change the past, but perhaps it will help me as I deal with family and friends moving forward…to let them know I care, to give the thanks and the approval as it happens.

People have told me their loved ones have come to them in dreams…usually a good thing. Norm appeared in my dream last night, alive. Usually if it’s a dream about him, it’s me dealing with his death. Last night, he was alive. Instead of an encouraging word of love and care, he gave me a list of how I had failed him. I know that was just a reflection of my thoughts yesterday being reviewed in my dream, but still, it was kind of a bummer.

As I thought about my dream, I started laughing. Norm was good at making me laugh. That was so not Norm…at least not who he was before the cancer changed his personality to a bitter, angry old man. The treatments gave me back my husband for a few months with jokes and laughter, celebrating the small successes as he battled cancer. We made plans for trips to France, Egypt, a cruise or two, going back to the Alpine Highway in Colorado…hopeful days in the midst of the turmoil of cancer.

Are there regrets? We all have them. Moving forward? Forgiveness and do better with those still on this earth.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the extra months I had with Norm where he was his funny, sarcastic self.

I pray for words of encouragement and affirming to give to those around me, and asking forgiveness when appropriate.

I rejoice that God’s forgiveness is always available to us when we ask. He knows our weaknesses more than we know our own.

Where’s the joy? I married Norm because he made me laugh…Memories of Norm will still make me laugh.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32.

I know all to well, you never know when it will be your last opportunity to be kind…

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