June 22
Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. The date doesn’t go away just because he’s no longer here with me. My daughter and sister came and went out to lunch with me. They helped to make it a pleasant day, and not a day filled with tears.
Last week I drove to Colorado. A friend had planned to join me, but a family situation caused her to stay behind. I think God planned it that way.
On the way out, I stopped to see friends we had known in Cincinnati. On the way back, I had lunch with a friend from college. Both were great visits…catching up, sharing what’s happening in our lives. I stayed a couple of days with Norm’s aunt and his one cousin…I don’t even know how many cousins I have…She says that she is the only cousin on both sides of the family.
They were great times of connection, my word for this year. I plan to be intentional about making connections, and renewing connections I’ve had in the past.
I went solo for most of the trip. I drove around the San Juan mountains, took the Million Dollar Highway, the Silver Thread Highway and a number of scenic roads. As I tried to find the Great American Basin, I found myself on roads better suited for ATV’s.
It didn’t take too long on the unpaved road for me to find a place to turn around, usually a series of y-turns at a passing spot on a very narrow road. When Norm and I went on these roads in the OHV (off highway vehicle), we saw a lot of Subaru Crosstreks. I knew my car could make it…not so sure of the ability of the driver on the rocks and tight turns. Being solo, I didn’t want to risk it.
I thought about taking the train from Durango to Silverton, a beautiful ride I did with a friend before Norm and I started dating. Going solo on the train didn’t bother me, it was the two hours in Silverton for lunch and shopping. Norm and I lunched and shopped in Silverton whenever we were in the area…I didn’t want to do it solo.
For several mornings, I arose, got some breakfast and got in the car for a drive through the mountains. I’d put on Sandy Patti, 2nd Chapter of Acts, Avalon, or Point of Grace and just drive. Beautiful scenery and the voices of praise to the Lord lifted my spirit…and brought out that I was upset with God.
God could have healed Norm completely, but chose to take him. It’s difficult to trust when the outcome is not what one wants. But I’m trying to practice what I have told others, when one is angry with God, might as well tell Him…He knows it already. When one admits the anger, then God will work to bring it back to trust, that He loves us and wants the best for us.
The anger at God was followed by being upset with myself. There were things I could have done differently, and there are words I regret not saying. I could spend days in regret, but I cannot change the past and I don’t think there was anything I could have done to keep Norm alive longer. What I can do, is be more intentional about the relationships with family and friends that are still here.
And then, I was upset with Norm…like he could have kept himself from getting cancer.
I’ve processed through these emotions before, and I’m under no illusion that this will be the last time. But in all this, I can still say, God is with me and God is faithful. He brings me back to hope every time.
Some of the roads I took, I had driven with Norm. Others were new to me. I realized that this is my life moving forward. Some adventures will be ones that Norm and I took in the past, filled with memories, good and bad. There will also be new adventures that I will experience on my own…good and bad. Whether solo, with friends, or with family, it will all be okay.
Where’s the joy?
I am thankful for my trip to Colorado. The time with family and friends, as well as the time solo encouraged my heart. I am blessed to have been able to do it.
I pray for the connections that will come my way as I walk solo, that I will be an encouragement, that I will challenge others to be more than they think they can be, and that I will be faithful to pray for their walk in this life.
I rejoice that we have hope, and that hope will not disappoint.
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.
For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God.
For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.
More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation. Romans 5:1-11
TRICIA LATHROP 