Posts Tagged With: joy

Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk.

Posted on March 8, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 7

Yesterday afternoon my husband went to walk with the Lord in His garden. My daughters and I were with him as he took his last breath on this world. They kept him comfortable so he didn’t feel any pain. We did, and spent some time crying at his bedside.

When we returned to the house, each room held reminders of his presence in my life. His photos and creations are all over the walls. His furniture, his clothes, and his Kleenex that he left all over. There were times I just sat, totally stunned at the reality. When I went to bed, I kept saying it was all a bad dream and that when I’d awake, Norm would be there.

I was so tired physically and emotionally that I went right to sleep and slept all night. I think it was the Lord’s blessing so that I could get through today.

Today I began working on some things I needed to take care of. Called the funeral to set up a meeting, called Social Security to arrange survivor’s benefits…a lot easier than I expected. However, I’m having trouble reaching Norm’s pension provider, a busy signal buzzed at me each time.

My girls, in an effort to keep themselves busy, helped me clean the house. It has been sorely neglected these last four weeks, and a little before that as we dealt with the cancer treatments.

The first order of business, take down the bookshelf that became an issue of contention between Norm and I. I spoke about it in a former post, when I yelled at Norm. His illness had changed his personality a bit, and I was frustrated. Looking at it reminded me of my failure, so down it came. My girls decided that neither of them wanted it, it would also remind them of the personality change that came over Norm before treatment.

We want to remember the good times, the fun, the adventure, the love.

We found things that made us cry. We found things that made us laugh.

We’ve received words of encouragement, flowers, phone calls, texts…distractions from the pain of the loss.

But now the day is done, and the reality of his death hits me anew. I want to push it aside, but I’m going to embrace the grief. When one loves much, the grief is deeper. I trust the Lord to walk me through all of this.

I am thankful for the peace that passes all understanding. Without it, I would not be able to function.

I pray for wisdom and courage to face each day, not only for me, but for my children and grandchildren as they also walk the path of grief.

I rejoice that Norm is walking with the Lord. It is a hope that brings me encouragement.

Where’s the joy? So many friends and family encouraging. Norm’s life is worth celebrating, he touched a lot of lives with his humor and his wisdom. His photos have brought joy to a lot of people all over the US.

Moving forward, just as during the cancer diagnosis and treatment, trusting in the Lord will be essential to my well being.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6.

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 7, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 6

My husband’s prayer: “Lord, please release my spirit so that I can walk with You in Your garden.” Today, Norm’s prayer was answered. He walks with the Lord in His heavenly garden.

My heart aches for my children and me. I came home to a house full of memories of Norm. He walks the earth no longer.

Where’s the joy?

I give thanks that Norm is no longer struggling with pain.

I pray for comfort for my family as we deal with the grief of losing Norm. I also pray for wisdom and strength as I walk the road ahead.

I rejoice that Norm is with the Lord.

Where’s the joy? I have hope that I will see Norm again.

This is my final Where’s the Joy?. I had hoped for a different ending, one where Norm is healed of his cancer and we continue our wonderful adventures. God chose a new path for me, without my best friend, most avid encourager, and wise counsellor.

So I will start a new series, Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk.

For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are the sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!”

The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God, fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God.

For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God.

For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves having the first fruits of the Spirit, even ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body.

For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees?

But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

And not only this, but also we ourselves having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of the body.

For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees.

But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

Romans 8:14-25

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 3, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 1

Today–emotional overload. I’ve reached my limit.

They did the preliminaries to take Norm off the ventilator, which means they reduce the sedation, giving him an opportunity to breathe on his own and making him aware of his surroundings.

He writhed against the restraints. His eyes bulged in fear as he looked at me, begging for me to help, no words, but in feeble sounds. That episode is seared onto my brain.

I stood helplessly as his O2 level dropped to far and it seemed he would go into cardiac arrest. They sedated him again to try later.

I can’t do this again. I cried because of his pain and fear. I cried because I am not strong enough to stay with him through this trial.

They kept him quiet the rest of the day and will try again tomorrow.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that the nurses and doctors know how far to push before calling it quits, allowing his body to rest for another try.

I pray for strength to be with Norm, in prayer if not physically present.

I rejoice that there is still hope.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul; He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 1, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 28

Today was to be Norm’s last chemo treatment, but here we are in the ICU, intubated. Disappointing that we were so close. He seems to get better then crashes. Do close and yet so far.

He has a breathing tube, a feeding tube and all kinds of IVs with antibiotics and antifungals as well as an artery monitor to keep closer tabs on BP and oxygen levels. His neck is swollen and he continues to sleep, I’m hoping he has pleasant dreams. His oxygen levels continue to fluctuate.

This is painful to watch. I’ve played his music all day, hoping to give him some encouragement in music. I talk to him, just in case he can hear me and knows he is loved.

They did another bronchial analysis, hoping for answers. I don’t know what they might find that they haven’t before.

The way I see it, the only way he is pulling through is if the Lord reaches down another time and heals his body. Of real concern, his lungs, we don’t know how much they have been damaged, if at all.

If he lives through this, will he be able to hike again? Will he be willing to go to scenic overlooks and be in a wheelchair to get some photographs? Will he be able to continue with woodworking, and finish Sawyer’s bed? Will he be able to continue with his chemotherapy and be fully healed head to toe?

I’m still just walking each day, one step in front of the other, doing what needs to be done and trying to get the rest I need so I can continue each day.

I don’t know what each day will bring, but God does. I know He wants God’s best for Norm.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the staff that is taking such good care of Norm with a good attitude.

I pray for the Lord to do what is best for Norm, a miracle healing is my preference, BUT only God knows what is truly best.

I rejoice that…to be honest, I’m not rejoicing. BUT I know that God remains faithful and He is at work in Norm’s life and in mine.

Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen. 1 Timothy 1:17

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 28, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 27

When I left Norm at the hospital last night he was joking with the nurses and doctors. He still had some trouble breathing, but seemed to be on the mend.

A phone call this am had Rob and I trying to get to the hospital quickly. Tons of equipment sat outside his room. I entered the room, my eyes on Norm, restrained and struggling with the tube down his throat.

He opened his eyes, will and frightened. I tried to reassure him. Tears ran down his cheeks. I told him I loved him, and I would be with him. They gave him more sedative and he slept.

ICU again…this one is more pleasant for the family. More room, a comfortable couch where I will sleep.

I will say this about the staff at University of Tennessee Medical Center, they have been awesome. This is our fifth crew of this hospital visit and they have all given Norm excellent tender care.

I’ve been telling the nurses about his hiking and photography adventures, since he cannot share. It’s hard to watch him be like this.

Still no answers. More tests to come. He’s resting comfortably, probably the best sleep he’s had in six months.

Where’s the joy? Actually, lots of tears today.

I am thankful for the considerate, tender care of the staff at UT.

I pray that the Lord intervenes and heals Norm completely, another eleventh hour miracle would be great.

I rejoice that the Lord God of the universe has a plan for Norm. I will trust Him.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I lift up my hands. Psalm 63:1-4

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 20, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 20

Before I begin what I wrote earlier this morning, I want you to know that things look better for Norm today. I’m going ahead to share this because I think that as a caregiver, we all reach a point of frustration where we feel that it may never get better.

When does one call it quits? Ten days ago I took Norm to the hospital with a 103 degree fever and a decreasing ability to walk. He was doing so well on chemo, it was a fast fall from doing well to being on his deathbed.

Yesterday, the doctors think they have found the cause and have a treatment…after 10 days of this is possibly it and treatments not working, I’m a bit skeptical. 10 days of hope, followed by that wasn’t it and hopes dashed. I’m weary of the roller coaster of emotions.

Norm’s pain has increased, it was a 6, now he’s saying it’s an 8. They are giving him pain meds every few hours and he is counting the minutes until he can get a new med.

When I left yesterday, I planned to speak to the nurses about the tube. Would it decrease his anxiety and agitation since he would be sedated to use the tube? Would it allow him to rest? Would it help with the pain while the new meds do their job on the fungal pneumonia?

But then, am I really thinking more about him or about me? I’m tired.

I’m tired of seeing him in such pain and not able to do anything for him.

I’m tired of him griping at me when I don’t have the food, drink or other item that he must have right now.

I’m tired of the daily drive to the hospital where I sit in an uncomfortable chair waiting for him to demand something from me.

I’m frustrated that I cannot do what I want to do.

Everyone says take care of yourself. But when someone you love is suffering and dying, one can’t take care of oneself…you just can’t.

What is best for Norm? His brother and sister said that after I left, they were able to have some good conversation and he seemed to improve. He definitely does better with others in the room.

Last night I got a text from Norm saying that the oxygen device fell off and he felt like he was suffocating. It was scary for him. The nurse was trying to get it back on, but he was agitated and she kept telling him to calm down, tough to do when you can’t breath.

At this point I have to trust the doctors and nurses to know when he needs to have the tube. They’ve dealt with people in need before, they know what to do and when it needs to happen.

If the new meds don’t work, then we revisit the giving of comfort care. I will take him home until he goes to his permanent home to walk with the God in the heavenly garden.

Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.

Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit.

For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.

For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah

I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah.

Therefore let everyone who is godly offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found; surely in the rush of great waters, they shall not reach him.

You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit and bridle, or it will not stay near you.

Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.

Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart! Psalm 32

Where’s the Joy?

I am thankful Norm is in a facility that gives him the best chance for not only survival, but also restoration to a good quality of life.

I pray for wisdom to make right choices, courage to face the uncertain future, strength to endure and hope that rests in the Lord God Almighty alone.

I rejoice that Norm knows the saving grace of Jesus Christ and that his future is secure in Christ.

Where’s the joy? My joy rests in the Lord.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:5-8

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 12, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 11

It has been a roller coaster kind of week. We waver between Norm behaving as if he will die in a few days, to great reports about what is happening with him.

He continues to have a fever with unknown origin…I guess not uncommon with chemo patients. They’ve ruled out a lot of things. Norm is not presenting symptoms to identify with any one thing. No headaches, no nausea, he just has overall body aches and weakness, along with the fever. But each day, the fever stays lower longer and doesn’t spike as high.

They’ve done multiple tests and scans. What we know, the cancer has not returned. The scans show that the chemo is wiping out the cancer. There is no longer any sign of it in the brain. We Thank God for that.

Norm is tired of fighting. He says that he is broken mentally, physically, and spiritually. This morning, before we got news from the doctors, he wanted to go home and die. He mourns the death of the man he was.

He always wants to know, so he can act. It’s been almost a week in the hospital, and still no answers. Well, a lot of answers as to what it is not, just not what it is.

He wants to come home, but he needs to be where he can get treated to get stronger. He is getting stronger. But he is frustrated.

As I said at the beginning of this post, we are on a roller coaster. He’s up, he’s down…we’re thrown for another loop…and never coming to rest.

Where’s the joy? Another tough day of uncertainty sprinkled with hope.

I am thankful for my family. My kids spent the day with Norm so I could have some regrouping time.

I pray for Norm, that he will regain physical stamina, spiritual wisdom, and emotional stability.

I rejoice that God continues to hold Norm in his hand, regardless of the difficulty and lack of knowledge.

Where’s the joy? God remains faithful, even when I do not.

Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in Him.”

The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:19-26

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 12, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 9

The last two days have been awful. Saturday night, Jenn and I returned to the house to get some rest before returning to the hospital the next morning. I got a text from Norm complaining about the staff, said he was refusing to do what they asked until he talked to a doctor. He thought his symptoms required a visit to ICU and how could these so called professionals not see it.

His mind is under attack by an unknown illness. He has no control over the anger, and when he gets an idea in his head, he will not be dissuaded. The last week he’s been yelling at me, but now he was yelling at the nurses.

I know and the nurses know that this is the disease speaking. One of the nurses commented on his prior behavior on the floor, they knew this was not the way my husband would react. The nurses are used to dealing with cancer patients who are in life changing situations. Sometimes the cancer does a number on the brain, sometimes the treatment can cause the emotional shifts, sometimes an infection will invade an already compromised body and wreak havoc.

Jenn, who has a way with talking to upset people, calmed him down. She helped restore him to some rationality, but he was still angry, even though he felt as if someone heard.

This has been tough on Norm. There is fear of losing control. Norm never used drugs or drank alcohol because he wanted his mind and emotions in tact, he did not want to lose control. Yet, here he is…hearing himself be hateful, but unable to stop.

Nine months ago he was hiking 10-12 miles per hike. When this started, there was a fear he would never hike again.

Out west, he enjoyed driving us in an OHV all over the San Juan Mountains. It was scary at times and required skill and full awareness.

In August we spent a week watching the grands, going to the park, playing, enjoying one another’s company. They love playing with their Poppop, who throws himself totally into their games. Due to the illness, we have not seen them since, except on FaceTime.

Norm loves to do woodworking, his Covid hobby. He is in the process of building a bed for his grandson Sawyer. Partially finished, it sits in the garage.

He had plans to go to Yellowstone for two weeks to look for wolves to photograph. We had plans to go to the Northeast and revisit some of our favorite places when the leaves were in their autumn peak. We had plans to take the Viking River Cruise from Amsterdam to Budapest in the spring.

We’ve made some plans to celebrate his survival. A Disney cruise in April, a trip to Yellowstone with some family and friends in the fall, and another trip to visit the cathedrals in France. All on hold at the moment, but not cancelled.

Wherever we go, and on Norm’s hiking trips, he takes award winning photographs…he took second place in the National Parks photo contest. He has been to all the National Parks in the continental US, as well as some in Alaska and all in Hawaii. He had planned a trip to Alaska in 2025 to get the remaining parks there…not happening this year. If he recovers, maybe next year.

His favorite things, family…especially the grands Sierra and Sawyer, debating with his friends, hiking, photography, word working, and having deep thoughts…all are suffering because of the cancer and now diminished because of whatever is happening in his brain.

One day while I held his hand, he had a thought. All that made his life worthwhile had been stripped away except love. God loves him. I love him. His family loves him. His friends love him. People he has never met show their love by praying for his healing.

He decided at that time, love was enough.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that Norm knows he is loved. He’s a little fuzzy on that, but he sees his family staying by his side and knows that people are praying.

I pray for those living without the knowledge of love, especially the love that God has for them. God loves each one so much that he sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross in payment of their sin so that they could come to know God as a loving Father.

I rejoice that we continue to hope in spite of the circumstances.

Where’s the joy? The joy is in the assurance of God’s love in our lives. No matter what we have done, He loves us. No matter how far we run away from him, He loves us. No matter what we see happening around us, God loves us with a love that is deeper and purer than anyone on earth can give.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. John 3:16-18

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 11, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 8

Still at the hospital. No answers.

My oldest daughter is here with me. My children have been great about coming in for Norm’s treatments. This weekend, he is here for an as yet unknown infection. Chemo is not happening, we are waiting to see when it can resume.

Meanwhile, we wait. Norm seems to be improving physically, not so much mentally. He’s not hearing voices, but definitely a misperception of reality. For instance, today he is positive he has bird flu from his visit to Asia 20 years ago, and doesn’t understand why the doctors don’t test for it.

It’s tough to watch him suffer and be able to offer no consolation. Nothing works, he’s just in a miserable place.

We pray. We wait. We pray while we wait. Others also pray while we wait.

It all comes back to trust. I trust God to do the best for him. I hope God will totally heal him. I know God will do/allow what is best for him.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. Hebrews 11:1

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for my children who are here for Norm and me without complaint, helping us to navigate this path.

I pray for wisdom and strength for the people who care for Norm in the hospital and in the outpatient center.

I rejoice in the Heavenly Father who is unseen and yet sees all.

Where’s the joy? Standing on the promises that God has made to us through Jesus Christ the Lord.

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 8, 2025 by tricialathrop

So yesterday, Norm began the day walking with a cane, by noon he needed a walker…and that was unsteady. At 3, he began to run a 103 degree fever. I had to have help getting him into a wheelchair to get him to the hospital. Thank you Mike.

With the emergency department completely full and Norm immune compromised, we were able to get him into a processing room. They did a lot of tests and took some blood cultures to figure out what is going on.

Most troubling is the attitude change, back to the anger…not only at me but at all the nurses trying to take care of him. I was so happy when the chemo seemed to be working to have my husband back, with a great sense of humor…this man with this sickness…he’s just angry.

Now, we are in the cancer ward. While we don’t know the cause of the fever, all the contagious possibilities have been ruled out. No covid, no RSV, no flu.

Still angry. I can’t imagine the thoughts going through his mind. He has to be confused, everything was going well and now he cannot take care of himself. He can’t even sit up by himself, let alone walk.

I try to give him the grace he needs in order for him to vent his frustration, but there comes a point where I need to step away and regroup.

I have to ask myself, how would I behave in a similar situation? I’m not sure. The anger seems to be related to the cancer…so he can’t help that.

I know of a woman who could not live with her husband because he threatened her life, he could live with his son, but she was in danger. I can’t imagine.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful we live near a leading edge health care facility, UT staff have been great.

I pray that the Lord will continue to give me grace to extend to Norm as he fights this awful disease.

I rejoice that we have been able to get Norm in to someone who can give him the help he needs.

Where’s the joy? Though the road is hard and has a lot of bumps, God continues to provide for all our needs.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice.

Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of god, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 4:4-8

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