Posts Tagged With: joy

Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on April 18, 2025 by tricialathrop

April 17

Tough week. The reality of Norm’s death hits me everyday. My friends who are widows say that it will get better…they know…they’ve been there.

I’ve started a new Bible study on hope because right now, hope is my lifeline. My hope is in God, who is my salvation. Tomorrow we celebrate, actually we remember the death of Christ on the cross. He took all our sins and all our sorrows, dying and paying the penalty for our sins and rejection of the creator God. Sunday, we celebrate His resurrection. He came to give us life, eternal life.

Because of what Christ did on the cross…I have hope. Hope that God will guide me while I remain here on earth, hope that I will see Norm again when I go to walk with God in the garden.

I read Psalm 42 today.

As the deer pants for the streams of water, so my soul pants for You, O God.

Our spiritual self needs God in our lives, just as our physical self needs water. Sometimes dehydration sneaks up on us, we aren’t aware of how thirsty we are, but there will come a time when the thirst cannot be denied.

My soul thirsts for God, for the Living God. When can I go to meet with God?

God hears our prayers, He is the Living God who actively hears and sees us. he is always present even when we do not sense Him in our lives. Norm is walking with God, fully aware of who God is and how much God loves.

My tears have been my food, day and night, while men say to me, “Where is your God?”

It’s true, my tears fall down my cheeks, often unbidden, but there all the same. I’m never sure when they will overflow.

I don’t have anyone asking about God’s presence in my life. Indeed, I have a lot of encouragement from others of God’s faithfulness.

These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitudes, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.

Songs of joy and festivity are not a part of my worship. Instead the worship songs bring tears to my eyes that pour down my cheeks.

Why are you downcast, o my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in god, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.

Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is a time to weep and a time to mourn. I’m in a time of weeping that will not last forever. There will be a time when the memory brings a smile, not tears. There will be a time when the songs I sing to the Lord will be joyful, not full of sorrow. There will be a time when the pain of loss will be wrapped and sealed, occasionally breaking out with a new wave of pain, only to be resealed by love and good memories.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the 44 years I had with Norm, and I’m thankful that I miss him, it reveals he meant a lot to me.

I pray for grace as I take the time to grieve my loss.

I rejoice that Jesus Christ came to earth as a man, to die on the cross so that I can have hope in the resurrection which leads to eternal life.

Where’s the joy? My joy is in the Lord…even when the tears fall.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on March 21, 2025 by tricialathrop

I’m a widow. In just one day I changed my demographic, no longer married…a widow.

It’s not like I’m going to run around and tell people, “I’m a widow now”. I will comment about my husband, sharing stories of our life together. But for the rest of my life on those forms we fill out ad nauseam, I will have to mark “widow”.

For some reason this realization is hitting me hard. It’s weird. It identifies me as someone who was once married, but is no longer because of death. And I’m not sure how to deal with it.

The term, widow, draws up images of “Gone With the Wind” and the Scarlett dancing in her widow’s garb. In the English movies, the widow is either a scheming bitter woman who speaks poorly about everyone, or a senseless dowager who needs constant watching.

There are some widows in the Bible. Naomi, who called herself Mara, because of bitterness, but had the grace to find provision for her widowed daughter-in-law Ruth.

The widow of Naan, for whom Jesus raised her son to life. In those days children took care of their widowed mothers and if she didn’t have that protection, she could be reduced to begging. Jesus gave her not only her son, but her provision.

Anna dwelled in the temple for 70 years as a widow, and gave witness to Jesus Christ as the Messiah alongside Simeon.

Jesus praised the widow, who in her need, gave all she had to the Lord.

The only non-widow in the women mentioned in Jesus’ genealogy was Mary, his mother. But by the time Jesus began his ministry, she was a widow.

The prophets criticized the leaders of Israel for not taking care of the widows or orphans and not hearing their causes. Jesus commented that the leadership of his day “devoured” widows houses (Mark 12:40). James tells us that caring for widows and orphans in their affliction is a part of pure and undefiled religion.

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. James 1:27

In America today, most widows are not as reliant on their children as in the past. Most have Social Security or a pension, either from their own job or their husband’s. Of course, this does not apply to all widows, some do need to rely on their children or the state for their provision and care.

Now that I am a widow, I see that I didn’t see the needs of the widows, not that I ignored them or didn’t help…I just wasn’t aware of some needs.

1 Timothy 5 gives some guidelines for caring for widows. The first responsibility falls to the family, children and grandchildren. Then it falls to the church. Younger widows were encouraged to remarry.

There are cautions mentioned: don’t be idle, don’t go from house to house just being idle, don’t become gossips or busybodies talking about things not worth mentioning. (1 Timothy 5:13)

As a widow, I am to fix my hope on God and continue in entreaties and prayers. I am to be devoted good works, showing hospitality to strangers, assisting those in distress, serving the Lord in the church, teaching the young women…all the things I should have been doing all along…

Paul also has guidelines for the widows and the single women. As an unmarried woman now, I can focus more on the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit.

The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. 1 Corinthians 7:24

I am a widow, and in that role I have some responsibilities before the Lord. It should be interesting to see where this path takes me.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the people who have rallied around me during this time of grieving and readjustment.

I pray for wisdom and courage to walk in the path that the Lord has set before me.

I rejoice that God cares for those who are needy and somewhat helpless, so much so that he calls his people to care for the broken and hurting.

Where’s the joy? The Lord continues to have a purpose for my life and will reveal his plan as I seek His face.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on March 17, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 16

I went to church this morning. I haven’t been since Norm started his chemo treatments. I debated going since a while back a widow told me it was hard for her to go. She didn’t want to face all the questions. She didn’t want to face all the faces that were sympathetic. She didn’t want to go alone.

Lower attendance due to spring break, so not so many sympathetic eyes and questions. I received very sincere hugs. I cried. I sang and tried to worship. I cried some more. I listened to a sermon about the battle belonging to the Lord and the importance of praise.

I’m still a bit numb. I don’t feel like Norm is really gone, I feel like he’s just away on one of his camping trips. I think I mentioned that in an earlier post.

Am I in denial, delaying emotional breakdown that will accompany the reality of my loss?

Am I purposely distracting myself so I don’t have to face the loss?

Am I putting my emotions on a shelf so that I can do what needs to be done?

Am I afraid to allow myself to let the emotions flow?

Today I was reminded of the need for music in my life. Songs of worship will remind me of the Lord and what He can do in my life. Songs of love and romance will remind me of the love Norm and I shared. Songs of sorrow will allow the tears of loss to flow freely. Songs of joy will remind me that I have much to be thankful for.

This mourning process will take time. We all face it differently, we all face it in God’s timing.

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven–A time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; a time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; a time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; a time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

I am thankful for the support and encouragement of those who have walked this path before me.

I pray that I will see beyond myself, to give support to those who need it.

I rejoice that God is worthy of all praise and honor.

Where’s the joy? It’s in the music.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on March 15, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 14

I went through some of Norm’s items. I’m finally unpacking what I brought home from the hospital. It reminded me of what a roller coaster the last five weeks have been. It not only held items for his hospital stay, but also clothes for him to wear when he came home.

Sometimes, it’s as if he’s just away on one of his camping trips, at any minute he could walk through the door…but then, the reality of his being gone hits. Lunch with a friend and a few card games with my nephew provided some distraction, but the reality is always with me.

The memories are all good. I know there were times Norm frustrated me, but what I wouldn’t give to have him back, even on the most frustrating of days.

I’m preparing for his Celebration of his life. I love looking at it that way instead of as a memorial or funeral. He blessed a lot of people. His photos took people to places they could not go on their own. His storytelling never failed to entertain. He could talk to anyone about pretty much anything, his knowledge covered a number of topics.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the extra four months with Norm that the Lord gave to me through the effort of several doctors.

I pray for wisdom and courage as I walk this path.

I rejoice that God gives us memories to enjoy and to share with others.

Where’s the joy? It’s in sharing the stories, not only of Norm, but of what God has done.

Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise You. So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name.

My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth offers praises with joyful lips.

When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches, for You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy.

My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.

Psalm 63:3-8

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk.

Posted on March 8, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 7

Yesterday afternoon my husband went to walk with the Lord in His garden. My daughters and I were with him as he took his last breath on this world. They kept him comfortable so he didn’t feel any pain. We did, and spent some time crying at his bedside.

When we returned to the house, each room held reminders of his presence in my life. His photos and creations are all over the walls. His furniture, his clothes, and his Kleenex that he left all over. There were times I just sat, totally stunned at the reality. When I went to bed, I kept saying it was all a bad dream and that when I’d awake, Norm would be there.

I was so tired physically and emotionally that I went right to sleep and slept all night. I think it was the Lord’s blessing so that I could get through today.

Today I began working on some things I needed to take care of. Called the funeral to set up a meeting, called Social Security to arrange survivor’s benefits…a lot easier than I expected. However, I’m having trouble reaching Norm’s pension provider, a busy signal buzzed at me each time.

My girls, in an effort to keep themselves busy, helped me clean the house. It has been sorely neglected these last four weeks, and a little before that as we dealt with the cancer treatments.

The first order of business, take down the bookshelf that became an issue of contention between Norm and I. I spoke about it in a former post, when I yelled at Norm. His illness had changed his personality a bit, and I was frustrated. Looking at it reminded me of my failure, so down it came. My girls decided that neither of them wanted it, it would also remind them of the personality change that came over Norm before treatment.

We want to remember the good times, the fun, the adventure, the love.

We found things that made us cry. We found things that made us laugh.

We’ve received words of encouragement, flowers, phone calls, texts…distractions from the pain of the loss.

But now the day is done, and the reality of his death hits me anew. I want to push it aside, but I’m going to embrace the grief. When one loves much, the grief is deeper. I trust the Lord to walk me through all of this.

I am thankful for the peace that passes all understanding. Without it, I would not be able to function.

I pray for wisdom and courage to face each day, not only for me, but for my children and grandchildren as they also walk the path of grief.

I rejoice that Norm is walking with the Lord. It is a hope that brings me encouragement.

Where’s the joy? So many friends and family encouraging. Norm’s life is worth celebrating, he touched a lot of lives with his humor and his wisdom. His photos have brought joy to a lot of people all over the US.

Moving forward, just as during the cancer diagnosis and treatment, trusting in the Lord will be essential to my well being.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6.

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 7, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 6

My husband’s prayer: “Lord, please release my spirit so that I can walk with You in Your garden.” Today, Norm’s prayer was answered. He walks with the Lord in His heavenly garden.

My heart aches for my children and me. I came home to a house full of memories of Norm. He walks the earth no longer.

Where’s the joy?

I give thanks that Norm is no longer struggling with pain.

I pray for comfort for my family as we deal with the grief of losing Norm. I also pray for wisdom and strength as I walk the road ahead.

I rejoice that Norm is with the Lord.

Where’s the joy? I have hope that I will see Norm again.

This is my final Where’s the Joy?. I had hoped for a different ending, one where Norm is healed of his cancer and we continue our wonderful adventures. God chose a new path for me, without my best friend, most avid encourager, and wise counsellor.

So I will start a new series, Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk.

For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are the sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!”

The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God, fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God.

For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God.

For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves having the first fruits of the Spirit, even ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body.

For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees?

But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

And not only this, but also we ourselves having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of the body.

For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees.

But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

Romans 8:14-25

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 3, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 1

Today–emotional overload. I’ve reached my limit.

They did the preliminaries to take Norm off the ventilator, which means they reduce the sedation, giving him an opportunity to breathe on his own and making him aware of his surroundings.

He writhed against the restraints. His eyes bulged in fear as he looked at me, begging for me to help, no words, but in feeble sounds. That episode is seared onto my brain.

I stood helplessly as his O2 level dropped to far and it seemed he would go into cardiac arrest. They sedated him again to try later.

I can’t do this again. I cried because of his pain and fear. I cried because I am not strong enough to stay with him through this trial.

They kept him quiet the rest of the day and will try again tomorrow.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that the nurses and doctors know how far to push before calling it quits, allowing his body to rest for another try.

I pray for strength to be with Norm, in prayer if not physically present.

I rejoice that there is still hope.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul; He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 1, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 28

Today was to be Norm’s last chemo treatment, but here we are in the ICU, intubated. Disappointing that we were so close. He seems to get better then crashes. Do close and yet so far.

He has a breathing tube, a feeding tube and all kinds of IVs with antibiotics and antifungals as well as an artery monitor to keep closer tabs on BP and oxygen levels. His neck is swollen and he continues to sleep, I’m hoping he has pleasant dreams. His oxygen levels continue to fluctuate.

This is painful to watch. I’ve played his music all day, hoping to give him some encouragement in music. I talk to him, just in case he can hear me and knows he is loved.

They did another bronchial analysis, hoping for answers. I don’t know what they might find that they haven’t before.

The way I see it, the only way he is pulling through is if the Lord reaches down another time and heals his body. Of real concern, his lungs, we don’t know how much they have been damaged, if at all.

If he lives through this, will he be able to hike again? Will he be willing to go to scenic overlooks and be in a wheelchair to get some photographs? Will he be able to continue with woodworking, and finish Sawyer’s bed? Will he be able to continue with his chemotherapy and be fully healed head to toe?

I’m still just walking each day, one step in front of the other, doing what needs to be done and trying to get the rest I need so I can continue each day.

I don’t know what each day will bring, but God does. I know He wants God’s best for Norm.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the staff that is taking such good care of Norm with a good attitude.

I pray for the Lord to do what is best for Norm, a miracle healing is my preference, BUT only God knows what is truly best.

I rejoice that…to be honest, I’m not rejoicing. BUT I know that God remains faithful and He is at work in Norm’s life and in mine.

Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen. 1 Timothy 1:17

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 28, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 27

When I left Norm at the hospital last night he was joking with the nurses and doctors. He still had some trouble breathing, but seemed to be on the mend.

A phone call this am had Rob and I trying to get to the hospital quickly. Tons of equipment sat outside his room. I entered the room, my eyes on Norm, restrained and struggling with the tube down his throat.

He opened his eyes, will and frightened. I tried to reassure him. Tears ran down his cheeks. I told him I loved him, and I would be with him. They gave him more sedative and he slept.

ICU again…this one is more pleasant for the family. More room, a comfortable couch where I will sleep.

I will say this about the staff at University of Tennessee Medical Center, they have been awesome. This is our fifth crew of this hospital visit and they have all given Norm excellent tender care.

I’ve been telling the nurses about his hiking and photography adventures, since he cannot share. It’s hard to watch him be like this.

Still no answers. More tests to come. He’s resting comfortably, probably the best sleep he’s had in six months.

Where’s the joy? Actually, lots of tears today.

I am thankful for the considerate, tender care of the staff at UT.

I pray that the Lord intervenes and heals Norm completely, another eleventh hour miracle would be great.

I rejoice that the Lord God of the universe has a plan for Norm. I will trust Him.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I lift up my hands. Psalm 63:1-4

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 20, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 20

Before I begin what I wrote earlier this morning, I want you to know that things look better for Norm today. I’m going ahead to share this because I think that as a caregiver, we all reach a point of frustration where we feel that it may never get better.

When does one call it quits? Ten days ago I took Norm to the hospital with a 103 degree fever and a decreasing ability to walk. He was doing so well on chemo, it was a fast fall from doing well to being on his deathbed.

Yesterday, the doctors think they have found the cause and have a treatment…after 10 days of this is possibly it and treatments not working, I’m a bit skeptical. 10 days of hope, followed by that wasn’t it and hopes dashed. I’m weary of the roller coaster of emotions.

Norm’s pain has increased, it was a 6, now he’s saying it’s an 8. They are giving him pain meds every few hours and he is counting the minutes until he can get a new med.

When I left yesterday, I planned to speak to the nurses about the tube. Would it decrease his anxiety and agitation since he would be sedated to use the tube? Would it allow him to rest? Would it help with the pain while the new meds do their job on the fungal pneumonia?

But then, am I really thinking more about him or about me? I’m tired.

I’m tired of seeing him in such pain and not able to do anything for him.

I’m tired of him griping at me when I don’t have the food, drink or other item that he must have right now.

I’m tired of the daily drive to the hospital where I sit in an uncomfortable chair waiting for him to demand something from me.

I’m frustrated that I cannot do what I want to do.

Everyone says take care of yourself. But when someone you love is suffering and dying, one can’t take care of oneself…you just can’t.

What is best for Norm? His brother and sister said that after I left, they were able to have some good conversation and he seemed to improve. He definitely does better with others in the room.

Last night I got a text from Norm saying that the oxygen device fell off and he felt like he was suffocating. It was scary for him. The nurse was trying to get it back on, but he was agitated and she kept telling him to calm down, tough to do when you can’t breath.

At this point I have to trust the doctors and nurses to know when he needs to have the tube. They’ve dealt with people in need before, they know what to do and when it needs to happen.

If the new meds don’t work, then we revisit the giving of comfort care. I will take him home until he goes to his permanent home to walk with the God in the heavenly garden.

Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.

Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit.

For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.

For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah

I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah.

Therefore let everyone who is godly offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found; surely in the rush of great waters, they shall not reach him.

You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit and bridle, or it will not stay near you.

Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.

Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart! Psalm 32

Where’s the Joy?

I am thankful Norm is in a facility that gives him the best chance for not only survival, but also restoration to a good quality of life.

I pray for wisdom to make right choices, courage to face the uncertain future, strength to endure and hope that rests in the Lord God Almighty alone.

I rejoice that Norm knows the saving grace of Jesus Christ and that his future is secure in Christ.

Where’s the joy? My joy rests in the Lord.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:5-8

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