Posts Tagged With: god

Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

December 2

Last year at this time, I began this post to deal with Norm’s cancer, hoping to focus on the positive and the joy of the season during a time of trial. It has been and continues to be therapeutic for me. I can share things here that I don’t share in person.

Today, I pondered why I am more open on this site than in person. I discovered it is because I can cry freely while I write. Then I wondered why I don’t cry with people…oh tears come and they fall, but I don’t allow myself to sob and weep.

I realized that I don’t cry because as a child, I cried a lot. Siblings and acquaintances called me “Cry Baby”. I learned to control the tears. They might well up in my eyes, but I would not let them fall. Norm’s death opened those gates, I still don’t allow the sobbing, but the tears will sometimes fall unbidden in the presence of others.

What am I going to do with this insight into my responses? Don’t know.

Tomorrow is my birthday, my first without Norm. He was always really good about doing something special with me. Whether a show or visiting a special site, he was good at coming up with something I’d enjoy. But, he’s not here.

I will be busy tomorrow, a brunch with my Bible study ladies, taking a friend to her doctor, and to end the day, a steak dinner with my sister and nieces and nephews which will be fun. When I’m not out doing, I’ll be putting out my Christmas decorations.

My birthday is usually the day I begin to think about goals for the next year and finding a Bible verse to focus on. One year the verse was to give thanks in everything…I felt like I fell short. Then the next year, it was “Rejoice always”… it was a tough year. My son Robert had a heart ablation, and later was diagnosed with Addison’s disease, Norm and I had some issues which needed work, and my best friend and I had a falling out…rejoicing didn’t happen much that year, but focusing on the call to rejoice allowed me to focus on giving thanks.

2025 began with a struggle to get Norm through chemo therapy and then healing, and after his death it became a matter of just living day to day without him in my life. I’ve seen the faithfulness of God throughout Norm’s cancer fight and my widowhood. Not anything we would have chosen, but God never promised a freedom from suffering, He promises to walk through it with us, bringing the encouragement we need to live each day. And with His presence, in the midst of all of this, God has given me moments of joy that cannot be explained.

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains
From where shall my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
Who made heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel
Will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The sun will not smite you by day,
Nor the moon by night.
The Lord will protect you from all evil;
He will keep your soul.
The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in
From this time forth and forever.

Psalm 121:1–8

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the reminder each Christmas of the coming of Jesus Christ, who came because God loved us and wants us to live in harmony with Him and with one another.

I pray for wisdom and courage to speak and act in order to bless the people around me.

I rejoice in the God of my salvation who always gives me hope.

Where’s the joy? It is found only in God who is my helper, my protector, and the keeper of my soul.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

October 31

This time last year, we were in the hospital waiting to hear what treatment plans they had for Norm…but that’s not what I’m going to talk about today.

Last Sunday my son got married to the love of his life. I’m thrilled with his choice, they accept one another and yet find a way to encourage each other to be the best they can be. So sweet.

The week leading up to the wedding I cried a lot, not because they were getting married, but because Norm would not be there. He approved of Mai from the moment he met her, seeing the good she did for Robert. He would have rejoiced with them, giving his blessing on their marriage.

I was concerned that I would just break into sobs at the wedding. Every time I listened to the dance I was to do with Rob, I wept big tears. I had a lot of people praying that I would keep it together. A few tears, yes, sobbing…that would draw attention away from the celebration.

Rehearsal and wedding day, the Lord allowed the joy of the celebration to overtake the sorrow of Norm not attending. He was acknowledged throughout the day…tears, not sobs. Rob and I danced, laughing because we really didn’t practice much. We enjoyed the time.

My daughters struggled with the father/daughter dance, Aimee remembering her wedding day dance with Norm, Jennifer in sorrow that she would never have the chance to dance with him at her wedding.

Norm would have enjoyed it all. He would have laughed and told stories of Rob as a child, as only he could tell them. He would have danced with Aimee and Jennifer. He would have danced with Sierra and Sawyer with joyful abandon.

I’m sure he watched from heaven, loving the joy of the day.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that Robert found Mai, the love of his life.

I pray for them, that they will enjoy one another through the days to come, the good and the bad.

I rejoice that God continues to pave the way for me to walk this walk, going ahead of me to smooth away rough spots, and walking with me in the times when the rough spots remain.

Where’s the joy? Our love for one another continues in our children and grandchildren and we are able to rejoice in the celebrations of life. We are blessed with the choices our children have made in their partners.

This was the Psalm I read this morning. I need to remember that God has this, that He will continue to help me through…just like He did for the wedding.

Hear my cry, O God; Give heed to my prayer.

From the end of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

For You have been a refuge for me, a tower of strength against the enemy.

let me dwell in Your tent forever; Let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings.

For You have heard my vows, O God; You have given me the inheritance of those who fear Your name.

You will prolong the king’s life; His years will be as many generations.

He will abide before God forever; Appoint lovingkindness and truth that they may preserve him.

So I will sing praise to Your name forever, That I may pay my vows day by day.

Psalm 61

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

October 10

I’ve struggled this whole week with feeling overwhelmed. It reached a point of paralysis, where I didn’t have the mindset or the energy to do anything. I’ve got a lot on my plate, and I found myself unable to move forward.

This morning during my quiet time with the Lord, I wrote in my journal that I was edgy and not at peace. I needed hope. I read Psalm 70 in which David wrote, “I am afflicted and needy.”

The middle of the Psalm deals with David praying against the enemies that humiliated and shamed him. I thought, I don’t have enemies other than my own pride and procrastination, but those very things hold me back, causing shame when I think I’ve failed, and keep me from moving forward.

But the rest of the Psalm, the request for help from God, knowing that God is my help and my deliverer, ended with the plea, “Do not delay.”

I listened to a book last week, “The Power of Writing It Down” by Allison Fallon. So I decided to write down what had me stressed. I found that by writing it out, it wasn’t quite as overwhelming as I had thought. While it’s a lot, it’s manageable.

So once again, the Lord gave me what I needed before I knew the need.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that God remains faithful to me and always provides what I need.

I pray for a heart to glorify God in all that I say and do.

I rejoice that He is my salvation, my fortress and my deliverer.

Where’s the joy? It’s in knowing that God is always there, even when I’m stressed and feeling sorry for myself.

O God, hasten to deliver me; O Lord, hasten to my help.

Let those be ashamed and humiliated who seek my life; Let those be turned back and dishonored who delight in my hurt.

Let those be turned back because of their shame, who say “Aha, aha!”

Let all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You; And let those who love Your salvation say continually, “Let God be magnified.”

But I am afflicted and needy; hasten to me O God!

You are my help and my deliverer; O Lord, do not delay.

Psalm 70

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

September 21

This time last year, Norm was itching and in pain, hardly sleeping. It took until late October to get a diagnosis, but in the meantime, we tried to figure out what was going on. Nothing we tried worked and each test meant a ten day wait for a result, which led to another test, then another, and another…it seemed endless.

Now, I’m trying to move on, not sit in the house with the curtains closed, watching endless TV and crying.

I went square dancing in Knoxville on Market Square. Norm and I went with my sister for the last few years. It’s always fun, and one doesn’t need a partner because there are a number of singles who just like to dance. Part of the evening are two waltzes. Norm would dance with me because I love to dance. He struggled with anything that involved rhythm…in second grade his teacher took away his rhythm sticks and it caused him to be hesitant to dance or even clap to music. But, he would dance with me.

They ended the night with The Tennessee Waltz, and as I watched the dancers, I cried. Norm and I went to Mighty Musical Mondays at the Tennessee Theater and the mighty Wurlitzer organ, Dave, the organist, always closed the show with the Tennessee Waltz. Norm was amazed that I knew the words and would sing along. When we danced on the square, I would sing it. But this time, the words, “my friend stole my sweetheart from me” hit home. It wasn’t a friend, but it was in the Lord’s plan to take Norm home to walk in the garden with Him.

This morning I considered staying home but went to church anyway. The first song we sang in worship was in 3/4 time, a waltz. The Lord reached out to let me know that He has me covered. He will walk with me through this time of adjustment and be with me until He takes me home to walk in the garden with Him alongside Norm.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for God’s faithfulness to remind me that He knows all that I’m going through and He has a plan.

I pray for the wisdom to walk each day, noticing the people around me who may need encouragement just to make it through the day.

I rejoice that God not only has His eye on me, He rejoices over me with singing.

Where’s the joy? It’s all around, I just need to open my eyes to see it.

The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the hearts of the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and freedom to prisoners; to proclaim the favorable year of the Lord and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn, to grant to those who mourn in Zion, giving them a garland instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of the spirit of fainting. So they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. Isaiah 61:1-3.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

August 23

This week I went to the Immersive Van Gogh exhibit. Norm would have loved it. I took my nephew because I didn’t want to go alone. If it comes to your area, it is well worth the time and money.

I didn’t realize how prolific Van Gogh was. At one point I stared at the pictures and noticed that four of the sunflower pictures were the same, just using different intensities and hues. Then I noticed more where he used the same subject, but his choices of color and light intensities added interest.

Norm used to do that with his photography. He would choose a scene or a subject and photograph it from every possible angle. As he post processed them, he would choose varying saturations of light and color and produced amazing results. His desire in photography was to allow others to see and appreciate God’s creation.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the years I had with Norm and his joy in life, always so excited over his photos.

I pray for wisdom as I make choices moving forward without Norm.

I rejoice in God who has made all things.

Where’s the joy? It comes in who God is and the love He has shown.

Shout joyfully to the Lord, all the earth.
Serve the Lord with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful singing.
Know that the Lord Himself is God;
It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves;
We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise.
Give thanks to Him, bless His name.
For the Lord is good;
His lovingkindness is everlasting
And His faithfulness to all generations.

Psalm 100:1-5

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

August 15

Widowhood, it’s a lonely existence.

Sure I have family and friends around, but they have their own lives to live and those lives don’t revolve around me. I come home to an empty house where the silence can be deafening. No sound of Norm’s laughter. No one to share what happened during the day. I can see why people sometimes get married pretty quickly. When one is used to another body in the house for 45 years, it’s an adjustment.

I lived alone for a year before marrying Norm. Then I had a job, I had friends, we went out at night. I came home to peace and quiet where I could reboot. But after 45 years of day after day having someone around, it’s not easy going back to a single existence.

I remember when Norm retired and he was home 24-7-365…that was an adjustment. When someone else is in the house, I had to consider him in my plans, keep him posted, invite him along…but then he got his own things going. He would go for a day to take pictures, or he would go camping. And I enjoyed those days of freedom because they were short, and he would be back soon.

But now, he won’t be home in hours or days. This is an open ended solo existence and I’m trying to figure out how to do this.

At first there were a lot of things that needed to be done that took my time and energy. Friends and family stayed close and connected. But now the big things are done and friends and family have returned to their own lives…not to say they don’t check on me and spend time with me, they do…but it’s not as much as at first and that is as it should be.

I realize I’m not alone. I have friends and family who love me and care for me. I know that God is with me even in my deepest sorrow.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for my family and friends, this would be even more lonely without them.

I pray for grace to walk this walk with hope in my heart and an eye for others who may be lonely.

I rejoice in the faithfulness of God, who has provided for me in ways I never expected.

Where’s the joy? Every day God provides for my needs, spiritual, physical and emotional.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

July 26

Just as it’s the little things that can bring on tears, also the little things can bring joy.

While driving the other day, an eagle swooped down in front of me and flew off to the side carrying a rabbit. Norm would have pulled over immediately and tried for a nice shot, I just enjoyed the moment.

I saw a rainbow today, vibrant in the clarity of all its colors. I took a moment to wonder at the sight.

At this point last year, we started to notice that something was not right…thinking allergy. Since then it has been quite the emotional roller coaster, good days, bad days, hope, despair.

All I can rely on is the faithfulness of God, that He will keep His promises and that all He says in His word is truth.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the moments of wonder and joy as God’s creation reveals itself as I walk.

I pray that I will look for those moments, and for the ability to see them even in the midst of my sorrow.

I rejoice in the God of all creation, who has created all nature with all its beauty.

Where’s the joy? It’s in the little things that come my way.

O Lord, our Lord, How majestic is Your name in all the earth,
Who have displayed Your splendor above the heavens!
From the mouth of infants and nursing babes You have established strength
Because of Your adversaries,
To make the enemy and the revengeful cease.
When I consider Your heavens, the work of Your fingers,
The moon and the stars, which You have ordained;
What is man that You take thought of him,
And the son of man that You care for him?
Yet You have made him a little lower than God,
And You crown him with glory and majesty!
You make him to rule over the works of Your hands;
You have put all things under his feet,
All sheep and oxen,
And also the beasts of the field,
The birds of the heavens and the fish of the sea,
Whatever passes through the paths of the seas.
O Lord, our Lord,
How majestic is Your name in all the earth!

Psalm 8:1-9

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

June 8

It’s the little things that get ya.

I dreamed about Norm last night. We were enjoying talking while sitting under a lilac tree and then I was in an office having to tell them my emergency contact…not Norm…rude awakening.

All day it was the little things: Walking in the shower and not having to change the shower head. Going to the living room and not seeing Norm sitting at the computer. The conversations, the holding hands, sharing the mundane things of life…

It seems I’m moving forward and a little thing will reach out and slam me to the ground, sobbing uncontrollably.

I don’t like being a widow. It’s painful. It’s messy. It’s unpredictable.

Norm’s college friends are planting a tree in memory of Norm. Next weekend the kids and I will be spreading Norm’s ashes along the Blue Ridge Parkway…one of his favorite photo places. More tears expected.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the memories. I’ve probably put that down a lot of times, but memories are important, they remind me of the good times we had, even on days when we did nothing special.

I pray for the upcoming week of celebrating Norm, not really sure how or what to pray, but the Lord is faithful and He will give us what we need.

I rejoice that God is faithful to answer prayers, even those we don’t know we need. He arranged it so I can be at the planting of the tree.

Where’s the joy? I can rest in the fact that God is taking care of the details and providing joyful moments even in the sorrow.

Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth! 

Serve the Lord with gladness! Come into his presence with singing! 

Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. 

Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name! 

For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations. 

Psalm 100:1–5.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

April 19

Last night I went to our Good Friday Service.I thought about the Tennebrae Service that we used to do at Grace Chapel in Clifton Park. The word tennebrae means shadows, and we would go through the last actions of Christ before his crucifixion and with each shadow, the sanctuary would get darker until there was no light. We would leave in total darkness and silence.

For our service several people would speak about each shadow. One year our pastor met me at the door and said that one of the speakers was ill and would I fill in. So I read the Scripture passage, prayed and wrote a speech. Norm talked about it years later…just because of my opening line. “Death, the final frontier.”


Matthew 26:36–42 The Garden of Gethsemane

Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to His disciples, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.”
And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be grieved and distressed.
Then He said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with Me.”
And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.”
And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “So, you men could not keep watch with Me for one hour?
“Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
He went away again a second time and prayed, saying, “My Father, if this cannot pass away unless I drink it, Your will be done.”

As I’ve gone through this time with Norm, first with his cancer and then dealing with his death, my talk a number of years ago hit on what I’m going to share now. Norm spoke to me about how he never understood about cancer. He did not realize how very painful it was, and that going through chemo, there are days one can’t rise up to do…and unless one goes through the experience, one doesn’t know.

That’s why it is important to have the support and encouragement of those who have been there. We can pray, we can sympathize, but we don’t really know unless we experience it.

I’m going through it now as a widow, my friends who have walked this road are a great encouragement…they know. I do appreciate the prayers and support of those who have not walked this road, and I would not wish this on anyone, but there’s a different compassion from those who have walked it before.

When Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane and felt so weighted down by his coming crucifixion and death, he had never experienced death. He knew about death. He knew what came after death. He saw the effects of death. But he had never personally experienced death. He didn’t want to, we see that in his prayer, “If there is any other way, don’t make me go through this.”

His time on the cross did not just involve death. He took on the sins of every person who has ever lived. He took on our sins, past, present and future. He became sin for us, and took on the penalty of God’s wrath, so that we could become the righteousness of God. He, a man without sin, paid the penalty of death so that we could live eternally with God.

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21

As he took on all of our sins, he had another experience he knew about, but had never experienced. For the first time in all eternity that came before, he felt the absence of God’s presence. He cried, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Mt 27:46)

On the cross, Jesus experienced the weight of sin, the wrath of God, the absence of God, and death. Why would he do that?

In this is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 1 John 4:10

Norm explained the salvation provided by Jesus on the cross in this way. Think of an excel spreadsheet where all your good words and actions are assets and your wrong words and actions are debits.

When we all face God in heaven, we will be asked to give an accounting of our words and actions. Some think that if our good outweigh the bad, then we will enter into heaven…but that’s because we don’t understand a holy God. Sin cannot be in the presence of God, and all of us have fallen short of the perfection required to get into heaven.

But God sent his son, Jesus, who lived a life without sin. He lived a perfect life, loving others and loving God with all his heart, soul and mind. When he died on the cross, he took on himself all of our imperfections, and paid the penalty of God’s wrath and death for all of us.

When we come to realize that in our own power we are not good enough to earn heaven…since perfection is required…and none of us are perfect, then if we realize that Jesus paid that penalty, his excel spreadsheet of perfection can be copied and pasted on our spreadsheet, so that when we stand before the Lord, it is Jesus’ life of perfection that is revealed to our credit. Our words and actions, both good and bad are replaced by those of Jesus. His righteousness is credited to us and we can live forever with him.

Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.
Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Philippians 2:5-11

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that Jesus came to earth as a man and took my sins on the cross, so that I can walk with him for eternity.

I pray for wisdom and courage each day to walk in the way that Jesus walked, loving God and loving others.

I rejoice that God loved us enough to send Jesus to us.

Where’s the joy? It’s in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. For without the words and actions of Jesus, we would have no hope.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk.

April 15

It’s been a tough day. I saw this picture and thought “I will not see this smile again”…at least not until I get to heaven. On the worst of my days, Norm could always make me laugh.

Sometimes I can push through, other times I am overwhelmed with sorrow. I know it is to be expected, it doesn’t make the pain any less. When you love someone, it hurts when they are gone.

I miss his presence, his laughter, his wisdom…the house is very quiet without him. I can turn on the TV or music…just not the same.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the great memories that I have of Norm. We loved each other, raised wonderful kids, and had some great adventures.

I pray for grace for myself, and that I will extend grace to others.

I rejoice that God is faithful. He has a plan. I can trust Him to do what is best, and to walk me through the path He has laid out before me.

Where’s the joy? Great memories.

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