Posts Tagged With: jesus

Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 3, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 1

Today–emotional overload. I’ve reached my limit.

They did the preliminaries to take Norm off the ventilator, which means they reduce the sedation, giving him an opportunity to breathe on his own and making him aware of his surroundings.

He writhed against the restraints. His eyes bulged in fear as he looked at me, begging for me to help, no words, but in feeble sounds. That episode is seared onto my brain.

I stood helplessly as his O2 level dropped to far and it seemed he would go into cardiac arrest. They sedated him again to try later.

I can’t do this again. I cried because of his pain and fear. I cried because I am not strong enough to stay with him through this trial.

They kept him quiet the rest of the day and will try again tomorrow.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that the nurses and doctors know how far to push before calling it quits, allowing his body to rest for another try.

I pray for strength to be with Norm, in prayer if not physically present.

I rejoice that there is still hope.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul; He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 1, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 28

Today was to be Norm’s last chemo treatment, but here we are in the ICU, intubated. Disappointing that we were so close. He seems to get better then crashes. Do close and yet so far.

He has a breathing tube, a feeding tube and all kinds of IVs with antibiotics and antifungals as well as an artery monitor to keep closer tabs on BP and oxygen levels. His neck is swollen and he continues to sleep, I’m hoping he has pleasant dreams. His oxygen levels continue to fluctuate.

This is painful to watch. I’ve played his music all day, hoping to give him some encouragement in music. I talk to him, just in case he can hear me and knows he is loved.

They did another bronchial analysis, hoping for answers. I don’t know what they might find that they haven’t before.

The way I see it, the only way he is pulling through is if the Lord reaches down another time and heals his body. Of real concern, his lungs, we don’t know how much they have been damaged, if at all.

If he lives through this, will he be able to hike again? Will he be willing to go to scenic overlooks and be in a wheelchair to get some photographs? Will he be able to continue with woodworking, and finish Sawyer’s bed? Will he be able to continue with his chemotherapy and be fully healed head to toe?

I’m still just walking each day, one step in front of the other, doing what needs to be done and trying to get the rest I need so I can continue each day.

I don’t know what each day will bring, but God does. I know He wants God’s best for Norm.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the staff that is taking such good care of Norm with a good attitude.

I pray for the Lord to do what is best for Norm, a miracle healing is my preference, BUT only God knows what is truly best.

I rejoice that…to be honest, I’m not rejoicing. BUT I know that God remains faithful and He is at work in Norm’s life and in mine.

Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen. 1 Timothy 1:17

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 28, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 27

When I left Norm at the hospital last night he was joking with the nurses and doctors. He still had some trouble breathing, but seemed to be on the mend.

A phone call this am had Rob and I trying to get to the hospital quickly. Tons of equipment sat outside his room. I entered the room, my eyes on Norm, restrained and struggling with the tube down his throat.

He opened his eyes, will and frightened. I tried to reassure him. Tears ran down his cheeks. I told him I loved him, and I would be with him. They gave him more sedative and he slept.

ICU again…this one is more pleasant for the family. More room, a comfortable couch where I will sleep.

I will say this about the staff at University of Tennessee Medical Center, they have been awesome. This is our fifth crew of this hospital visit and they have all given Norm excellent tender care.

I’ve been telling the nurses about his hiking and photography adventures, since he cannot share. It’s hard to watch him be like this.

Still no answers. More tests to come. He’s resting comfortably, probably the best sleep he’s had in six months.

Where’s the joy? Actually, lots of tears today.

I am thankful for the considerate, tender care of the staff at UT.

I pray that the Lord intervenes and heals Norm completely, another eleventh hour miracle would be great.

I rejoice that the Lord God of the universe has a plan for Norm. I will trust Him.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I lift up my hands. Psalm 63:1-4

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 27, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 26

Here we go again!

Today, Norm’s oxygen numbers dropped very low and they had a hard time getting him to stabilize. So another early trip to the hospital, afraid of what I would find.

But what started off really terrible, it ended up being the best day he’s had in weeks. They addressed those things that caused him stress. The music therapy lady came to visit. A good friend of his came to visit. He ate better than he has in days.

When I left, he was happy, joking and making the best of still being in the hospital.

I realized something today. I’ve been pushing through each day, doing what needed to be done…step after step. It is the prayers and support of the people in my life who have kept me going…doing for me what I cannot do for myself as I focus on Norm and his health. I am truly blessed.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the prayers and emotional support of those around me.

I pray for the ability to be a blessing to those with whom I come in contact throughout this struggle.

I rejoice that God has placed people in my life who are supporting me and lifting Norm and I continually in prayer.

Where’s the joy? Friends and family walking alongside. How sad it would be to walk this road alone.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!

Again if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?

And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him–a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 27, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 25

I came today expecting an easy day. The pain meds worked yesterday…

On the 23rd they moved Norm out of ICU to the PCU…one step away from ICU, still a lot of monitoring, but not as intensive as the ICU. Here I have a somewhat comfortable chair, at least it reclines. There’s a little more space for personal items.

The move was a bit of an adjustment, but Norm got comfortable as he could. Improved, but a long way to go.

Yesterday, I got a text from Norm at 4:30 with three crying emojis. I hurried to get ready and went to the hospital. I found him in a lot of pain and very fearful. He kept saying he wanted the Lord to go ahead and take him so he could walk in the garden with God…his means of trying to cope with the pain he was experiencing.

The nurse asked if I had considered end of life comfort care…and yes with all the ups and downs that is something that comes to mind. But at this point, all the evidence says that all the treatments are working…so at this time, no, hospice not an option.

A new hospitalist (new floor) came in and made some comment that set Norm off. He thought this doctor had not read beyond the prior 12 hours and had no idea of his history.

So, for the rest of the day we had all kinds of doctors coming in. The most effective was Dr Jackson with palliative care…my sister emphasizes, not the end of life palliative care. She realized that what he needed was pain management to give his lungs time to heal.

They did some pain management and the rest of the day was great.

Back to today, I had plans for lunch with friends, a much needed break…but the pain management did not go far enough and Norm had severe pain that was not being addressed. He lashed out at everyone and I tried to comfort him…hard to do when someone is in intense pain.

So a readjustment and Norm settled down. He apologized to all he had yelled at. The ones who have been there awhile understood pain anger, but the poor new nurse…it kind of shook her, but she gained some experience and insight as she watched the older nurses handle Norm with kindness and firmness.

Another roller coaster day…I’m feeling stretched to the limit.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that the people are caring for Norm and giving him a good chance to recover.

I pray for the support staff who work in the background making sure the nurses and doctors have the freedom to work with the patients in a clean and safe environment.

I rejoice that God remains faithful.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all time, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:5-8

Where’s the joy? It’s in the faithful people helping others to get better when they are critically ill.

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 19, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 15

What a roller coaster!

I came this morning, all set to take Norm home. They can’t find the problem, he’s upset being in the hospital, he just wanted to go home.

Hospitalist said the bronchial biopsy revealed a fungus-unknown whether mold or yeast. Cultures would tell.

Norm’s BP dropped overnight. The doctors thought he might be in septic shock. If his BP didn’t go up, a trip to ICU for several days.

Norm is understandably frustrated. His anguish is apparent in his tears and wails. I promised him I would take him home Monday if they had not found anything. I said in the afternoon, he said 9 am.

Psych came to talk to him. They picked the right doctor, one who also had an engineering degree, fit very well with Norm’s mind. He summed up Norm’s issues. It helped Norm to speak of some of his fears. One big one, he doesn’t want me to have to deal with him as an invalid, like his grandmother who abused him.

Someone came from physical therapy and gave him a list of exercises to do. He’s in a better frame of mind. He feels that the staff is listening to him.

His brother and sister are coming in this week, they will also help with the attitude. It will be good for them to see him and show him support and love.

Right now I’m taking a breather from the emotional roller coaster ride, just some gentle hills before the climb and drop. No immediate threat of death, and his self-diagnosis of being an invalid debunked by physical therapy. He’s still strong, just no endurance.

I have renewed hope.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that two specialists were able to encourage Norm today.

I pray for wisdom for the doctors as they make decisions about Norm’s treatment moving forward.

I rejoice in these moments of reprieve when I can get a little rest.

Where’s the joy? Family and friends who support and encourage me.

Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 12, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 11

It has been a roller coaster kind of week. We waver between Norm behaving as if he will die in a few days, to great reports about what is happening with him.

He continues to have a fever with unknown origin…I guess not uncommon with chemo patients. They’ve ruled out a lot of things. Norm is not presenting symptoms to identify with any one thing. No headaches, no nausea, he just has overall body aches and weakness, along with the fever. But each day, the fever stays lower longer and doesn’t spike as high.

They’ve done multiple tests and scans. What we know, the cancer has not returned. The scans show that the chemo is wiping out the cancer. There is no longer any sign of it in the brain. We Thank God for that.

Norm is tired of fighting. He says that he is broken mentally, physically, and spiritually. This morning, before we got news from the doctors, he wanted to go home and die. He mourns the death of the man he was.

He always wants to know, so he can act. It’s been almost a week in the hospital, and still no answers. Well, a lot of answers as to what it is not, just not what it is.

He wants to come home, but he needs to be where he can get treated to get stronger. He is getting stronger. But he is frustrated.

As I said at the beginning of this post, we are on a roller coaster. He’s up, he’s down…we’re thrown for another loop…and never coming to rest.

Where’s the joy? Another tough day of uncertainty sprinkled with hope.

I am thankful for my family. My kids spent the day with Norm so I could have some regrouping time.

I pray for Norm, that he will regain physical stamina, spiritual wisdom, and emotional stability.

I rejoice that God continues to hold Norm in his hand, regardless of the difficulty and lack of knowledge.

Where’s the joy? God remains faithful, even when I do not.

Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in Him.”

The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:19-26

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 12, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 9

The last two days have been awful. Saturday night, Jenn and I returned to the house to get some rest before returning to the hospital the next morning. I got a text from Norm complaining about the staff, said he was refusing to do what they asked until he talked to a doctor. He thought his symptoms required a visit to ICU and how could these so called professionals not see it.

His mind is under attack by an unknown illness. He has no control over the anger, and when he gets an idea in his head, he will not be dissuaded. The last week he’s been yelling at me, but now he was yelling at the nurses.

I know and the nurses know that this is the disease speaking. One of the nurses commented on his prior behavior on the floor, they knew this was not the way my husband would react. The nurses are used to dealing with cancer patients who are in life changing situations. Sometimes the cancer does a number on the brain, sometimes the treatment can cause the emotional shifts, sometimes an infection will invade an already compromised body and wreak havoc.

Jenn, who has a way with talking to upset people, calmed him down. She helped restore him to some rationality, but he was still angry, even though he felt as if someone heard.

This has been tough on Norm. There is fear of losing control. Norm never used drugs or drank alcohol because he wanted his mind and emotions in tact, he did not want to lose control. Yet, here he is…hearing himself be hateful, but unable to stop.

Nine months ago he was hiking 10-12 miles per hike. When this started, there was a fear he would never hike again.

Out west, he enjoyed driving us in an OHV all over the San Juan Mountains. It was scary at times and required skill and full awareness.

In August we spent a week watching the grands, going to the park, playing, enjoying one another’s company. They love playing with their Poppop, who throws himself totally into their games. Due to the illness, we have not seen them since, except on FaceTime.

Norm loves to do woodworking, his Covid hobby. He is in the process of building a bed for his grandson Sawyer. Partially finished, it sits in the garage.

He had plans to go to Yellowstone for two weeks to look for wolves to photograph. We had plans to go to the Northeast and revisit some of our favorite places when the leaves were in their autumn peak. We had plans to take the Viking River Cruise from Amsterdam to Budapest in the spring.

We’ve made some plans to celebrate his survival. A Disney cruise in April, a trip to Yellowstone with some family and friends in the fall, and another trip to visit the cathedrals in France. All on hold at the moment, but not cancelled.

Wherever we go, and on Norm’s hiking trips, he takes award winning photographs…he took second place in the National Parks photo contest. He has been to all the National Parks in the continental US, as well as some in Alaska and all in Hawaii. He had planned a trip to Alaska in 2025 to get the remaining parks there…not happening this year. If he recovers, maybe next year.

His favorite things, family…especially the grands Sierra and Sawyer, debating with his friends, hiking, photography, word working, and having deep thoughts…all are suffering because of the cancer and now diminished because of whatever is happening in his brain.

One day while I held his hand, he had a thought. All that made his life worthwhile had been stripped away except love. God loves him. I love him. His family loves him. His friends love him. People he has never met show their love by praying for his healing.

He decided at that time, love was enough.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that Norm knows he is loved. He’s a little fuzzy on that, but he sees his family staying by his side and knows that people are praying.

I pray for those living without the knowledge of love, especially the love that God has for them. God loves each one so much that he sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross in payment of their sin so that they could come to know God as a loving Father.

I rejoice that we continue to hope in spite of the circumstances.

Where’s the joy? The joy is in the assurance of God’s love in our lives. No matter what we have done, He loves us. No matter how far we run away from him, He loves us. No matter what we see happening around us, God loves us with a love that is deeper and purer than anyone on earth can give.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. John 3:16-18

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 8, 2025 by tricialathrop

So yesterday, Norm began the day walking with a cane, by noon he needed a walker…and that was unsteady. At 3, he began to run a 103 degree fever. I had to have help getting him into a wheelchair to get him to the hospital. Thank you Mike.

With the emergency department completely full and Norm immune compromised, we were able to get him into a processing room. They did a lot of tests and took some blood cultures to figure out what is going on.

Most troubling is the attitude change, back to the anger…not only at me but at all the nurses trying to take care of him. I was so happy when the chemo seemed to be working to have my husband back, with a great sense of humor…this man with this sickness…he’s just angry.

Now, we are in the cancer ward. While we don’t know the cause of the fever, all the contagious possibilities have been ruled out. No covid, no RSV, no flu.

Still angry. I can’t imagine the thoughts going through his mind. He has to be confused, everything was going well and now he cannot take care of himself. He can’t even sit up by himself, let alone walk.

I try to give him the grace he needs in order for him to vent his frustration, but there comes a point where I need to step away and regroup.

I have to ask myself, how would I behave in a similar situation? I’m not sure. The anger seems to be related to the cancer…so he can’t help that.

I know of a woman who could not live with her husband because he threatened her life, he could live with his son, but she was in danger. I can’t imagine.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful we live near a leading edge health care facility, UT staff have been great.

I pray that the Lord will continue to give me grace to extend to Norm as he fights this awful disease.

I rejoice that we have been able to get Norm in to someone who can give him the help he needs.

Where’s the joy? Though the road is hard and has a lot of bumps, God continues to provide for all our needs.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice.

Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of god, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 4:4-8

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 6, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 5

Our visit to the oncologist did not go as expected. In the last seven days I’ve watched my husband’s progress in this journey fade away. His appetite, his strength, his freedom from pain, his forward thinking all gone.

Our plans for a cruise in April and Yellowstone with friends in September, all on hold while we wait to see what the new scans tell us about his condition. How does one hope for a brighter future yet prepare for the worst case scenario?

We will wait for the results, an uncertain future. We are moved to the front of the line as far as getting scans, they will be done within the week. Meanwhile, the scheduled chemo treatments will continue.

Again, not the path we would have chosen. We have seen time after time when the Lord intervened in the eleventh hour, preserving his life. I cry. I pray. I do what I can to make him comfortable while we wait for answers.

Where’s the joy? Tough question today.

I am thankful for every day I have with Norm. We have had some great times.

I pray for Norm’s healing, God can intervene again. But if God chooses to take Norm home to be with Him, then I pray for strength to continue and be the support Norm will need.

I rejoice that whatever comes our way, we are loved by the Lord God Almighty.

Where’s the joy? If the cancer has returned, God gave me a few extra months with the man I love.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.

By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him.

In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. John 4:7-11

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