Posts Tagged With: god

Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on March 15, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 14

I went through some of Norm’s items. I’m finally unpacking what I brought home from the hospital. It reminded me of what a roller coaster the last five weeks have been. It not only held items for his hospital stay, but also clothes for him to wear when he came home.

Sometimes, it’s as if he’s just away on one of his camping trips, at any minute he could walk through the door…but then, the reality of his being gone hits. Lunch with a friend and a few card games with my nephew provided some distraction, but the reality is always with me.

The memories are all good. I know there were times Norm frustrated me, but what I wouldn’t give to have him back, even on the most frustrating of days.

I’m preparing for his Celebration of his life. I love looking at it that way instead of as a memorial or funeral. He blessed a lot of people. His photos took people to places they could not go on their own. His storytelling never failed to entertain. He could talk to anyone about pretty much anything, his knowledge covered a number of topics.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the extra four months with Norm that the Lord gave to me through the effort of several doctors.

I pray for wisdom and courage as I walk this path.

I rejoice that God gives us memories to enjoy and to share with others.

Where’s the joy? It’s in sharing the stories, not only of Norm, but of what God has done.

Because Your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise You. So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name.

My soul is satisfied as with marrow and fatness, and my mouth offers praises with joyful lips.

When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches, for You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I sing for joy.

My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.

Psalm 63:3-8

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 7, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 6

My husband’s prayer: “Lord, please release my spirit so that I can walk with You in Your garden.” Today, Norm’s prayer was answered. He walks with the Lord in His heavenly garden.

My heart aches for my children and me. I came home to a house full of memories of Norm. He walks the earth no longer.

Where’s the joy?

I give thanks that Norm is no longer struggling with pain.

I pray for comfort for my family as we deal with the grief of losing Norm. I also pray for wisdom and strength as I walk the road ahead.

I rejoice that Norm is with the Lord.

Where’s the joy? I have hope that I will see Norm again.

This is my final Where’s the Joy?. I had hoped for a different ending, one where Norm is healed of his cancer and we continue our wonderful adventures. God chose a new path for me, without my best friend, most avid encourager, and wise counsellor.

So I will start a new series, Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk.

For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are the sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!”

The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God, fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God.

For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God.

For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves having the first fruits of the Spirit, even ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body.

For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees?

But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

And not only this, but also we ourselves having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of the body.

For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees.

But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

Romans 8:14-25

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 5, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 5

I spent the night at the hospital. He would not have wanted this. He has no control over his own decisions, suffering the ministrations of nurses to his personal hygiene, however caring, still an indignity to a modest man. The nurse said they might try up to 14 days…that is too long.

He just stares off into space, barely even making eye contact anymore.

Lord, you know what’s best for Norm. I don’t understand why God is allowing this.

Interrupted by the breathing trial. He passed, barely, but passed. The tube is out.

I should be excited, BUT is this a spin around the gently rising and falling part of the roller coaster ride to its conclusion, or another climb to a big drop. I just don’t know.

Still no answer as to the cause of all this. Even the samples they sent to the big research facility came back with no conclusions. There is still inflammation in the lungs, so they are trying a new round of steroids, along with the antibiotics and anti fungals. Hopefully something will work and he will be able to move forward.

Norm is wanting to eat, a big improvement. He’s on the heavy duty oxygen, just not with the tube. Hopefully it will be able to come down so he can go to the rehab, then home, then three more chemo treatments.

I’m tired and cautiously hopeful.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for a successful extubation.

I pray that Norm gains strength in body and spirit so that he can enjoy the life he desires to live.

I rejoice that God is in control.

Where’s the joy? Today, the news is good.

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness. He will not always strive with us, nor will He keep His anger forever.

He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.

As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our Fram; He is mindful that we are but dust.

As for man, his days are like grass; as a flower of the field, so he flourishes. When the wind has passed over it, it is no more, and its place acknowledges it no longer.

But the lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children’s children, to those who keep His covenant and remember His precepts to do them.

Psalm 103:8-18

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 3, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 1

Today–emotional overload. I’ve reached my limit.

They did the preliminaries to take Norm off the ventilator, which means they reduce the sedation, giving him an opportunity to breathe on his own and making him aware of his surroundings.

He writhed against the restraints. His eyes bulged in fear as he looked at me, begging for me to help, no words, but in feeble sounds. That episode is seared onto my brain.

I stood helplessly as his O2 level dropped to far and it seemed he would go into cardiac arrest. They sedated him again to try later.

I can’t do this again. I cried because of his pain and fear. I cried because I am not strong enough to stay with him through this trial.

They kept him quiet the rest of the day and will try again tomorrow.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that the nurses and doctors know how far to push before calling it quits, allowing his body to rest for another try.

I pray for strength to be with Norm, in prayer if not physically present.

I rejoice that there is still hope.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul; He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 1, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 28

Today was to be Norm’s last chemo treatment, but here we are in the ICU, intubated. Disappointing that we were so close. He seems to get better then crashes. Do close and yet so far.

He has a breathing tube, a feeding tube and all kinds of IVs with antibiotics and antifungals as well as an artery monitor to keep closer tabs on BP and oxygen levels. His neck is swollen and he continues to sleep, I’m hoping he has pleasant dreams. His oxygen levels continue to fluctuate.

This is painful to watch. I’ve played his music all day, hoping to give him some encouragement in music. I talk to him, just in case he can hear me and knows he is loved.

They did another bronchial analysis, hoping for answers. I don’t know what they might find that they haven’t before.

The way I see it, the only way he is pulling through is if the Lord reaches down another time and heals his body. Of real concern, his lungs, we don’t know how much they have been damaged, if at all.

If he lives through this, will he be able to hike again? Will he be willing to go to scenic overlooks and be in a wheelchair to get some photographs? Will he be able to continue with woodworking, and finish Sawyer’s bed? Will he be able to continue with his chemotherapy and be fully healed head to toe?

I’m still just walking each day, one step in front of the other, doing what needs to be done and trying to get the rest I need so I can continue each day.

I don’t know what each day will bring, but God does. I know He wants God’s best for Norm.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the staff that is taking such good care of Norm with a good attitude.

I pray for the Lord to do what is best for Norm, a miracle healing is my preference, BUT only God knows what is truly best.

I rejoice that…to be honest, I’m not rejoicing. BUT I know that God remains faithful and He is at work in Norm’s life and in mine.

Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen. 1 Timothy 1:17

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 28, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 27

When I left Norm at the hospital last night he was joking with the nurses and doctors. He still had some trouble breathing, but seemed to be on the mend.

A phone call this am had Rob and I trying to get to the hospital quickly. Tons of equipment sat outside his room. I entered the room, my eyes on Norm, restrained and struggling with the tube down his throat.

He opened his eyes, will and frightened. I tried to reassure him. Tears ran down his cheeks. I told him I loved him, and I would be with him. They gave him more sedative and he slept.

ICU again…this one is more pleasant for the family. More room, a comfortable couch where I will sleep.

I will say this about the staff at University of Tennessee Medical Center, they have been awesome. This is our fifth crew of this hospital visit and they have all given Norm excellent tender care.

I’ve been telling the nurses about his hiking and photography adventures, since he cannot share. It’s hard to watch him be like this.

Still no answers. More tests to come. He’s resting comfortably, probably the best sleep he’s had in six months.

Where’s the joy? Actually, lots of tears today.

I am thankful for the considerate, tender care of the staff at UT.

I pray that the Lord intervenes and heals Norm completely, another eleventh hour miracle would be great.

I rejoice that the Lord God of the universe has a plan for Norm. I will trust Him.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I lift up my hands. Psalm 63:1-4

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 27, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 26

Here we go again!

Today, Norm’s oxygen numbers dropped very low and they had a hard time getting him to stabilize. So another early trip to the hospital, afraid of what I would find.

But what started off really terrible, it ended up being the best day he’s had in weeks. They addressed those things that caused him stress. The music therapy lady came to visit. A good friend of his came to visit. He ate better than he has in days.

When I left, he was happy, joking and making the best of still being in the hospital.

I realized something today. I’ve been pushing through each day, doing what needed to be done…step after step. It is the prayers and support of the people in my life who have kept me going…doing for me what I cannot do for myself as I focus on Norm and his health. I am truly blessed.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the prayers and emotional support of those around me.

I pray for the ability to be a blessing to those with whom I come in contact throughout this struggle.

I rejoice that God has placed people in my life who are supporting me and lifting Norm and I continually in prayer.

Where’s the joy? Friends and family walking alongside. How sad it would be to walk this road alone.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!

Again if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?

And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him–a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 27, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 25

I came today expecting an easy day. The pain meds worked yesterday…

On the 23rd they moved Norm out of ICU to the PCU…one step away from ICU, still a lot of monitoring, but not as intensive as the ICU. Here I have a somewhat comfortable chair, at least it reclines. There’s a little more space for personal items.

The move was a bit of an adjustment, but Norm got comfortable as he could. Improved, but a long way to go.

Yesterday, I got a text from Norm at 4:30 with three crying emojis. I hurried to get ready and went to the hospital. I found him in a lot of pain and very fearful. He kept saying he wanted the Lord to go ahead and take him so he could walk in the garden with God…his means of trying to cope with the pain he was experiencing.

The nurse asked if I had considered end of life comfort care…and yes with all the ups and downs that is something that comes to mind. But at this point, all the evidence says that all the treatments are working…so at this time, no, hospice not an option.

A new hospitalist (new floor) came in and made some comment that set Norm off. He thought this doctor had not read beyond the prior 12 hours and had no idea of his history.

So, for the rest of the day we had all kinds of doctors coming in. The most effective was Dr Jackson with palliative care…my sister emphasizes, not the end of life palliative care. She realized that what he needed was pain management to give his lungs time to heal.

They did some pain management and the rest of the day was great.

Back to today, I had plans for lunch with friends, a much needed break…but the pain management did not go far enough and Norm had severe pain that was not being addressed. He lashed out at everyone and I tried to comfort him…hard to do when someone is in intense pain.

So a readjustment and Norm settled down. He apologized to all he had yelled at. The ones who have been there awhile understood pain anger, but the poor new nurse…it kind of shook her, but she gained some experience and insight as she watched the older nurses handle Norm with kindness and firmness.

Another roller coaster day…I’m feeling stretched to the limit.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that the people are caring for Norm and giving him a good chance to recover.

I pray for the support staff who work in the background making sure the nurses and doctors have the freedom to work with the patients in a clean and safe environment.

I rejoice that God remains faithful.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God. Trust in him at all time, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:5-8

Where’s the joy? It’s in the faithful people helping others to get better when they are critically ill.

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 23, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 21

I’m getting mixed messages. Oncologist and infectious disease doctors see improvement–ICU and Respiratory doctors see the need for oxygen increasing. I see him struggling to breath and constantly talking about him dying in the hospital.

He can’t leave ICU until his need for oxygen reduces. If he were to go on hospice, he can’t go home until there is a significant drop in the amount of oxygen he needs.

He seems more like his old self most of the day, but he still gets very angry and frustrated at all that is going on around him. He no longer asks to go home, he’s resigned to hospital life for now…doesn’t like it but is enduring it.

Everyone is flummoxed. He’s not responding in any expected way.

What is God going to do? Heal him and have him continue on earth with quite a testimony? Or take him to walk with Him in the heavenly garden.

Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. Habakkuk 3:17-18

I don’t know, yet I will trust in the Lord.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that Norm is getting great care.

I pray for his heart to be encouraged.

I rejoice that though I watch everything falling apart, I can take joy in the God of my salvation.

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 20, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 20

Before I begin what I wrote earlier this morning, I want you to know that things look better for Norm today. I’m going ahead to share this because I think that as a caregiver, we all reach a point of frustration where we feel that it may never get better.

When does one call it quits? Ten days ago I took Norm to the hospital with a 103 degree fever and a decreasing ability to walk. He was doing so well on chemo, it was a fast fall from doing well to being on his deathbed.

Yesterday, the doctors think they have found the cause and have a treatment…after 10 days of this is possibly it and treatments not working, I’m a bit skeptical. 10 days of hope, followed by that wasn’t it and hopes dashed. I’m weary of the roller coaster of emotions.

Norm’s pain has increased, it was a 6, now he’s saying it’s an 8. They are giving him pain meds every few hours and he is counting the minutes until he can get a new med.

When I left yesterday, I planned to speak to the nurses about the tube. Would it decrease his anxiety and agitation since he would be sedated to use the tube? Would it allow him to rest? Would it help with the pain while the new meds do their job on the fungal pneumonia?

But then, am I really thinking more about him or about me? I’m tired.

I’m tired of seeing him in such pain and not able to do anything for him.

I’m tired of him griping at me when I don’t have the food, drink or other item that he must have right now.

I’m tired of the daily drive to the hospital where I sit in an uncomfortable chair waiting for him to demand something from me.

I’m frustrated that I cannot do what I want to do.

Everyone says take care of yourself. But when someone you love is suffering and dying, one can’t take care of oneself…you just can’t.

What is best for Norm? His brother and sister said that after I left, they were able to have some good conversation and he seemed to improve. He definitely does better with others in the room.

Last night I got a text from Norm saying that the oxygen device fell off and he felt like he was suffocating. It was scary for him. The nurse was trying to get it back on, but he was agitated and she kept telling him to calm down, tough to do when you can’t breath.

At this point I have to trust the doctors and nurses to know when he needs to have the tube. They’ve dealt with people in need before, they know what to do and when it needs to happen.

If the new meds don’t work, then we revisit the giving of comfort care. I will take him home until he goes to his permanent home to walk with the God in the heavenly garden.

Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.

Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit.

For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.

For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah

I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah.

Therefore let everyone who is godly offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found; surely in the rush of great waters, they shall not reach him.

You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit and bridle, or it will not stay near you.

Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.

Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart! Psalm 32

Where’s the Joy?

I am thankful Norm is in a facility that gives him the best chance for not only survival, but also restoration to a good quality of life.

I pray for wisdom to make right choices, courage to face the uncertain future, strength to endure and hope that rests in the Lord God Almighty alone.

I rejoice that Norm knows the saving grace of Jesus Christ and that his future is secure in Christ.

Where’s the joy? My joy rests in the Lord.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:5-8

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