Posts Tagged With: christianity

Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on April 4, 2025 by tricialathrop

April 3

We are coming up on a month since Norm passed. The celebration of life is completed. Aimee left two precious joys with me for a few days. They are keeping me busy.

Last night, Sawyer awoke, crying for his mommy. At first I tried to soothe him, but then I just joined him in the tears. How will I do this?

I have a number of widow friends, encouraging me…by just telling me they are praying. They’ve walked this path, some of them a couple of times. The only path is through the grief, embracing the love that grief reveals, and loving those who are still walking this earthly road.

At one point during Norm’s cancer and treatment, he said, “Everything has been taken away from me…except love. I still have God’s love, the love of my wife and children, the love of family and friends. The love they have for me does not depend on what I can do for them. Right now, I can do nothing except be a burden and they still love me.”

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.
By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him.

In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.
Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us.
By this we know that we abide in Him and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit.

We have seen and testify that the Father has sent the Son to be the Savior of the world.
Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God.

We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.
By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love.
We love, because He first loved us.

If someone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen.
And this commandment we have from Him, that the one who loves God should love his brother also.

1 John 4:7–21

Where is the joy?

I am thankful for my family and friends who continue to encourage me in this walk.

I pray for the strength and wisdom to show love to others, not only by my words but by my actions.

I rejoice that God loved us and sent Jesus Christ to enable us to enter into God’s presence without fear.

Where is the joy? It is in the love of family and friends who are there in the good times and the bad.

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on March 21, 2025 by tricialathrop

I’m a widow. In just one day I changed my demographic, no longer married…a widow.

It’s not like I’m going to run around and tell people, “I’m a widow now”. I will comment about my husband, sharing stories of our life together. But for the rest of my life on those forms we fill out ad nauseam, I will have to mark “widow”.

For some reason this realization is hitting me hard. It’s weird. It identifies me as someone who was once married, but is no longer because of death. And I’m not sure how to deal with it.

The term, widow, draws up images of “Gone With the Wind” and the Scarlett dancing in her widow’s garb. In the English movies, the widow is either a scheming bitter woman who speaks poorly about everyone, or a senseless dowager who needs constant watching.

There are some widows in the Bible. Naomi, who called herself Mara, because of bitterness, but had the grace to find provision for her widowed daughter-in-law Ruth.

The widow of Naan, for whom Jesus raised her son to life. In those days children took care of their widowed mothers and if she didn’t have that protection, she could be reduced to begging. Jesus gave her not only her son, but her provision.

Anna dwelled in the temple for 70 years as a widow, and gave witness to Jesus Christ as the Messiah alongside Simeon.

Jesus praised the widow, who in her need, gave all she had to the Lord.

The only non-widow in the women mentioned in Jesus’ genealogy was Mary, his mother. But by the time Jesus began his ministry, she was a widow.

The prophets criticized the leaders of Israel for not taking care of the widows or orphans and not hearing their causes. Jesus commented that the leadership of his day “devoured” widows houses (Mark 12:40). James tells us that caring for widows and orphans in their affliction is a part of pure and undefiled religion.

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. James 1:27

In America today, most widows are not as reliant on their children as in the past. Most have Social Security or a pension, either from their own job or their husband’s. Of course, this does not apply to all widows, some do need to rely on their children or the state for their provision and care.

Now that I am a widow, I see that I didn’t see the needs of the widows, not that I ignored them or didn’t help…I just wasn’t aware of some needs.

1 Timothy 5 gives some guidelines for caring for widows. The first responsibility falls to the family, children and grandchildren. Then it falls to the church. Younger widows were encouraged to remarry.

There are cautions mentioned: don’t be idle, don’t go from house to house just being idle, don’t become gossips or busybodies talking about things not worth mentioning. (1 Timothy 5:13)

As a widow, I am to fix my hope on God and continue in entreaties and prayers. I am to be devoted good works, showing hospitality to strangers, assisting those in distress, serving the Lord in the church, teaching the young women…all the things I should have been doing all along…

Paul also has guidelines for the widows and the single women. As an unmarried woman now, I can focus more on the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit.

The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. 1 Corinthians 7:24

I am a widow, and in that role I have some responsibilities before the Lord. It should be interesting to see where this path takes me.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the people who have rallied around me during this time of grieving and readjustment.

I pray for wisdom and courage to walk in the path that the Lord has set before me.

I rejoice that God cares for those who are needy and somewhat helpless, so much so that he calls his people to care for the broken and hurting.

Where’s the joy? The Lord continues to have a purpose for my life and will reveal his plan as I seek His face.

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 3, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 1

Today–emotional overload. I’ve reached my limit.

They did the preliminaries to take Norm off the ventilator, which means they reduce the sedation, giving him an opportunity to breathe on his own and making him aware of his surroundings.

He writhed against the restraints. His eyes bulged in fear as he looked at me, begging for me to help, no words, but in feeble sounds. That episode is seared onto my brain.

I stood helplessly as his O2 level dropped to far and it seemed he would go into cardiac arrest. They sedated him again to try later.

I can’t do this again. I cried because of his pain and fear. I cried because I am not strong enough to stay with him through this trial.

They kept him quiet the rest of the day and will try again tomorrow.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that the nurses and doctors know how far to push before calling it quits, allowing his body to rest for another try.

I pray for strength to be with Norm, in prayer if not physically present.

I rejoice that there is still hope.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul; He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 28, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 27

When I left Norm at the hospital last night he was joking with the nurses and doctors. He still had some trouble breathing, but seemed to be on the mend.

A phone call this am had Rob and I trying to get to the hospital quickly. Tons of equipment sat outside his room. I entered the room, my eyes on Norm, restrained and struggling with the tube down his throat.

He opened his eyes, will and frightened. I tried to reassure him. Tears ran down his cheeks. I told him I loved him, and I would be with him. They gave him more sedative and he slept.

ICU again…this one is more pleasant for the family. More room, a comfortable couch where I will sleep.

I will say this about the staff at University of Tennessee Medical Center, they have been awesome. This is our fifth crew of this hospital visit and they have all given Norm excellent tender care.

I’ve been telling the nurses about his hiking and photography adventures, since he cannot share. It’s hard to watch him be like this.

Still no answers. More tests to come. He’s resting comfortably, probably the best sleep he’s had in six months.

Where’s the joy? Actually, lots of tears today.

I am thankful for the considerate, tender care of the staff at UT.

I pray that the Lord intervenes and heals Norm completely, another eleventh hour miracle would be great.

I rejoice that the Lord God of the universe has a plan for Norm. I will trust Him.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I lift up my hands. Psalm 63:1-4

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 19, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 15

What a roller coaster!

I came this morning, all set to take Norm home. They can’t find the problem, he’s upset being in the hospital, he just wanted to go home.

Hospitalist said the bronchial biopsy revealed a fungus-unknown whether mold or yeast. Cultures would tell.

Norm’s BP dropped overnight. The doctors thought he might be in septic shock. If his BP didn’t go up, a trip to ICU for several days.

Norm is understandably frustrated. His anguish is apparent in his tears and wails. I promised him I would take him home Monday if they had not found anything. I said in the afternoon, he said 9 am.

Psych came to talk to him. They picked the right doctor, one who also had an engineering degree, fit very well with Norm’s mind. He summed up Norm’s issues. It helped Norm to speak of some of his fears. One big one, he doesn’t want me to have to deal with him as an invalid, like his grandmother who abused him.

Someone came from physical therapy and gave him a list of exercises to do. He’s in a better frame of mind. He feels that the staff is listening to him.

His brother and sister are coming in this week, they will also help with the attitude. It will be good for them to see him and show him support and love.

Right now I’m taking a breather from the emotional roller coaster ride, just some gentle hills before the climb and drop. No immediate threat of death, and his self-diagnosis of being an invalid debunked by physical therapy. He’s still strong, just no endurance.

I have renewed hope.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that two specialists were able to encourage Norm today.

I pray for wisdom for the doctors as they make decisions about Norm’s treatment moving forward.

I rejoice in these moments of reprieve when I can get a little rest.

Where’s the joy? Family and friends who support and encourage me.

Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 12, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 11

It has been a roller coaster kind of week. We waver between Norm behaving as if he will die in a few days, to great reports about what is happening with him.

He continues to have a fever with unknown origin…I guess not uncommon with chemo patients. They’ve ruled out a lot of things. Norm is not presenting symptoms to identify with any one thing. No headaches, no nausea, he just has overall body aches and weakness, along with the fever. But each day, the fever stays lower longer and doesn’t spike as high.

They’ve done multiple tests and scans. What we know, the cancer has not returned. The scans show that the chemo is wiping out the cancer. There is no longer any sign of it in the brain. We Thank God for that.

Norm is tired of fighting. He says that he is broken mentally, physically, and spiritually. This morning, before we got news from the doctors, he wanted to go home and die. He mourns the death of the man he was.

He always wants to know, so he can act. It’s been almost a week in the hospital, and still no answers. Well, a lot of answers as to what it is not, just not what it is.

He wants to come home, but he needs to be where he can get treated to get stronger. He is getting stronger. But he is frustrated.

As I said at the beginning of this post, we are on a roller coaster. He’s up, he’s down…we’re thrown for another loop…and never coming to rest.

Where’s the joy? Another tough day of uncertainty sprinkled with hope.

I am thankful for my family. My kids spent the day with Norm so I could have some regrouping time.

I pray for Norm, that he will regain physical stamina, spiritual wisdom, and emotional stability.

I rejoice that God continues to hold Norm in his hand, regardless of the difficulty and lack of knowledge.

Where’s the joy? God remains faithful, even when I do not.

Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in Him.”

The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:19-26

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 12, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 9

The last two days have been awful. Saturday night, Jenn and I returned to the house to get some rest before returning to the hospital the next morning. I got a text from Norm complaining about the staff, said he was refusing to do what they asked until he talked to a doctor. He thought his symptoms required a visit to ICU and how could these so called professionals not see it.

His mind is under attack by an unknown illness. He has no control over the anger, and when he gets an idea in his head, he will not be dissuaded. The last week he’s been yelling at me, but now he was yelling at the nurses.

I know and the nurses know that this is the disease speaking. One of the nurses commented on his prior behavior on the floor, they knew this was not the way my husband would react. The nurses are used to dealing with cancer patients who are in life changing situations. Sometimes the cancer does a number on the brain, sometimes the treatment can cause the emotional shifts, sometimes an infection will invade an already compromised body and wreak havoc.

Jenn, who has a way with talking to upset people, calmed him down. She helped restore him to some rationality, but he was still angry, even though he felt as if someone heard.

This has been tough on Norm. There is fear of losing control. Norm never used drugs or drank alcohol because he wanted his mind and emotions in tact, he did not want to lose control. Yet, here he is…hearing himself be hateful, but unable to stop.

Nine months ago he was hiking 10-12 miles per hike. When this started, there was a fear he would never hike again.

Out west, he enjoyed driving us in an OHV all over the San Juan Mountains. It was scary at times and required skill and full awareness.

In August we spent a week watching the grands, going to the park, playing, enjoying one another’s company. They love playing with their Poppop, who throws himself totally into their games. Due to the illness, we have not seen them since, except on FaceTime.

Norm loves to do woodworking, his Covid hobby. He is in the process of building a bed for his grandson Sawyer. Partially finished, it sits in the garage.

He had plans to go to Yellowstone for two weeks to look for wolves to photograph. We had plans to go to the Northeast and revisit some of our favorite places when the leaves were in their autumn peak. We had plans to take the Viking River Cruise from Amsterdam to Budapest in the spring.

We’ve made some plans to celebrate his survival. A Disney cruise in April, a trip to Yellowstone with some family and friends in the fall, and another trip to visit the cathedrals in France. All on hold at the moment, but not cancelled.

Wherever we go, and on Norm’s hiking trips, he takes award winning photographs…he took second place in the National Parks photo contest. He has been to all the National Parks in the continental US, as well as some in Alaska and all in Hawaii. He had planned a trip to Alaska in 2025 to get the remaining parks there…not happening this year. If he recovers, maybe next year.

His favorite things, family…especially the grands Sierra and Sawyer, debating with his friends, hiking, photography, word working, and having deep thoughts…all are suffering because of the cancer and now diminished because of whatever is happening in his brain.

One day while I held his hand, he had a thought. All that made his life worthwhile had been stripped away except love. God loves him. I love him. His family loves him. His friends love him. People he has never met show their love by praying for his healing.

He decided at that time, love was enough.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that Norm knows he is loved. He’s a little fuzzy on that, but he sees his family staying by his side and knows that people are praying.

I pray for those living without the knowledge of love, especially the love that God has for them. God loves each one so much that he sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross in payment of their sin so that they could come to know God as a loving Father.

I rejoice that we continue to hope in spite of the circumstances.

Where’s the joy? The joy is in the assurance of God’s love in our lives. No matter what we have done, He loves us. No matter how far we run away from him, He loves us. No matter what we see happening around us, God loves us with a love that is deeper and purer than anyone on earth can give.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. John 3:16-18

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 11, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 8

Still at the hospital. No answers.

My oldest daughter is here with me. My children have been great about coming in for Norm’s treatments. This weekend, he is here for an as yet unknown infection. Chemo is not happening, we are waiting to see when it can resume.

Meanwhile, we wait. Norm seems to be improving physically, not so much mentally. He’s not hearing voices, but definitely a misperception of reality. For instance, today he is positive he has bird flu from his visit to Asia 20 years ago, and doesn’t understand why the doctors don’t test for it.

It’s tough to watch him suffer and be able to offer no consolation. Nothing works, he’s just in a miserable place.

We pray. We wait. We pray while we wait. Others also pray while we wait.

It all comes back to trust. I trust God to do the best for him. I hope God will totally heal him. I know God will do/allow what is best for him.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. Hebrews 11:1

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for my children who are here for Norm and me without complaint, helping us to navigate this path.

I pray for wisdom and strength for the people who care for Norm in the hospital and in the outpatient center.

I rejoice in the Heavenly Father who is unseen and yet sees all.

Where’s the joy? Standing on the promises that God has made to us through Jesus Christ the Lord.

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on January 24, 2025 by tricialathrop

January 24

It’s been a rough few weeks. I came down with the flu. Norm has had two treatments since I last posted. We’ve had good news, the cancer is shrinking throughout his body.

Tough to take, the build up of the chemicals in his body are taking their toll on his stamina and mental fortitude.

Tomorrow we begin the last leg of the race, the final quarter. The end is in sight, only four more treatments. But the path ahead still looks daunting. Most trained distance runners always have a kick saved for the final laps…but cancer comes upon us and no one has trained for that final kick to make it through.

My daughter ran a marathon without a lot of training. She made it through the middle portion by asking people alongside the road to cheer for her, and they did. But the last leg of the journey, it was a matter of one foot in front of the other, a dogged determination to make it through.

Tonight, Norm’s frustration reached a low, “Four more treatments…how am I going to make it?”

My response, “You will make it in the same way you’ve made it so far. People are praying. People are hoping for you to come through this totally healed. People are cheering you on to the completion of the treatment. The Lord has carried you this far, He will be with you throughout the treatment.”

He is resting peacefully now. I hope he sleeps through the night and awakens refreshed.

I am thankful that we are not facing this treatment alone, we have friends and family for encouragement all along the way.

I pray that the final treatments will do what they are intended to do, and that Norm will have the strength of body and mind to continue to fight to beat cancer.

I rejoice that, no matter how it looks, God has this.

Where is the joy? I can’t say I’ve seen much joy today, it’s been tough. The joy is found in trusting in God’s faithfulness, appearances are deceiving, but God remains faithful.

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might, He increases power.

Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:28-31

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on December 8, 2024 by tricialathrop

December 6

I took Norm to the hospital for his fourth round of chemo. A month ago, I wasn’t sure he’d live. The last few times we’ve been to the hospital, he needed help to get inside to get help. Today, I watched him walk in, steady and sure, while I parked the car.

After the day of chemo, I returned home. I’m feeling drained. I sat and watched some Hallmark movies…Christmas ones of course.

I’m out of survival mode. The adrenalin rush is over. I feel like I’m in a marathon. At the start, there is adrenalin coursing through the body, making sure it’s a good start. At the end, well, the end is in sight and there comes another surge of adrenalin. But here, in the middle section, it’s just remembering to put one foot in front of the other and don’t fall down. Keep drinking water and taking in nutrients.

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3

Thank you Lord for friends that come alongside to walk this road.

I pray for perseverance as we enter this middle section of treatment.

I rejoice that God has this all under control.

Where’s the joy? Norm walked into the hospital on his own, without any help.

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