Posts Tagged With: disappointment

Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 28, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 27

When I left Norm at the hospital last night he was joking with the nurses and doctors. He still had some trouble breathing, but seemed to be on the mend.

A phone call this am had Rob and I trying to get to the hospital quickly. Tons of equipment sat outside his room. I entered the room, my eyes on Norm, restrained and struggling with the tube down his throat.

He opened his eyes, will and frightened. I tried to reassure him. Tears ran down his cheeks. I told him I loved him, and I would be with him. They gave him more sedative and he slept.

ICU again…this one is more pleasant for the family. More room, a comfortable couch where I will sleep.

I will say this about the staff at University of Tennessee Medical Center, they have been awesome. This is our fifth crew of this hospital visit and they have all given Norm excellent tender care.

I’ve been telling the nurses about his hiking and photography adventures, since he cannot share. It’s hard to watch him be like this.

Still no answers. More tests to come. He’s resting comfortably, probably the best sleep he’s had in six months.

Where’s the joy? Actually, lots of tears today.

I am thankful for the considerate, tender care of the staff at UT.

I pray that the Lord intervenes and heals Norm completely, another eleventh hour miracle would be great.

I rejoice that the Lord God of the universe has a plan for Norm. I will trust Him.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I lift up my hands. Psalm 63:1-4

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 23, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 21

I’m getting mixed messages. Oncologist and infectious disease doctors see improvement–ICU and Respiratory doctors see the need for oxygen increasing. I see him struggling to breath and constantly talking about him dying in the hospital.

He can’t leave ICU until his need for oxygen reduces. If he were to go on hospice, he can’t go home until there is a significant drop in the amount of oxygen he needs.

He seems more like his old self most of the day, but he still gets very angry and frustrated at all that is going on around him. He no longer asks to go home, he’s resigned to hospital life for now…doesn’t like it but is enduring it.

Everyone is flummoxed. He’s not responding in any expected way.

What is God going to do? Heal him and have him continue on earth with quite a testimony? Or take him to walk with Him in the heavenly garden.

Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. Habakkuk 3:17-18

I don’t know, yet I will trust in the Lord.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that Norm is getting great care.

I pray for his heart to be encouraged.

I rejoice that though I watch everything falling apart, I can take joy in the God of my salvation.

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 19, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 18

It’s been a rough few days. Norm continues to ride the roller coaster between going to die and going to live.

My plan was to take him home yesterday. Dr Cutrer said that it would be morally and medically unethical to send him home. BP still iffy, but his oxygen levels had dropped so much that there was no way to give him the oxygen he needed. And still, we wait for answers.

The question is what really is the cause…there are all kinds of fungus. Cultures still growing.

Norm’s brother and sister came, they helped to bolster his spirit, I think the pain meds helped to return Norm to his wisecracking self.I heard Norm laugh multiple times, and he was nice to the nurses.

I’ve decided to tell Norm that he is free to stop the fight. If he wants to live, which is what I want, he needs to do it for himself, not so that he’s not a disappointment. I don’t know if he heard me, but he is my hero….very supportive and encouraging for all my endeavors.

This writing was interrupted. Norm came back from his MRI, in pain (not from the MRI), and agitated. He kept saying over and over, “Oh Lord, you are my God, and I will ever praise you.”

He was in a lot of pain, his oxygen and BP levels were sinking. The nurses put a mask on him and told him to continue the chant, just in his head because talking caused his oxygen level to reduce.

I sang the song to him as he tried to focus on breathing. Song after song, but the oxygen level stayed too low. The nurses looked very concerned.

Suddenly about ten people entered the room, in a rush and began to work with Norm. Dr Cutrer took us out into the hall and asked us what had happened. Then he spoke to one of the nurses. Norm would need to go to ICU and possibly get a breathing tube.

I spoke to Norm about the tube, he was concerned that it would be the rest of his life. I assured him only a few days, giving the doctors a few more days to find the treatment that would get rid of the fevers, and allow him to continue his cancer treatment.

They rushed him to ICU, where he got agitated again, he was confused and I wasn’t allowed in the room while they got him hooked up to monitors and a breathing apparatus…not an intubation.

They got him to be stable…but we still don’t know what is going to happen. It’s scary. Will he recover? Will we have another miracle? Or will he continue to decline? Here we are again, waiting to see what happens, waiting to know if there are any answers to his illness, waiting for whatever the Lord will do.

Where’s the joy? Another day when it is not so clear.

I am thankful for the care and concern shown by the nurses and doctors at each step of this journey.

I pray for a friend who is dealing with pneumonia, and had to be transferred to a hospital where she may have an operation.

I rejoice that God remains faithful, even when it seems he is not there.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

I tried to load the song from Michael W Smith, “Step by Step”. Perhaps you can find it on YouTube.

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 8, 2025 by tricialathrop

So yesterday, Norm began the day walking with a cane, by noon he needed a walker…and that was unsteady. At 3, he began to run a 103 degree fever. I had to have help getting him into a wheelchair to get him to the hospital. Thank you Mike.

With the emergency department completely full and Norm immune compromised, we were able to get him into a processing room. They did a lot of tests and took some blood cultures to figure out what is going on.

Most troubling is the attitude change, back to the anger…not only at me but at all the nurses trying to take care of him. I was so happy when the chemo seemed to be working to have my husband back, with a great sense of humor…this man with this sickness…he’s just angry.

Now, we are in the cancer ward. While we don’t know the cause of the fever, all the contagious possibilities have been ruled out. No covid, no RSV, no flu.

Still angry. I can’t imagine the thoughts going through his mind. He has to be confused, everything was going well and now he cannot take care of himself. He can’t even sit up by himself, let alone walk.

I try to give him the grace he needs in order for him to vent his frustration, but there comes a point where I need to step away and regroup.

I have to ask myself, how would I behave in a similar situation? I’m not sure. The anger seems to be related to the cancer…so he can’t help that.

I know of a woman who could not live with her husband because he threatened her life, he could live with his son, but she was in danger. I can’t imagine.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful we live near a leading edge health care facility, UT staff have been great.

I pray that the Lord will continue to give me grace to extend to Norm as he fights this awful disease.

I rejoice that we have been able to get Norm in to someone who can give him the help he needs.

Where’s the joy? Though the road is hard and has a lot of bumps, God continues to provide for all our needs.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice.

Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of god, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 4:4-8

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 6, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 5

Our visit to the oncologist did not go as expected. In the last seven days I’ve watched my husband’s progress in this journey fade away. His appetite, his strength, his freedom from pain, his forward thinking all gone.

Our plans for a cruise in April and Yellowstone with friends in September, all on hold while we wait to see what the new scans tell us about his condition. How does one hope for a brighter future yet prepare for the worst case scenario?

We will wait for the results, an uncertain future. We are moved to the front of the line as far as getting scans, they will be done within the week. Meanwhile, the scheduled chemo treatments will continue.

Again, not the path we would have chosen. We have seen time after time when the Lord intervened in the eleventh hour, preserving his life. I cry. I pray. I do what I can to make him comfortable while we wait for answers.

Where’s the joy? Tough question today.

I am thankful for every day I have with Norm. We have had some great times.

I pray for Norm’s healing, God can intervene again. But if God chooses to take Norm home to be with Him, then I pray for strength to continue and be the support Norm will need.

I rejoice that whatever comes our way, we are loved by the Lord God Almighty.

Where’s the joy? If the cancer has returned, God gave me a few extra months with the man I love.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.

By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him.

In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. John 4:7-11

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