Posts Tagged With: bible

Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 20, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 20

Before I begin what I wrote earlier this morning, I want you to know that things look better for Norm today. I’m going ahead to share this because I think that as a caregiver, we all reach a point of frustration where we feel that it may never get better.

When does one call it quits? Ten days ago I took Norm to the hospital with a 103 degree fever and a decreasing ability to walk. He was doing so well on chemo, it was a fast fall from doing well to being on his deathbed.

Yesterday, the doctors think they have found the cause and have a treatment…after 10 days of this is possibly it and treatments not working, I’m a bit skeptical. 10 days of hope, followed by that wasn’t it and hopes dashed. I’m weary of the roller coaster of emotions.

Norm’s pain has increased, it was a 6, now he’s saying it’s an 8. They are giving him pain meds every few hours and he is counting the minutes until he can get a new med.

When I left yesterday, I planned to speak to the nurses about the tube. Would it decrease his anxiety and agitation since he would be sedated to use the tube? Would it allow him to rest? Would it help with the pain while the new meds do their job on the fungal pneumonia?

But then, am I really thinking more about him or about me? I’m tired.

I’m tired of seeing him in such pain and not able to do anything for him.

I’m tired of him griping at me when I don’t have the food, drink or other item that he must have right now.

I’m tired of the daily drive to the hospital where I sit in an uncomfortable chair waiting for him to demand something from me.

I’m frustrated that I cannot do what I want to do.

Everyone says take care of yourself. But when someone you love is suffering and dying, one can’t take care of oneself…you just can’t.

What is best for Norm? His brother and sister said that after I left, they were able to have some good conversation and he seemed to improve. He definitely does better with others in the room.

Last night I got a text from Norm saying that the oxygen device fell off and he felt like he was suffocating. It was scary for him. The nurse was trying to get it back on, but he was agitated and she kept telling him to calm down, tough to do when you can’t breath.

At this point I have to trust the doctors and nurses to know when he needs to have the tube. They’ve dealt with people in need before, they know what to do and when it needs to happen.

If the new meds don’t work, then we revisit the giving of comfort care. I will take him home until he goes to his permanent home to walk with the God in the heavenly garden.

Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.

Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit.

For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.

For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah

I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah.

Therefore let everyone who is godly offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found; surely in the rush of great waters, they shall not reach him.

You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit and bridle, or it will not stay near you.

Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.

Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart! Psalm 32

Where’s the Joy?

I am thankful Norm is in a facility that gives him the best chance for not only survival, but also restoration to a good quality of life.

I pray for wisdom to make right choices, courage to face the uncertain future, strength to endure and hope that rests in the Lord God Almighty alone.

I rejoice that Norm knows the saving grace of Jesus Christ and that his future is secure in Christ.

Where’s the joy? My joy rests in the Lord.

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:5-8

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 12, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 11

It has been a roller coaster kind of week. We waver between Norm behaving as if he will die in a few days, to great reports about what is happening with him.

He continues to have a fever with unknown origin…I guess not uncommon with chemo patients. They’ve ruled out a lot of things. Norm is not presenting symptoms to identify with any one thing. No headaches, no nausea, he just has overall body aches and weakness, along with the fever. But each day, the fever stays lower longer and doesn’t spike as high.

They’ve done multiple tests and scans. What we know, the cancer has not returned. The scans show that the chemo is wiping out the cancer. There is no longer any sign of it in the brain. We Thank God for that.

Norm is tired of fighting. He says that he is broken mentally, physically, and spiritually. This morning, before we got news from the doctors, he wanted to go home and die. He mourns the death of the man he was.

He always wants to know, so he can act. It’s been almost a week in the hospital, and still no answers. Well, a lot of answers as to what it is not, just not what it is.

He wants to come home, but he needs to be where he can get treated to get stronger. He is getting stronger. But he is frustrated.

As I said at the beginning of this post, we are on a roller coaster. He’s up, he’s down…we’re thrown for another loop…and never coming to rest.

Where’s the joy? Another tough day of uncertainty sprinkled with hope.

I am thankful for my family. My kids spent the day with Norm so I could have some regrouping time.

I pray for Norm, that he will regain physical stamina, spiritual wisdom, and emotional stability.

I rejoice that God continues to hold Norm in his hand, regardless of the difficulty and lack of knowledge.

Where’s the joy? God remains faithful, even when I do not.

Remember my affliction and my wanderings, the wormwood and the gall! My soul continually remembers it and is bowed down within me.

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in Him.”

The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. Lamentations 3:19-26

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 12, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 9

The last two days have been awful. Saturday night, Jenn and I returned to the house to get some rest before returning to the hospital the next morning. I got a text from Norm complaining about the staff, said he was refusing to do what they asked until he talked to a doctor. He thought his symptoms required a visit to ICU and how could these so called professionals not see it.

His mind is under attack by an unknown illness. He has no control over the anger, and when he gets an idea in his head, he will not be dissuaded. The last week he’s been yelling at me, but now he was yelling at the nurses.

I know and the nurses know that this is the disease speaking. One of the nurses commented on his prior behavior on the floor, they knew this was not the way my husband would react. The nurses are used to dealing with cancer patients who are in life changing situations. Sometimes the cancer does a number on the brain, sometimes the treatment can cause the emotional shifts, sometimes an infection will invade an already compromised body and wreak havoc.

Jenn, who has a way with talking to upset people, calmed him down. She helped restore him to some rationality, but he was still angry, even though he felt as if someone heard.

This has been tough on Norm. There is fear of losing control. Norm never used drugs or drank alcohol because he wanted his mind and emotions in tact, he did not want to lose control. Yet, here he is…hearing himself be hateful, but unable to stop.

Nine months ago he was hiking 10-12 miles per hike. When this started, there was a fear he would never hike again.

Out west, he enjoyed driving us in an OHV all over the San Juan Mountains. It was scary at times and required skill and full awareness.

In August we spent a week watching the grands, going to the park, playing, enjoying one another’s company. They love playing with their Poppop, who throws himself totally into their games. Due to the illness, we have not seen them since, except on FaceTime.

Norm loves to do woodworking, his Covid hobby. He is in the process of building a bed for his grandson Sawyer. Partially finished, it sits in the garage.

He had plans to go to Yellowstone for two weeks to look for wolves to photograph. We had plans to go to the Northeast and revisit some of our favorite places when the leaves were in their autumn peak. We had plans to take the Viking River Cruise from Amsterdam to Budapest in the spring.

We’ve made some plans to celebrate his survival. A Disney cruise in April, a trip to Yellowstone with some family and friends in the fall, and another trip to visit the cathedrals in France. All on hold at the moment, but not cancelled.

Wherever we go, and on Norm’s hiking trips, he takes award winning photographs…he took second place in the National Parks photo contest. He has been to all the National Parks in the continental US, as well as some in Alaska and all in Hawaii. He had planned a trip to Alaska in 2025 to get the remaining parks there…not happening this year. If he recovers, maybe next year.

His favorite things, family…especially the grands Sierra and Sawyer, debating with his friends, hiking, photography, word working, and having deep thoughts…all are suffering because of the cancer and now diminished because of whatever is happening in his brain.

One day while I held his hand, he had a thought. All that made his life worthwhile had been stripped away except love. God loves him. I love him. His family loves him. His friends love him. People he has never met show their love by praying for his healing.

He decided at that time, love was enough.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that Norm knows he is loved. He’s a little fuzzy on that, but he sees his family staying by his side and knows that people are praying.

I pray for those living without the knowledge of love, especially the love that God has for them. God loves each one so much that he sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross in payment of their sin so that they could come to know God as a loving Father.

I rejoice that we continue to hope in spite of the circumstances.

Where’s the joy? The joy is in the assurance of God’s love in our lives. No matter what we have done, He loves us. No matter how far we run away from him, He loves us. No matter what we see happening around us, God loves us with a love that is deeper and purer than anyone on earth can give.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. John 3:16-18

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 11, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 8

Still at the hospital. No answers.

My oldest daughter is here with me. My children have been great about coming in for Norm’s treatments. This weekend, he is here for an as yet unknown infection. Chemo is not happening, we are waiting to see when it can resume.

Meanwhile, we wait. Norm seems to be improving physically, not so much mentally. He’s not hearing voices, but definitely a misperception of reality. For instance, today he is positive he has bird flu from his visit to Asia 20 years ago, and doesn’t understand why the doctors don’t test for it.

It’s tough to watch him suffer and be able to offer no consolation. Nothing works, he’s just in a miserable place.

We pray. We wait. We pray while we wait. Others also pray while we wait.

It all comes back to trust. I trust God to do the best for him. I hope God will totally heal him. I know God will do/allow what is best for him.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. Hebrews 11:1

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for my children who are here for Norm and me without complaint, helping us to navigate this path.

I pray for wisdom and strength for the people who care for Norm in the hospital and in the outpatient center.

I rejoice in the Heavenly Father who is unseen and yet sees all.

Where’s the joy? Standing on the promises that God has made to us through Jesus Christ the Lord.

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 8, 2025 by tricialathrop

So yesterday, Norm began the day walking with a cane, by noon he needed a walker…and that was unsteady. At 3, he began to run a 103 degree fever. I had to have help getting him into a wheelchair to get him to the hospital. Thank you Mike.

With the emergency department completely full and Norm immune compromised, we were able to get him into a processing room. They did a lot of tests and took some blood cultures to figure out what is going on.

Most troubling is the attitude change, back to the anger…not only at me but at all the nurses trying to take care of him. I was so happy when the chemo seemed to be working to have my husband back, with a great sense of humor…this man with this sickness…he’s just angry.

Now, we are in the cancer ward. While we don’t know the cause of the fever, all the contagious possibilities have been ruled out. No covid, no RSV, no flu.

Still angry. I can’t imagine the thoughts going through his mind. He has to be confused, everything was going well and now he cannot take care of himself. He can’t even sit up by himself, let alone walk.

I try to give him the grace he needs in order for him to vent his frustration, but there comes a point where I need to step away and regroup.

I have to ask myself, how would I behave in a similar situation? I’m not sure. The anger seems to be related to the cancer…so he can’t help that.

I know of a woman who could not live with her husband because he threatened her life, he could live with his son, but she was in danger. I can’t imagine.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful we live near a leading edge health care facility, UT staff have been great.

I pray that the Lord will continue to give me grace to extend to Norm as he fights this awful disease.

I rejoice that we have been able to get Norm in to someone who can give him the help he needs.

Where’s the joy? Though the road is hard and has a lot of bumps, God continues to provide for all our needs.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice.

Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

And the peace of god, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 4:4-8

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 6, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 5

Our visit to the oncologist did not go as expected. In the last seven days I’ve watched my husband’s progress in this journey fade away. His appetite, his strength, his freedom from pain, his forward thinking all gone.

Our plans for a cruise in April and Yellowstone with friends in September, all on hold while we wait to see what the new scans tell us about his condition. How does one hope for a brighter future yet prepare for the worst case scenario?

We will wait for the results, an uncertain future. We are moved to the front of the line as far as getting scans, they will be done within the week. Meanwhile, the scheduled chemo treatments will continue.

Again, not the path we would have chosen. We have seen time after time when the Lord intervened in the eleventh hour, preserving his life. I cry. I pray. I do what I can to make him comfortable while we wait for answers.

Where’s the joy? Tough question today.

I am thankful for every day I have with Norm. We have had some great times.

I pray for Norm’s healing, God can intervene again. But if God chooses to take Norm home to be with Him, then I pray for strength to continue and be the support Norm will need.

I rejoice that whatever comes our way, we are loved by the Lord God Almighty.

Where’s the joy? If the cancer has returned, God gave me a few extra months with the man I love.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love.

By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him.

In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. John 4:7-11

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on January 31, 2025 by tricialathrop

January 30

Most days are going well, today started great and then crashed and burned with a total meltdown. I spoke to the doctor about these episodes, and while unfortunate, not unexpected. They had given us meds to deal with the anxiety when needed. Don’t need them often, but we do on days like this.

We do see this time of struggle coming to a close. The chemos are working and only three to go over the next four weeks.

It’s been a tough road, but God has been faithful to us. Some days have seemed like more than we can handle, but God always provides what we need to get through the day.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for friends who check in and take the time to listen.

I pray for an awareness of the needs of others, so I can pay the kindness forward to others who need encouragement.

I rejoice in the fact that God is always present, even when I don’t feel him.

Where’s the joy? Today, it’s friends and family who walk alongside us.

Put on then as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving eah other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

And above all, put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Colossians 3:12-15

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on January 24, 2025 by tricialathrop

January 24

It’s been a rough few weeks. I came down with the flu. Norm has had two treatments since I last posted. We’ve had good news, the cancer is shrinking throughout his body.

Tough to take, the build up of the chemicals in his body are taking their toll on his stamina and mental fortitude.

Tomorrow we begin the last leg of the race, the final quarter. The end is in sight, only four more treatments. But the path ahead still looks daunting. Most trained distance runners always have a kick saved for the final laps…but cancer comes upon us and no one has trained for that final kick to make it through.

My daughter ran a marathon without a lot of training. She made it through the middle portion by asking people alongside the road to cheer for her, and they did. But the last leg of the journey, it was a matter of one foot in front of the other, a dogged determination to make it through.

Tonight, Norm’s frustration reached a low, “Four more treatments…how am I going to make it?”

My response, “You will make it in the same way you’ve made it so far. People are praying. People are hoping for you to come through this totally healed. People are cheering you on to the completion of the treatment. The Lord has carried you this far, He will be with you throughout the treatment.”

He is resting peacefully now. I hope he sleeps through the night and awakens refreshed.

I am thankful that we are not facing this treatment alone, we have friends and family for encouragement all along the way.

I pray that the final treatments will do what they are intended to do, and that Norm will have the strength of body and mind to continue to fight to beat cancer.

I rejoice that, no matter how it looks, God has this.

Where is the joy? I can’t say I’ve seen much joy today, it’s been tough. The joy is found in trusting in God’s faithfulness, appearances are deceiving, but God remains faithful.

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might, He increases power.

Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:28-31

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on December 19, 2024 by tricialathrop

December 18

Sad news, Tony passed into heaven this morning. Well, sad for his family and friends, a day of rejoicing for him because he is with the Lord Jesus and no longer in pain.

Death is brought to the forefront of my thoughts again. Once, I gave a speech on Jesus’ crucifixion, I began with, “Death, the Final Frontier”.

As Jesus hung on the cross, he experienced death and a separation from God for the very first time from eternity. He knew it would be difficult, and prayed for God to find another way to save people from their sins. In the end, He yielded to God’s plan.

We can have a lot of head knowledge, but the experience takes it to a new level. We will all face our own death at some point. On this side, we don’t have the experience, just some knowledge about how it happens. We only have faith as to what lies beyond, it is truly our final frontier.

The death of a loved one brings a grief that overwhelms us. We are somewhat sustained by the hope of a painless and joyful eternal life in the presence of the Lord.

As a follower of Jesus Christ, I believe that once this earthly body dies, it will be as if I go to sleep and wake in the presence of the Lord. Will that help me face death with more hope and less fear? I really don’t know.

I am thankful that Jesus came to earth to experience death for us, so that we live in heaven with the Lord forever.

I pray for Tony’s family as they deal with the loss of their loved one, that they will have the peace and comfort that only God can give.

I rejoice that we have the hope of eternal life.

Where’s the joy? God cared enough about each one of us, that He sent Jesus to suffer on the cross so that we could live forever with Him.

As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted up; so that whoever believes will in Him have eternal life. For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:14-16

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on December 8, 2024 by tricialathrop

December 6

I took Norm to the hospital for his fourth round of chemo. A month ago, I wasn’t sure he’d live. The last few times we’ve been to the hospital, he needed help to get inside to get help. Today, I watched him walk in, steady and sure, while I parked the car.

After the day of chemo, I returned home. I’m feeling drained. I sat and watched some Hallmark movies…Christmas ones of course.

I’m out of survival mode. The adrenalin rush is over. I feel like I’m in a marathon. At the start, there is adrenalin coursing through the body, making sure it’s a good start. At the end, well, the end is in sight and there comes another surge of adrenalin. But here, in the middle section, it’s just remembering to put one foot in front of the other and don’t fall down. Keep drinking water and taking in nutrients.

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3

Thank you Lord for friends that come alongside to walk this road.

I pray for perseverance as we enter this middle section of treatment.

I rejoice that God has this all under control.

Where’s the joy? Norm walked into the hospital on his own, without any help.

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