Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

Posted on March 10, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 9

Today, we all kept busy. It’s a temporary hold for the emotional grief that will be coming. No one bypasses the stages of grief.

  1. Denial: I still can’t believe that Norm is gone. I keep thinking I’ll awaken and find it to be just an awful dream.
  2. Anger: I did some of that during Norm’s chemo. I’m not sure how it will mammofest itself. Will I be angry at Norm? Will I be angry at God? Will I have unrealistic expectations of my family and friends and end up angry at them?
  3. Bargaining: I am keeping busy to keep from being overwhelmed by the emotions.
  4. Depression: I’m hoping to have friends around me when this one hits so I don’t wallow in self pity.
  5. Acceptance: Someone told me that grief never goes away, but it does get cushioned so that we can move forward in life. It’s like the grief gets surrounded by a little balloon. Unexpectedly, that balloon can be popped and the searing emotions will rise again to the surface.

Today I had a lot of time with family. We laughed, we were sad. They came and helped me take down the Christmas tree. When we put it up, Norm said that we would keep it up until his chemo was finished. We would have a party with my sister and maybe the kids, and take it down.

For the last month I have turned on the lights each morning, hoping for the day when we would take it down, and then for next Christmas when Norm and I would put it back up again. He won’t be there.

Many hands helped to remove the ornaments and pack them away. I think it was a blessing that it came down quickly and with my family. I’m not sure I could have done it myself…not without a lot of tears.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for my children, my sister, my niece and nephews who all came to help me perform a task that would have been hard for me to do.

I pray for the days ahead, that I will walk faithfully in the Lord as I allow myself to grieve the loss of Norm. I also pray that I will not try to walk this path alone, but will reach out to the many friends and family who are trying to be there for me.

I rejoice Jesus promised to never leave nor forsake me. I will be holding onto that promise.

Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Deuteronomy 11:6

The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you. He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not be afraid or dismayed. Deuteronomy 11:8

Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, “I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you,” so that we confidently say, “The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What will man do to me?” Hebrews 13:5-6

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Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk.

Posted on March 8, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 7

Yesterday afternoon my husband went to walk with the Lord in His garden. My daughters and I were with him as he took his last breath on this world. They kept him comfortable so he didn’t feel any pain. We did, and spent some time crying at his bedside.

When we returned to the house, each room held reminders of his presence in my life. His photos and creations are all over the walls. His furniture, his clothes, and his Kleenex that he left all over. There were times I just sat, totally stunned at the reality. When I went to bed, I kept saying it was all a bad dream and that when I’d awake, Norm would be there.

I was so tired physically and emotionally that I went right to sleep and slept all night. I think it was the Lord’s blessing so that I could get through today.

Today I began working on some things I needed to take care of. Called the funeral to set up a meeting, called Social Security to arrange survivor’s benefits…a lot easier than I expected. However, I’m having trouble reaching Norm’s pension provider, a busy signal buzzed at me each time.

My girls, in an effort to keep themselves busy, helped me clean the house. It has been sorely neglected these last four weeks, and a little before that as we dealt with the cancer treatments.

The first order of business, take down the bookshelf that became an issue of contention between Norm and I. I spoke about it in a former post, when I yelled at Norm. His illness had changed his personality a bit, and I was frustrated. Looking at it reminded me of my failure, so down it came. My girls decided that neither of them wanted it, it would also remind them of the personality change that came over Norm before treatment.

We want to remember the good times, the fun, the adventure, the love.

We found things that made us cry. We found things that made us laugh.

We’ve received words of encouragement, flowers, phone calls, texts…distractions from the pain of the loss.

But now the day is done, and the reality of his death hits me anew. I want to push it aside, but I’m going to embrace the grief. When one loves much, the grief is deeper. I trust the Lord to walk me through all of this.

I am thankful for the peace that passes all understanding. Without it, I would not be able to function.

I pray for wisdom and courage to face each day, not only for me, but for my children and grandchildren as they also walk the path of grief.

I rejoice that Norm is walking with the Lord. It is a hope that brings me encouragement.

Where’s the joy? So many friends and family encouraging. Norm’s life is worth celebrating, he touched a lot of lives with his humor and his wisdom. His photos have brought joy to a lot of people all over the US.

Moving forward, just as during the cancer diagnosis and treatment, trusting in the Lord will be essential to my well being.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6.

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 7, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 6

My husband’s prayer: “Lord, please release my spirit so that I can walk with You in Your garden.” Today, Norm’s prayer was answered. He walks with the Lord in His heavenly garden.

My heart aches for my children and me. I came home to a house full of memories of Norm. He walks the earth no longer.

Where’s the joy?

I give thanks that Norm is no longer struggling with pain.

I pray for comfort for my family as we deal with the grief of losing Norm. I also pray for wisdom and strength as I walk the road ahead.

I rejoice that Norm is with the Lord.

Where’s the joy? I have hope that I will see Norm again.

This is my final Where’s the Joy?. I had hoped for a different ending, one where Norm is healed of his cancer and we continue our wonderful adventures. God chose a new path for me, without my best friend, most avid encourager, and wise counsellor.

So I will start a new series, Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk.

For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are the sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, “Abba! Father!”

The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God, fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God.

For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God.

For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. And not only this, but also we ourselves having the first fruits of the Spirit, even ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body.

For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees?

But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

And not only this, but also we ourselves having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of the body.

For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees.

But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

Romans 8:14-25

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 5, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 5

I spent the night at the hospital. He would not have wanted this. He has no control over his own decisions, suffering the ministrations of nurses to his personal hygiene, however caring, still an indignity to a modest man. The nurse said they might try up to 14 days…that is too long.

He just stares off into space, barely even making eye contact anymore.

Lord, you know what’s best for Norm. I don’t understand why God is allowing this.

Interrupted by the breathing trial. He passed, barely, but passed. The tube is out.

I should be excited, BUT is this a spin around the gently rising and falling part of the roller coaster ride to its conclusion, or another climb to a big drop. I just don’t know.

Still no answer as to the cause of all this. Even the samples they sent to the big research facility came back with no conclusions. There is still inflammation in the lungs, so they are trying a new round of steroids, along with the antibiotics and anti fungals. Hopefully something will work and he will be able to move forward.

Norm is wanting to eat, a big improvement. He’s on the heavy duty oxygen, just not with the tube. Hopefully it will be able to come down so he can go to the rehab, then home, then three more chemo treatments.

I’m tired and cautiously hopeful.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for a successful extubation.

I pray that Norm gains strength in body and spirit so that he can enjoy the life he desires to live.

I rejoice that God is in control.

Where’s the joy? Today, the news is good.

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness. He will not always strive with us, nor will He keep His anger forever.

He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.

As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our Fram; He is mindful that we are but dust.

As for man, his days are like grass; as a flower of the field, so he flourishes. When the wind has passed over it, it is no more, and its place acknowledges it no longer.

But the lovingkindness of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, and His righteousness to children’s children, to those who keep His covenant and remember His precepts to do them.

Psalm 103:8-18

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 5, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 4

I came in with such hope today–he almost succeeded in getting the tube out. All was fine. Physical Therapy gave him a positive workout. Aimee came in. All was set for breathing trial #5, then he spiked his BP and they cancelled the trial.

Since then, he’s been very sleepy. he looks a lot to the right corner of the room, nothing there. He says it is a focal point. His responses are slower. He gets frustrated when we don’t understand.

The dilemma, I want him whole and healthy and still with me, however I am watching him grow weaker and less responsive.

After having nothing come up in his lungs for 2 1/2 weeks, he’s bringing up something from his lungs. He is constantly needing suction. They’ve got him so sedated, he doesn’t stay awake for long.

Once again, he has an awesome nurse.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the excellent care he gets here.

I pray that God will relieve this coughing so he can rest well for another try tomorrow.

I rejoice that God gives me peace beyond all understanding.

Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:31

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 4, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 3

Norm didn’t want me to leave when they did the new breathing trial. Today was the fourth attempt. The ones he had done earlier really spooked me. But, I stayed, holding his hand as he endured the fear and the pain of the reduced meds and oxygen. He did better, but they still could not get the tube out.

Palliative care spoke to me. The question, what if they can’t get the tube out? What if they get the tube out and he has to have the tube reinserted? Having the doctor ask me those questions with Norm in such a vulnerable state made his possible death more real. I was already questioning whether he would be able to survive this still unknown infection. The music therapist and chaplain came by, I had a very weepy day, I cried a lot.

The ventilator is used to keep someone alive while they discover what is wrong or while the medicines heal the body. They have pretty well done all they can for Norm, still unknown cause and they have used every antibiotic and anti fungal to attack any known agent. Each one seemed to work…a little, but not to knock out whatever this is. There is still some hope that the sample sent to Washington will come up with an answer…hopefully this week.

I need to talk to the kids about options. If they are able to get the tube out, then Norm will be able to tell the doctors whether he wants CPR and a reinsertion of the tube. If he is unable to make the decision, then it falls to me.

He’s swollen from this initial insertion, another would cause more issues. CPR may cause more damage in his weakened state. He’s been near death a few times in the past five months, and has rallied to the point that he seemed well on his way to recovery.

Will he rally this time? I don’t know what God will do. I live in a state of limbo, not knowing.

I’m sure Norm is there too. If he could speak, maybe he would say more. Fears and uncertainty cloud his future. He was awake all day today, and had time to consider it. I sat by his side, holding his hand, watching him struggle and thankful for meds that gave him some comfort.

He tried to communicate, I did understand some things. A matter of guessing and having him nod or shake his head. I’m usually decent at guessing charades…not so much acting it out…but not today.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for each person who has poured into Norm’s life during this hospital stay. They seem to really care, and don’t treat him as just a client.

I pray for God’s best for Norm, and strength to walk whatever comes our way with grace.

I rejoice that God is in control.

Let the glory of the Lord endure forever; Let the Lord be glad in His works; He looks at the earth and it trembles; He touches the mountains and they smoke.

I will sing to the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have my being, Let my meditations be pleasing to Him; As for me, I shall be glad in the Lord.

Bless the Lord, oh my soul. Praise the Lord!

Psalm 104:31-35

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 3, 2025 by tricialathrop

March 1

Today–emotional overload. I’ve reached my limit.

They did the preliminaries to take Norm off the ventilator, which means they reduce the sedation, giving him an opportunity to breathe on his own and making him aware of his surroundings.

He writhed against the restraints. His eyes bulged in fear as he looked at me, begging for me to help, no words, but in feeble sounds. That episode is seared onto my brain.

I stood helplessly as his O2 level dropped to far and it seemed he would go into cardiac arrest. They sedated him again to try later.

I can’t do this again. I cried because of his pain and fear. I cried because I am not strong enough to stay with him through this trial.

They kept him quiet the rest of the day and will try again tomorrow.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful that the nurses and doctors know how far to push before calling it quits, allowing his body to rest for another try.

I pray for strength to be with Norm, in prayer if not physically present.

I rejoice that there is still hope.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul; He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You have anointed my head with oil; My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Psalm 23

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on March 1, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 28

Today was to be Norm’s last chemo treatment, but here we are in the ICU, intubated. Disappointing that we were so close. He seems to get better then crashes. Do close and yet so far.

He has a breathing tube, a feeding tube and all kinds of IVs with antibiotics and antifungals as well as an artery monitor to keep closer tabs on BP and oxygen levels. His neck is swollen and he continues to sleep, I’m hoping he has pleasant dreams. His oxygen levels continue to fluctuate.

This is painful to watch. I’ve played his music all day, hoping to give him some encouragement in music. I talk to him, just in case he can hear me and knows he is loved.

They did another bronchial analysis, hoping for answers. I don’t know what they might find that they haven’t before.

The way I see it, the only way he is pulling through is if the Lord reaches down another time and heals his body. Of real concern, his lungs, we don’t know how much they have been damaged, if at all.

If he lives through this, will he be able to hike again? Will he be willing to go to scenic overlooks and be in a wheelchair to get some photographs? Will he be able to continue with woodworking, and finish Sawyer’s bed? Will he be able to continue with his chemotherapy and be fully healed head to toe?

I’m still just walking each day, one step in front of the other, doing what needs to be done and trying to get the rest I need so I can continue each day.

I don’t know what each day will bring, but God does. I know He wants God’s best for Norm.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the staff that is taking such good care of Norm with a good attitude.

I pray for the Lord to do what is best for Norm, a miracle healing is my preference, BUT only God knows what is truly best.

I rejoice that…to be honest, I’m not rejoicing. BUT I know that God remains faithful and He is at work in Norm’s life and in mine.

Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen. 1 Timothy 1:17

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 28, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 27

When I left Norm at the hospital last night he was joking with the nurses and doctors. He still had some trouble breathing, but seemed to be on the mend.

A phone call this am had Rob and I trying to get to the hospital quickly. Tons of equipment sat outside his room. I entered the room, my eyes on Norm, restrained and struggling with the tube down his throat.

He opened his eyes, will and frightened. I tried to reassure him. Tears ran down his cheeks. I told him I loved him, and I would be with him. They gave him more sedative and he slept.

ICU again…this one is more pleasant for the family. More room, a comfortable couch where I will sleep.

I will say this about the staff at University of Tennessee Medical Center, they have been awesome. This is our fifth crew of this hospital visit and they have all given Norm excellent tender care.

I’ve been telling the nurses about his hiking and photography adventures, since he cannot share. It’s hard to watch him be like this.

Still no answers. More tests to come. He’s resting comfortably, probably the best sleep he’s had in six months.

Where’s the joy? Actually, lots of tears today.

I am thankful for the considerate, tender care of the staff at UT.

I pray that the Lord intervenes and heals Norm completely, another eleventh hour miracle would be great.

I rejoice that the Lord God of the universe has a plan for Norm. I will trust Him.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory.

Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I lift up my hands. Psalm 63:1-4

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Where’s the Joy?

Posted on February 27, 2025 by tricialathrop

February 26

Here we go again!

Today, Norm’s oxygen numbers dropped very low and they had a hard time getting him to stabilize. So another early trip to the hospital, afraid of what I would find.

But what started off really terrible, it ended up being the best day he’s had in weeks. They addressed those things that caused him stress. The music therapy lady came to visit. A good friend of his came to visit. He ate better than he has in days.

When I left, he was happy, joking and making the best of still being in the hospital.

I realized something today. I’ve been pushing through each day, doing what needed to be done…step after step. It is the prayers and support of the people in my life who have kept me going…doing for me what I cannot do for myself as I focus on Norm and his health. I am truly blessed.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the prayers and emotional support of those around me.

I pray for the ability to be a blessing to those with whom I come in contact throughout this struggle.

I rejoice that God has placed people in my life who are supporting me and lifting Norm and I continually in prayer.

Where’s the joy? Friends and family walking alongside. How sad it would be to walk this road alone.

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!

Again if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone?

And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him–a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

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