Yesterday was full of regrets. I could have gone on more of Norm’s photography trips. I could have made the effort to tell him how much he meant to me. I could have been kinder and paid more attention when he first talked of his symptoms…in my defense, he was a bit of a hypochondriac.
I’ve heard that this is part of grieving, looking at what I could have/should have done. There’s no way to go back and change the past, but perhaps it will help me as I deal with family and friends moving forward…to let them know I care, to give the thanks and the approval as it happens.
People have told me their loved ones have come to them in dreams…usually a good thing. Norm appeared in my dream last night, alive. Usually if it’s a dream about him, it’s me dealing with his death. Last night, he was alive. Instead of an encouraging word of love and care, he gave me a list of how I had failed him. I know that was just a reflection of my thoughts yesterday being reviewed in my dream, but still, it was kind of a bummer.
As I thought about my dream, I started laughing. Norm was good at making me laugh. That was so not Norm…at least not who he was before the cancer changed his personality to a bitter, angry old man. The treatments gave me back my husband for a few months with jokes and laughter, celebrating the small successes as he battled cancer. We made plans for trips to France, Egypt, a cruise or two, going back to the Alpine Highway in Colorado…hopeful days in the midst of the turmoil of cancer.
Are there regrets? We all have them. Moving forward? Forgiveness and do better with those still on this earth.
Where’s the joy?
I am thankful for the extra months I had with Norm where he was his funny, sarcastic self.
I pray for words of encouragement and affirming to give to those around me, and asking forgiveness when appropriate.
I rejoice that God’s forgiveness is always available to us when we ask. He knows our weaknesses more than we know our own.
Where’s the joy? I married Norm because he made me laugh…Memories of Norm will still make me laugh.
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32.
I know all to well, you never know when it will be your last opportunity to be kind…
Yesterday was a tough day. I missed the father of my children. I face-timed with the kids. My nephews and sister went out to lunch with me. All good things, and I had a good day.
Norm and I would have gone out for lunch and then probably driven along the Foothills Parkway. A holiday really brings home the loss…10 more months of holiday firsts without Norm. The sorrow overwhelms me and the tears fall freely.
Those who have walked this road before me say it gets better…
Who has believed our message? And to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?
For He grew up before Him like a tender shoot, And like a root out of parched ground; He has no stately form or majesty That we should look upon Him, Nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him.
He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; And like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him.
Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted.
But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed.
All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the Lord has caused the iniquity of us all To fall on Him.
He was oppressed and He was afflicted, Yet He did not open His mouth; Like a lamb that is led to slaughter, And like a sheep that is silent before its shearers, So He did not open His mouth.
By oppression and judgment He was taken away; And as for His generation, who considered That He was cut off out of the land of the living For the transgression of my people, to whom the stroke was due?
His grave was assigned with wicked men, Yet He was with a rich man in His death, Because He had done no violence, Nor was there any deceit in His mouth.
But the Lord was pleased To crush Him, putting Him to grief; If He would render Himself as a guilt offering, He will see His offspring, He will prolong His days, And the good pleasure of the Lord will prosper in His hand.
As a result of the anguish of His soul, He will see it and be satisfied; By His knowledge the Righteous One, My Servant, will justify the many, As He will bear their iniquities.
Therefore, I will allot Him a portion with the great, And He will divide the booty with the strong; Because He poured out Himself to death, And was numbered with the transgressors; Yet He Himself bore the sin of many, And interceded for the transgressors.
I went to the dentist this week. The hygienist asked “How is your husband?” I had mentioned his battle with cancer on my last visit. I just cried and she quietly waited for me to finish.
Sometimes I face this new normal with grace and strength, and sometimes I just cry. It’s not easy to wake up each day knowing that Norm will not be here. Right now I’m trying to deal with those things that I put off due to his illness and death. Step by step.
Our roof is leaking so I called to get some estimates…and then I contacted our HOA because roofs are their responsibility unless it’s a weather issue. Their guy came out and said they could repair, but it would cause more problems. So it is being replaced this week, and I don’t have to pay for it.
I know that I’ve paid the dues for years, and this is what the HOA does by their contract. But I see this as a God-wink. He’s letting me know that He’s watching out for me. We’ll get through all the challenges yet to come, together.
Another friend died due to cancer. Linda had been a big support for Norm. She had gone through the treatments and the visits to ICU with her first bout. She encouraged Norm regularly, from a voice of experience. He accepted the encouragement from her because she knew what it was really like. After Norm’s death, evidence appeared that her cancer had returned. She and Norm are both walking in the Garden of the Lord.
As I walk this earth without Norm, I have support from family, friends and my church family. I’m not sure what God has for me in the future…none of us know. I know that He is faithful, and that He will intervene on my behalf, either directly or through those around me. I can continue to trust in Him.
Where’s the joy?
I am thankful for the people around me who continually lift me up with encouragement and prayer.
I pray for wisdom and strength to walk the path before me in a way that brings honor to the Lord.
I rejoice that God continues to be faithful.
Where’s the joy? My family and friends who continue to remember Norm.
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven-
A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal; A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost; A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate; A time for war and a time for peace.
I just got back from a trip to see my kids and grandkids and a cruise with my sisters. I had a good time…some tears, as expected.
But I came home to silence. Norm didn’t greet me at the door with a big kiss, a bear hug, and an “I missed you.” I had no help bringing my luggage into the house. We didn’t go out to Olive Garden to share what we had done while we were absent from one another.
I miss Norm. I’m not liking this new normal.
I am thankful for the time I had with Norm, he is the love of my life.
I pray for strength and courage to walk through this new normal.
I rejoice that in spite of how I am feeling and reacting, God’s love will continue to guide and to sustain me, and give me joy in the midst of the sorrow.
Where’s the joy? Today it is in the memories.
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives and freedom to prisoners; to proclaim the favorable year of the Lord and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn, to grant those who mourn in Zion, giving them a garland instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting. So they will be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. Isaiah 61:1-3
I’ve just finished my first official vacation without Norm. It was interesting, tears with memories and some new things. The hardest times were getting on the ship and then getting off. The loss of Norm’s laugh and dry humor gave me pause, I would think of what he’d say in the situation.
On our deck was a person who was a cancer survivor, on a celebration cruise. I didn’t meet them, not sure I could hold it together. I put the magnet I had made for Norm’s celebration on our door. Vic had a magnet with Goofy made, “In memory of Norm”.
We went to Lookaway Cay, Disney’s new island. Norm would not have liked the walking, but he would have enjoyed the Cathedral Caves and some of the unique architecture. I took some photos, but not like he would have.
Where’s the joy?
I am thankful for my family and friends who are very supportive.
I pray for those going through cancer treatment that they will have strength, courage and laughter as they endure.
I rejoice that through it all, God is faithful.
Where’s the joy? Everyday, sweet memories, and the ability to make new ones.
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
5 You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it. (Psalm 139:1–6, NASB95)
I’m writing thank you notes for the love and mercy poured out on Norm and I over the last eight months. I am overwhelmed and find myself in tears. I know that Norm didn’t know how much he was loved. But I know he commented about being overwhelmed by it.
I know that we all get busy with life and it takes a tragedy or a death to shake us out of our complacency to get us to make that phone call, write a letter or send an email or text to let someone know we care. I get it, I am a procrastinator par excellence.
I want to challenge you to contact a friend or family member who has been on your mind…today. Let them know you care, today. I know all to well, tomorrow may be too late.
I am thankful for the overwhelming love poured out for us during this trial.
I pray that this lesson of showing love to others is carried out in my life, for the rest of my life.
I rejoice that God is love and because of him, we are able to truly love.
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as we see the day drawing near. Hebrews 10:23-25
This week Norm and I had planned a celebration cruise. Chemo was supposed to be finished. He should have had eight weeks of rehab and recovery. He bought a stationary bike so that his energy and stamina would be improved.
I decided to go ahead on the cruise. My sister will be joining me.
It’s just another reminder of what I’ve lost, another step in a world without Norm…my new normal. He used to joke that he was always Norm L.
Where’s the joy?
I am thankful for the support of family and friends.
I pray for courage to keep from isolating myself.
I rejoice that God is always with me no matter what the circumstances.
But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel, “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you, for I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” Isaiah 43:1-3
“It is what it is.” A coping quote for me, Norm didn’t like it, considering it the sign of a fatalistic attitude. But for me, it indicated a situation that would not change, and my need to figure out how to respond despite the circumstance.
My grandson, Sawyer, told his friends, “My mommy is sad because Poppop is dead.”
It is what it is. Norm is gone from this world. That won’t change. One day I’ll see him again in heaven, but right now, I need to figure out how to respond to life. I have a new normal…well, I’m trying to figure out my new normal.
9/11…we all got a new normal. We could no longer see friends off or greet friends at the gate. We had to remove shoes and belts to go through the long lines at the airports. Some of us have been subjected to embarrassing searches in the name of security.
Covid brought a new normal. I still give people space when in a line. A negative of covid, a lot of Americans are no longer kind. Hospitals and restaurants have to remind us to be kind to the people who are serving us.
It is what it is.
How am I adjusting? Some days better than others. Today I watched a recording of our church service from several weeks ago. I will say this, that is a positive result of covid, church services on line, so that we can hear what we’ve missed.
Chris spoke about the need for singing in our worship, and just for our life in general. When we sing the Word of God, we are engaging our minds, emotions and spirit, all with that one act. it encourages and lifts us up, so that we can serve the Lord more effectively.
The sermon made me realize that I’m not singing like I used to. I think it’s a side effect of what I’ve been through these last few months…but I don’t have to stay there. I can choose to sing. I can make a conscious effort to sing and praise the Lord, despite my circumstances.
When I got in the car today, I listened to the Imperials, the first song, “Praise the Lord”…regardless of the circumstances, the Lord is faithful.
Where’s the joy?
I am thankful that the Lord gave us music to encourage, challenge, and uplift us.
I pray for wisdom to walk this new normal in a way that brings honor to Him.
I rejoice that God is always faithful and worthy of all praise and honor.
Where’s the joy? There are lots of reasons to have joy…music, family and friends.
Last night I went to our Good Friday Service.I thought about the Tennebrae Service that we used to do at Grace Chapel in Clifton Park. The word tennebrae means shadows, and we would go through the last actions of Christ before his crucifixion and with each shadow, the sanctuary would get darker until there was no light. We would leave in total darkness and silence.
For our service several people would speak about each shadow. One year our pastor met me at the door and said that one of the speakers was ill and would I fill in. So I read the Scripture passage, prayed and wrote a speech. Norm talked about it years later…just because of my opening line. “Death, the final frontier.”
Matthew 26:36–42 The Garden of Gethsemane
Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to His disciples, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be grieved and distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with Me.” And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.” And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “So, you men could not keep watch with Me for one hour? “Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” He went away again a second time and prayed, saying, “My Father, if this cannot pass away unless I drink it, Your will be done.”
As I’ve gone through this time with Norm, first with his cancer and then dealing with his death, my talk a number of years ago hit on what I’m going to share now. Norm spoke to me about how he never understood about cancer. He did not realize how very painful it was, and that going through chemo, there are days one can’t rise up to do…and unless one goes through the experience, one doesn’t know.
That’s why it is important to have the support and encouragement of those who have been there. We can pray, we can sympathize, but we don’t really know unless we experience it.
I’m going through it now as a widow, my friends who have walked this road are a great encouragement…they know. I do appreciate the prayers and support of those who have not walked this road, and I would not wish this on anyone, but there’s a different compassion from those who have walked it before.
When Jesus prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane and felt so weighted down by his coming crucifixion and death, he had never experienced death. He knew about death. He knew what came after death. He saw the effects of death. But he had never personally experienced death. He didn’t want to, we see that in his prayer, “If there is any other way, don’t make me go through this.”
His time on the cross did not just involve death. He took on the sins of every person who has ever lived. He took on our sins, past, present and future. He became sin for us, and took on the penalty of God’s wrath, so that we could become the righteousness of God. He, a man without sin, paid the penalty of death so that we could live eternally with God.
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21
As he took on all of our sins, he had another experience he knew about, but had never experienced. For the first time in all eternity that came before, he felt the absence of God’s presence. He cried, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Mt 27:46)
On the cross, Jesus experienced the weight of sin, the wrath of God, the absence of God, and death. Why would he do that?
In this is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 1 John 4:10
Norm explained the salvation provided by Jesus on the cross in this way. Think of an excel spreadsheet where all your good words and actions are assets and your wrong words and actions are debits.
When we all face God in heaven, we will be asked to give an accounting of our words and actions. Some think that if our good outweigh the bad, then we will enter into heaven…but that’s because we don’t understand a holy God. Sin cannot be in the presence of God, and all of us have fallen short of the perfection required to get into heaven.
But God sent his son, Jesus, who lived a life without sin. He lived a perfect life, loving others and loving God with all his heart, soul and mind. When he died on the cross, he took on himself all of our imperfections, and paid the penalty of God’s wrath and death for all of us.
When we come to realize that in our own power we are not good enough to earn heaven…since perfection is required…and none of us are perfect, then if we realize that Jesus paid that penalty, his excel spreadsheet of perfection can be copied and pasted on our spreadsheet, so that when we stand before the Lord, it is Jesus’ life of perfection that is revealed to our credit. Our words and actions, both good and bad are replaced by those of Jesus. His righteousness is credited to us and we can live forever with him.
Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Philippians 2:5-11
Where’s the joy?
I am thankful that Jesus came to earth as a man and took my sins on the cross, so that I can walk with him for eternity.
I pray for wisdom and courage each day to walk in the way that Jesus walked, loving God and loving others.
I rejoice that God loved us enough to send Jesus to us.
Where’s the joy? It’s in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. For without the words and actions of Jesus, we would have no hope.
Tough week. The reality of Norm’s death hits me everyday. My friends who are widows say that it will get better…they know…they’ve been there.
I’ve started a new Bible study on hope because right now, hope is my lifeline. My hope is in God, who is my salvation. Tomorrow we celebrate, actually we remember the death of Christ on the cross. He took all our sins and all our sorrows, dying and paying the penalty for our sins and rejection of the creator God. Sunday, we celebrate His resurrection. He came to give us life, eternal life.
Because of what Christ did on the cross…I have hope. Hope that God will guide me while I remain here on earth, hope that I will see Norm again when I go to walk with God in the garden.
I read Psalm 42 today.
As the deer pants for the streams of water, so my soul pants for You, O God.
Our spiritual self needs God in our lives, just as our physical self needs water. Sometimes dehydration sneaks up on us, we aren’t aware of how thirsty we are, but there will come a time when the thirst cannot be denied.
My soul thirsts for God, for the Living God. When can I go to meet with God?
God hears our prayers, He is the Living God who actively hears and sees us. he is always present even when we do not sense Him in our lives. Norm is walking with God, fully aware of who God is and how much God loves.
My tears have been my food, day and night, while men say to me, “Where is your God?”
It’s true, my tears fall down my cheeks, often unbidden, but there all the same. I’m never sure when they will overflow.
I don’t have anyone asking about God’s presence in my life. Indeed, I have a lot of encouragement from others of God’s faithfulness.
These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitudes, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
Songs of joy and festivity are not a part of my worship. Instead the worship songs bring tears to my eyes that pour down my cheeks.
Why are you downcast, o my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in god, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.
Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is a time to weep and a time to mourn. I’m in a time of weeping that will not last forever. There will be a time when the memory brings a smile, not tears. There will be a time when the songs I sing to the Lord will be joyful, not full of sorrow. There will be a time when the pain of loss will be wrapped and sealed, occasionally breaking out with a new wave of pain, only to be resealed by love and good memories.
Where’s the joy?
I am thankful for the 44 years I had with Norm, and I’m thankful that I miss him, it reveals he meant a lot to me.
I pray for grace as I take the time to grieve my loss.
I rejoice that Jesus Christ came to earth as a man, to die on the cross so that I can have hope in the resurrection which leads to eternal life.
Where’s the joy? My joy is in the Lord…even when the tears fall.
TRICIA LATHROP 