October 11
Being a widow is a wild ride. Sometimes my life seems stable and I’m moving on, and then a week like this one hits, and I’m sobbing myself to sleep every night. Regrets cloud my mind, I keep thinking of what I could have done…should have done…but those opportunities no longer exist.
At these times, I know I need to extend grace to myself so that the regrets don’t take over and leave me frozen, unable to do those things that are necessary. I’m finding myself in the tension of wanting to isolate and the need to be with people so that I don’t just vegetate in front of the TV and cry.
Today, my nephew joined me for lunch and we talked about cars. I shared about Norm and his mustang, which I scraped once trying to get it out of the garage. We talked about how it was actually Norm’s turn for a new vehicle. He wanted a newer Ford Ranger with a full cab. Then he thought about the back roads and mountain trails, on which he would not want to take a brand new truck, so then he decided his current Ranger worked just fine. He considered a Maverick for a while, but again, it wouldn’t be good for his traveling plans.
While we spoke, a thought hit me. I got my Crosstrek just before we really started the investigation into his illness. I think he knew then that something was seriously wrong. One of his last actions for me was to negotiate the price of the car. He did his best to provide for my life after his passing.
Today at church we sang a song about God’s love, apparent even in the middle of trials. During Norm’s treatment, he once said that through the pain and dealing with the uncertain future, one thing the Lord gave him was assurance of God’s love. That in the midst of it all, he was more sure of the love of God than he had ever been. He knew beyond a doubt that whatever happened, God loved him.
Where’s the joy?
I am thankful for the love that Norm and I had for each other. We had a good life together, and raised three great kids.
I pray for wisdom as I walk this road without him. It’s not easy, but God remains faithful.
I rejoice in the love that God has for each one of us. He cares far more than we realize.
Where’s the joy? It comes in trusting the Lord God who wants the best for us.
