February 14
Valentine’s Day, Norm remains in the hospital.
It’s been a rough two days.
I’m dealing with anger, frustration, and despair as Norm seems to choose death. He told me that he is sorry that he can’t be the Hallmark hero who fights and wins against impossible odds.
Yesterday, I told Norm that I was angry at him. I said that it wasn’t the cancer that would kill him, but his refusal to eat. I was so frustrated as he talked about how malnourished he was, but still would not eat. We brought in foods he liked, foods he requested, but he would only take a bite or two and he was done.
After I yelled at him, he ate more…but today, not so much.
The frustration, he only had three more chemo treatments to go. He was doing so well until the fever hit…then he sank fast.
I knew being a care giver would be hard. I knew that the cancer was in an advanced stage when the doctors finally identified it. But I didn’t understand how difficult for Norm with the cancer and for me as a caregiver. This goes beyond all expectations.
I’m not proud of getting angry. How could a believer who trusts in the Lord get so upset when things go differently than expected?
How could I yell at Norm in his sick and weakened state?f
I had no idea it would be this difficult. If you are a caregiver, I hope you have a support group. This is not a path to walk alone. A caregiver is everything to an ill, elderly or disabled person. It takes its toll, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
I feel like I’m hovering over an abyss holding onto a frayed knot by a single strand.
Where’s the joy?
I am thankful for the times I have had and hope to have with the love of my life. Norm loves the Lord, his family and his friends and wants all to know that he’s not giving up.
I pray for the strength and courage to face what lies ahead. I pray for other caregivers who struggle to keep hope day after day. I pray for support when it is all just too much to bear.
I rejoice for the faithfulness of God revealed in the Scripture through broken and failing humans. Humans fail, God remains faithful.
Where’s the joy? Where indeed? Lord I believe, help my unbelief.
I’m going to share an article I wrote a few years ago. I think it fits what is happening. You can find the narrative in 1 Kings 18-19.
My husband Norm and I enjoyed a morning hike, astounded by the rock formations in Zion National Park. Tired and hungry, we rode the shuttle back to the hotel.
As we listened to peaceful music, we heard the whimpering whine of a weary tot. I looked at Norm, “Someone needs a nap.” Soon the whine became a wail, “I’m hungry!”
The lady behind me whispered, “Someone needs a snack and a nap.”
The mother tried to distract him, but the boy continued to wail.
Sometimes I feel like that kid. Even when the activity is for the Lord or one for fun, weariness hits and I begin to whine. “Why am I doing this? Who even cares?”
First Kings 19 relates the narrative of Elijah after his victory on Mt. Carmel. This prophet proclaimed the Word of the Lord, performed wonderful miracles, took on 400 prophets of Baal, proved to all Israel that God alone was God.
Queen Jezebel threatened, “I’m going to kill Elijah.”
Elijah fled in fear of his life. The man who called down the power of the Almighty God, trembled before a woman. He told the Lord he was done and ready to die.
God didn’t rebuke him. He provided a safe place where Elijah slept in peace. Angels brought food. God gave Elijah a snack and a nap.
Sometimes we get busy doing things for the Lord…good things…great things. But we are human and we grow weary. God knows we are just dust. We can trust him to provide for our needs without condemnation. He gives us a snack and a nap.
He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.
Isaiah 40:29–31 NASB.
TRICIA LATHROP 