February 20
Before I begin what I wrote earlier this morning, I want you to know that things look better for Norm today. I’m going ahead to share this because I think that as a caregiver, we all reach a point of frustration where we feel that it may never get better.
When does one call it quits? Ten days ago I took Norm to the hospital with a 103 degree fever and a decreasing ability to walk. He was doing so well on chemo, it was a fast fall from doing well to being on his deathbed.
Yesterday, the doctors think they have found the cause and have a treatment…after 10 days of this is possibly it and treatments not working, I’m a bit skeptical. 10 days of hope, followed by that wasn’t it and hopes dashed. I’m weary of the roller coaster of emotions.
Norm’s pain has increased, it was a 6, now he’s saying it’s an 8. They are giving him pain meds every few hours and he is counting the minutes until he can get a new med.
When I left yesterday, I planned to speak to the nurses about the tube. Would it decrease his anxiety and agitation since he would be sedated to use the tube? Would it allow him to rest? Would it help with the pain while the new meds do their job on the fungal pneumonia?
But then, am I really thinking more about him or about me? I’m tired.
I’m tired of seeing him in such pain and not able to do anything for him.
I’m tired of him griping at me when I don’t have the food, drink or other item that he must have right now.
I’m tired of the daily drive to the hospital where I sit in an uncomfortable chair waiting for him to demand something from me.
I’m frustrated that I cannot do what I want to do.
Everyone says take care of yourself. But when someone you love is suffering and dying, one can’t take care of oneself…you just can’t.
What is best for Norm? His brother and sister said that after I left, they were able to have some good conversation and he seemed to improve. He definitely does better with others in the room.
Last night I got a text from Norm saying that the oxygen device fell off and he felt like he was suffocating. It was scary for him. The nurse was trying to get it back on, but he was agitated and she kept telling him to calm down, tough to do when you can’t breath.
At this point I have to trust the doctors and nurses to know when he needs to have the tube. They’ve dealt with people in need before, they know what to do and when it needs to happen.
If the new meds don’t work, then we revisit the giving of comfort care. I will take him home until he goes to his permanent home to walk with the God in the heavenly garden.
Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.
Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit.
For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah
I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah.
Therefore let everyone who is godly offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found; surely in the rush of great waters, they shall not reach him.
You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.
Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding, which must be curbed with bit and bridle, or it will not stay near you.
Many are the sorrows of the wicked, but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.
Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, O righteous, and shout for joy, all you upright in heart! Psalm 32
Where’s the Joy?
I am thankful Norm is in a facility that gives him the best chance for not only survival, but also restoration to a good quality of life.
I pray for wisdom to make right choices, courage to face the uncertain future, strength to endure and hope that rests in the Lord God Almighty alone.
I rejoice that Norm knows the saving grace of Jesus Christ and that his future is secure in Christ.
Where’s the joy? My joy rests in the Lord.
For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Psalm 62:5-8
TRICIA LATHROP 