May 14
Yesterday was full of regrets. I could have gone on more of Norm’s photography trips. I could have made the effort to tell him how much he meant to me. I could have been kinder and paid more attention when he first talked of his symptoms…in my defense, he was a bit of a hypochondriac.
I’ve heard that this is part of grieving, looking at what I could have/should have done. There’s no way to go back and change the past, but perhaps it will help me as I deal with family and friends moving forward…to let them know I care, to give the thanks and the approval as it happens.
People have told me their loved ones have come to them in dreams…usually a good thing. Norm appeared in my dream last night, alive. Usually if it’s a dream about him, it’s me dealing with his death. Last night, he was alive. Instead of an encouraging word of love and care, he gave me a list of how I had failed him. I know that was just a reflection of my thoughts yesterday being reviewed in my dream, but still, it was kind of a bummer.
As I thought about my dream, I started laughing. Norm was good at making me laugh. That was so not Norm…at least not who he was before the cancer changed his personality to a bitter, angry old man. The treatments gave me back my husband for a few months with jokes and laughter, celebrating the small successes as he battled cancer. We made plans for trips to France, Egypt, a cruise or two, going back to the Alpine Highway in Colorado…hopeful days in the midst of the turmoil of cancer.
Are there regrets? We all have them. Moving forward? Forgiveness and do better with those still on this earth.
Where’s the joy?
I am thankful for the extra months I had with Norm where he was his funny, sarcastic self.
I pray for words of encouragement and affirming to give to those around me, and asking forgiveness when appropriate.
I rejoice that God’s forgiveness is always available to us when we ask. He knows our weaknesses more than we know our own.
Where’s the joy? I married Norm because he made me laugh…Memories of Norm will still make me laugh.
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32.
I know all to well, you never know when it will be your last opportunity to be kind…
TRICIA LATHROP 