Where’s the Joy? Solo, but not Alone.

August 2

I went on a cruise to celebrate my sister and my brother in law’s birthdays. We had fun. Then I picked up the grands and brought them to my house for a few days. We had fun. I met Aimee in Atlanta, with Rob and Jennifer to celebrate Sawyer’s birthday and visit the aquarium. This week I’ve been home.

Traveling provides a distraction.

Watching the grands keeps me busy with a lot of laughter, but also reminds me of what I’ve lost. Sierra and Sawyer speak so easily about him, good memories. Sawyer told me he remembers exactly how Poppop looked.

This week, I slept the first two days. And then my procrastination took over. I’ve struggled all my life, read books, listened to speakers who have the answer to procrastination…but still it hits and I’m frozen in time and space. I’m grateful for outside obligations that give me incentive to get things done, even if at the last minute.

Earlier this week I experienced a weird sensation. I’m not sure how to explain it. It was a sense of moving on. Not leaving Norm and his memory behind, but embracing a future where all the decisions are mine to make, as are the consequences of those decisions. Scary thoughts, but also with peace of mind.

Last night I had my first Norm dream where he wasn’t angry or sick. I don’t know if earlier dreams were a result of guilt over Norm’s illness, that maybe I could have done more. Maybe the anger dreams were the way I dealt with my anger that he left me alone. Maybe the dreams showed me how he may have suffered had he continued here on earth. Whatever the reasons, the dream last night was a gift from God, reminding me of the gift He gave me in Norm as my husband.

Where’s the joy?

I am thankful for the joyful years I had with Norm.

I pray for wisdom as I do make decisions on my own, and the ensuing consequences.

I rejoice in the Lord God who has blessed me beyond measure, in the good and in the bad things of life. He remains faithful.

Where’s the joy? It’s in knowing the God holds me in His hand and will not let go.

I tried to include “My Life is in Your Hands” by Kathy Triccoli, but I can’t get it to load here. So go to Youtube and look it up for yourself, a powerful message of hope in the faithfulness of God at all times.