June 6
I’ve had my grandchildren for the last week. They are bright, creative and very busy. I am exhausted. But it was such a joy to have them around, the laughter, the stories, the daily challenges as they pushed for what they wanted. Sierra has started to whistle, and every time it reminded me of my mom who loved to whistle. It was a sweet connection for me.
Sawyer talked to me about Poppop’s asses…I finally figured out he meant Poppop’s ashes. He remembered going to Water Rock Knob last year and spreading the ashes. He commented on how cold it had been, and that is true, it was cold and drizzling. I was surprised he remembered it at all.
We are coming up on the anniversary of that event. It seems like so long ago, and yet there are times I expect Norm to be sitting at his computer when I get up.
When I’m tired, I have a negative mindset that tends to take over. Norm could always use his humor to bring me out of it…but I no longer have him in my life. But God has shown me favor and has provided insight as to a way out of the mood, should I choose to take it.
There’s an old narrative/proverb about a Native American grandfather giving wisdom to his grandson. the narrative is about two wolves inside us, in his case I think the wolves represented anger and peace. One wolf is evil and the other is good. The grandson asked which one would win, the answer, the one you feed.
Usually I am positive. I have a good self image, I’m nice, I’m liked, I have friends. But the dark side takes me back to the old song, “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worm”.
When that mindset settles, I feed it with past slights and offenses…real and imaginary. I become passive aggressive, having unspoken expectations that don’t get met because I don’t say anything. I isolate, and when I’m in a group, I stay silent. It’s a vicious cycle that affects all my relationships in an unhealthy way. I see it happening, but I felt powerless to change it.
But this time, when it hit, that proverb came to mind. I realized, I don’t have to feed it. I have hope that I can beat this. God has given me grace since I don’t have Norm to joke me out of it. Since I’m tired, it has reared its ugly head several times today, and I have successfully countered it.
I am under no illusion that this will not come up again…but today, I did it. I didn’t succumb.
Another visual came to mind. A pastor friend of mine preached a sermon about holding grudges. I can see him at the front of the congregation holding a grudge in his hands like a pet. He petted it, he spoke to it…and that visual has stuck with me over the years.
Where’s the joy?
I am thankful for the time I had with my grandchildren. I am exhausted but it was a good time.
I pray for myself to be able to continue connecting to family and friends especially when I get in this mindset.
I rejoice that God has given me grace and hope to not settle into a negative mindset when I’m tired.
Where’s the joy? Staying connected.
O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you. Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God! O men of blood, depart from me! They speak against you with malicious intent; your enemies take your name in vain. Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you? I hate them with complete hatred; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! Psalm 139
TRICIA LATHROP 