Where’s the Joy? A Widow’s Walk

March 16

I went to church this morning. I haven’t been since Norm started his chemo treatments. I debated going since a while back a widow told me it was hard for her to go. She didn’t want to face all the questions. She didn’t want to face all the faces that were sympathetic. She didn’t want to go alone.

Lower attendance due to spring break, so not so many sympathetic eyes and questions. I received very sincere hugs. I cried. I sang and tried to worship. I cried some more. I listened to a sermon about the battle belonging to the Lord and the importance of praise.

I’m still a bit numb. I don’t feel like Norm is really gone, I feel like he’s just away on one of his camping trips. I think I mentioned that in an earlier post.

Am I in denial, delaying emotional breakdown that will accompany the reality of my loss?

Am I purposely distracting myself so I don’t have to face the loss?

Am I putting my emotions on a shelf so that I can do what needs to be done?

Am I afraid to allow myself to let the emotions flow?

Today I was reminded of the need for music in my life. Songs of worship will remind me of the Lord and what He can do in my life. Songs of love and romance will remind me of the love Norm and I shared. Songs of sorrow will allow the tears of loss to flow freely. Songs of joy will remind me that I have much to be thankful for.

This mourning process will take time. We all face it differently, we all face it in God’s timing.

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven–A time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; a time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; a time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; a time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

I am thankful for the support and encouragement of those who have walked this path before me.

I pray that I will see beyond myself, to give support to those who need it.

I rejoice that God is worthy of all praise and honor.

Where’s the joy? It’s in the music.