March 3
Norm didn’t want me to leave when they did the new breathing trial. Today was the fourth attempt. The ones he had done earlier really spooked me. But, I stayed, holding his hand as he endured the fear and the pain of the reduced meds and oxygen. He did better, but they still could not get the tube out.
Palliative care spoke to me. The question, what if they can’t get the tube out? What if they get the tube out and he has to have the tube reinserted? Having the doctor ask me those questions with Norm in such a vulnerable state made his possible death more real. I was already questioning whether he would be able to survive this still unknown infection. The music therapist and chaplain came by, I had a very weepy day, I cried a lot.
The ventilator is used to keep someone alive while they discover what is wrong or while the medicines heal the body. They have pretty well done all they can for Norm, still unknown cause and they have used every antibiotic and anti fungal to attack any known agent. Each one seemed to work…a little, but not to knock out whatever this is. There is still some hope that the sample sent to Washington will come up with an answer…hopefully this week.
I need to talk to the kids about options. If they are able to get the tube out, then Norm will be able to tell the doctors whether he wants CPR and a reinsertion of the tube. If he is unable to make the decision, then it falls to me.
He’s swollen from this initial insertion, another would cause more issues. CPR may cause more damage in his weakened state. He’s been near death a few times in the past five months, and has rallied to the point that he seemed well on his way to recovery.
Will he rally this time? I don’t know what God will do. I live in a state of limbo, not knowing.
I’m sure Norm is there too. If he could speak, maybe he would say more. Fears and uncertainty cloud his future. He was awake all day today, and had time to consider it. I sat by his side, holding his hand, watching him struggle and thankful for meds that gave him some comfort.
He tried to communicate, I did understand some things. A matter of guessing and having him nod or shake his head. I’m usually decent at guessing charades…not so much acting it out…but not today.
Where’s the joy?
I am thankful for each person who has poured into Norm’s life during this hospital stay. They seem to really care, and don’t treat him as just a client.
I pray for God’s best for Norm, and strength to walk whatever comes our way with grace.
I rejoice that God is in control.
Let the glory of the Lord endure forever; Let the Lord be glad in His works; He looks at the earth and it trembles; He touches the mountains and they smoke.
I will sing to the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have my being, Let my meditations be pleasing to Him; As for me, I shall be glad in the Lord.
Bless the Lord, oh my soul. Praise the Lord!
Psalm 104:31-35
TRICIA LATHROP 
😥💔🙏